Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
I had a blood test today & my levels are slighly low, but not low enough to cause any concern. In my opinion, they're low enough to account for my exhaustion (altho everyone else seems to think I've got plenty of other things to cause that exhaustion too) and the fact that I just can't seem to get enough rest. I'm going to keep trying to be restful though. In one more week I have my last chemo treatment until after Rachel is born! Yippee!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage..
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained , or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband/partner.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical , wouldn't show soil , or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy , I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously , I would never have said , 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly , given another shot at life , I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it . Live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Simon is learning new things though. He's progressing onto colors now. He has a Ford tractor (blue), Case tractor (red), and a John Deere tractor (do I even have to say what color it is?). He can now pick whichever color tractor I ask him to pick. I'm so proud!! This proves 2 things - 1) he's definitely not stupid & 2) he's definitely not color blind! Both are really good things to know! He can also do his color trick w/ his 'bed of nails' pounding toy (its got red, yellow, green, & blue 'nails' that he hammers in). He can so far differentiate and knows 4 different colors! I don't know when that milestone is supposed to happen, but I think he's doing pretty well! I'm so proud of my little boy - he's growing up so quickly!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.
Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.
Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.
And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will.
Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I believe.
I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.
I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly..
This is my prayer.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I'm really touched by how compassionate people are. I never really had the opportunity to notice before. Its kind of sad that until something bad happens, most people (myself included sadly) never really see all the good that people in the world accomplish. Its kind of like we never see all the beauty that God has blessed us with until its almost too late. We tend to focus on the negative aspects of life instead. What a waste of our God-given world to only see the negative. Its hard though to see through our pains, sufferings, inconveniences, and single-mindedness. I hope I'm learning through this experience to appreciate what I have more than ever.
I was emailing back & forth w/ a friend who has been having some health and family problems recently. She too has decided that priorities that seem important when everything is going 'normally' don't seem so important when you realize how fleeting life is. Some people are so blessed, yet they refuse to see it. Other people are looked down upon b/c it seems they were dealt an unfair hand, but live life to the fullest. I don't wish hardships on anyone, but I do wish awareness to everyone. Awareness of the awesome nature of God and His creation. Awareness of the silver lining in the darkest of clouds. Awareness of the love people show complete strangers (as well as family & friends) daily. In the words of Tiny Tim - "God bless us - everyone!"
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I'm kind of disappointed. We didn't get to hear Rachel's heart-tones today b/c Dr. Briones office was crazy full. I felt (and still do) her kicking and rolling around though, so I'm sure all is still ok. We're going to go Monday to hear her probably before I have my blood tested.
I cooked up something pretty good tonight... Love crock-pots! I put a jar of spaghetti sauce, 1 lb of smoked sausage (the bit - like polish sausage), 1 cup mixed bell peppers with onions, a can of mushrooms, 3 cloves garlic (I LOVE garlic), and a 1/4 cup of chopped banana peppers in the crock-pot on high for 3 hours. Then I cooked a box and 1/2 of Rotini pasta until it was al-dente and added it as well. I added a dash of Italian seasoning, Oregano, Basil, & Majoram to help season it. I ended up cutting the sausages into bite-sized pieces. It was good just like it was, but I think it could also had been a bit better with some parmesan cheese. It was just a bit sweet (not real sure where the sweetness came from), but I like it that way! To go with it, I made some Texas Toast and some broccoli, cauliflower, and carrot mix with Italian seasoning. A decent balanced meal that both of my boys ate!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My plan this time is:
1) No inducement/augmentation before Nov. 18 (the day Andrew & I met), preferably not b/4 Nov 23 (St. Rachel's feast-day) or my EDD of Nov 26 (Thanksgiving). We need to do everything in our power to make sure I don't go into labor any earlier than Oct 22. PLEASE unless absolutely necessary NO C-section!
2) Have pedi do extremely thorough check of Rachel to ensure no underlying problems caused by chemo. Dr. Houston is already on board for this!
3) Make sure I don't bleed to death or get an infection. Be sure to check my blood levels and administer anything necessary to keep both me & Rachel healthy. Chemo is hell, but losing a baby at that point and/or my life would be even worse!
4) Epidural ASAP please - all these procedures I've had lately w/o anesthesia SUCK!!!
5) Hubby is only one allowed in room until well *AFTER* I'm cleaned, stitched (if necessary) and ready.
6) Dr. King is allowed *NOWHERE* near me unless I'm absolutely dying & he is the *only* person who can save me.
7) My mom is my substitute if DH can't help me through labor & delivery. MIL is to stay out in the waiting area!
8) Let's get this baby out safely & deal w/ what comes as it comes!
9) I want as much contact as soon as possible w/ Rachel, but if I'm exhausted Andrew can do what he feels is best! I'd love to be able to give her the 1st bottle she ever gets!
10) THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! To everyone for helping me through all this!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Brenda (MIL) had to take Simon back to the doctor today. The rash seems a bit better, but the steroid reaction & whinyness & stuff isn't any better yet. Dr. Houston says it was a virus w/ a rash/hives. I asked about the hand, foot & mouth thing going around, but they're pretty certain that's not what he's got. They did blood work & the results indicate that its a virus and nothing else. Its not contagious either, so we're all safe! I hope he starts feeling better soon b/c I want him to be happy.
We don't regret doing anything this weekend. It was worth it for the babies & for the class of 1999! We had a great time and saw so many people! It was great to see everyone come out to support life & reminisce. A big thanks to the RTLO group & the class of 1999 reunion committee!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I left Simon w/ mom & dad so I could do some resting before my reunion. I'm not very good at resting though. I started getting restless, but I did lay down & rest for a good while. Then it seemed like no time at all & I needed to start getting ready. Beauty does take time - especially when you're 6 months pregnant & bald! ;-)
We got to the reunion & it was great to see so many people from the class of 1999! Everyone looked great & seemed to have a great time. We had a great turn-out it appeared. I was kind of worried whether people would actually remember me. I was pretty much a wall-flower in high school. I had my steady boyfriend, my horses, my athletics, & my academics. I didn't do much else. However, it seems like everyone at least had a passing knowledge of me & me of them. The internet is great for that kind of thing too! It also seemed like my class has been very producive at creating the next generation! Lots of us either already have kids or have one on the way! It's wonderful to see that! I think Andrew even had a decent time. It was early when we left, but it had been a full day & a good day, so that's what matters!
We came home & picked Simon up from mom & dad's. I think he was glad to see us, but it was hard to tell. He's been a bit fragile lately. We're not sure whether its his allergy (that we're not 100% sure if or what it is) or if there's something else going on with him. When we finally got home he didn't want to settle back down. Andrew has a sneaking suspicion that Simon is actually somewhat allergic to the steriod, like Andrew is. He was wailing and just unhappy no matter what we did. Finally Andrew held him in the recliner until he calmed down & went to sleep. He's in his bed now, quiet and sleeping. Hopefully he'll stay that way. Now I just have to convince Rachel not to beat me up too badly tonight!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Hopefully, we're still on for tomorrow's Walk for Life. Then Andrew & I will be going to my 10 year class reunion. We're really excited b/c no only are our friends, Krystal & Lucas (her son) coming to the walk, also my uncle Chris and his family are coming. We're going to bring our red wagon so that little man can rest his legs for a while if needed. I'm kind of worried about me more than him though. He's got all kinds of energy, but I don't! I'm sure it'll work out!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I'm so relieved that Rachel is doing so well. I don't have the results of my gestational diabetes test, but I'm guessing that since they didn't talk about it, I'm ok. I surely don't need any other complications! Rachel is measuring ahead which is great! I'm pretty sure Simon measured about 2 weeks ahead the whole time too, so I'm not too worried. I'll be exceptionally glad if she's over 8 lbs. That will solidify that the chemo had no effect on her! However, even if she's 7 lbs plus she'll be right at average & close to Simon's size. I can't wait to meet her.
I'm still having some nightmares about silly things. I wake up in a cold sweat thinking Simon is suffocating in his crib - so I have to get up & go check. Sometimes I wake up shaking & trying to make Rachel move b/c I dreamed that she got the cord wrapped around her neck. I didn't do this so much w/ Simon, but I've had this since b/4 the cancer diagnosis. I think its somewhat normal from what I've read.
Rachel is breech right now. She's got her feet dangling in my pelvis & thoroughly enjoys bouncing on my bladder & other parts down there! Dr. B isn't worried at all tho, so I'm not either. The last couple of days she's gotten kind of uncomfortable though. I hope she rolls around better soon.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Simon had a bit of a rough night for no apparent reason. At 10 pm he started screaming. I thought I had him soothed, but as soon as I got lotion on my feet (my bed-time ritual), he started again only worse. I'm wondering if he's having nightmares or something. We did finally get him soothed around 1130. Then at 430 this morning he started shrieking again. Again, a simple soothing wouldn't work. After we finally got him calmed down again it was almost 6 am. Of course, then Andrew couldn't get back to sleep, so he got up. I'm not exactly sure when they left, but I went back to sleep! Gotta love not having to get up for work in the morning!
We're also really excited to report that Rachel will have a boy cousin in January! My brother & his wife are finally having a boy! They have a 3 year old girl & an 18 month old girl! We're not sure what his name is yet, but I think it's going to have Will in it somewhere! LOVE IT!
UPDATE: Rachel is measuring ahead & big at 31 wks 4 days and 3.59 lbs! Everything looks great! Dr. Briones is pleased as punch with how Rachel is growing! I even gained some weight this time!! I'm really interested in comparing mine & Simon's measurements from his pregnancy!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Wig option #1 - I can tame the big-hairness of it down in the back some. This one is a bit lighter than my natural hair w/ highlights in it. Its also wavy - something my hair is naturally NOT!
This is wig option #2. This is more typical to what my hair naturally looks like - pretty dark & very straight. Its a page-boy cut I think. Its also the one that I was wearing when mom took the picture from Look Good Feel Better.
Mom thinks the 1st one is more flirty/sexy & I have to agree. To be completely honest, these pictures don't really do the outfit justice. However, I had my mom take them so I could show my husband. The shirt has oranges, pinks (dark magenta actually), blacks, and even a little bit of brown.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I'm guilty of pride most of the time. I absolutely HATE to ask for help. Even now when I feel as weak as a kitten half the time b/c I'm exhausted, I'd rather do things myself even if it wears me out & takes forever. However, I'm trying to get over it. I know that my family & friends are more than willing to help me out. Part of my problem (which goes back to pride) is that I don't like for people to put themselves out for me. I'd much rather be the one doing something for someone else. Sometimes thinking that way can place more importance on self than on the actual favor they're doing. I'm currently asking God, not necessarily for healing (although that would be GREAT!), but mainly for help. Not only do I need help doing some day-to-day tasks, but I also need help dealing w/ everything that's going on, and maintaining what I've already got.
I know that I'm tremendously blessed to have what I have - even w/ the complications I have in my life right now. Actually, the complications are giving me the opportunity to count my blessings. I have a wonderful husband & son, as well as a daughter on the way. My parents are exceptional. We have a good home. I have awesome co-workers who are actually friends instead of mere co-workers. I have great friends - some that I've met face-to-face, but also ones that have offered their friendship through the internet. In general I'm a very lucky woman.
Sometimes people comment that they think I'm a hero. I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm no hero - I'm just an average gal who sometimes seems to have a good way of dealing with things. People face more substantial challenges every-day than mine and they do a better job dealing with it than I do. However, we are all called to do the best we can with what we have been given. I've been given more than some and possibly less than others. However, what I've been given is PERFECT for me. Thank you God & everyone!