Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Well, I'm still working on recovering. I've found that this cancer thing has changed my physical & mental capabilities & out-look. Right now, these changes have sunk my confidence in myself. I'm working on improving. I've also found that I need to be more confident of myself as an adult. Contrary to how I sound on the Internet, I'm pretty meek & mild when around my elders. I'm also very cautious about hurting others feelings when/if they hurt mine. In other words, in real life, I don't speak out very much. I'd rather remain silent than stop someone near & dear to me from saying more than I want to hear on a subject. I've gotten pretty good at talking to Andrew in my own way, but I haven't been able to branch out to others yet. Its a goal.

Andrew & I have been spending a lot of time at home with the kids the past 2 weeks. Rachel is still not quite walking - she takes 4-6 steps then sits down. She is an absolute leech on Andrew, just like Simon. She's also started throwing temper tantrums. When she doesn't get what she wants (like picked up by Andrew) she flings herself onto the floor & rolls around while moaning. Its kind of funny, but its also scary because I don't want her to be so spoiled. She chatters like a Magpie too. I think one of her words is "horsie" which makes me happy! She can also say: mama, dada (one of her top 2 words), bye-bye, nana (one of her top 2 words), papa, nanny, papaw, and ninin (I think that's Simon). She's obsessed with my Breyer horses and Simon's cars. She also likes books, but won't sit still for a whole one to be read to her.

Simon is still not potty trained. I'm pretty disappointed. If we press him to potty in the potty too much he'll just hold it in. He also cries like his heart is broken if we try. Otherwise he's doing quite well. Right now he's on a hunger strike. He's not eating, but he's drinking. Both he & Rachel have had some sort of viral mucus funk. I thought he had it first, but now that Rachel has recovered he seems like he's got it again/still. He's been really cuddly lately (that's his sickness mode). He & Rachel roll around on the floor and wrestle all the time. They love to play with one of my blankets - peek a boo mostly.

Overall, I think our little household is doing pretty well. Both kids are kind of spoiled, but Andrew & I have talked about how we're going to prevent further spoiling (in our house) and hopefully reverse some of the spoiling. We're still working on communication. Tomorrow (November 18th) will mark 5 years since Andrew & I first met! So much has changed, yet so much has stayed the same! Hopefully things will get better! :-)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

New start?

I've enlisted all my strength to try to start over again. I'm trying to keep myself *very* busy so I don't think about my physical problems. I'm also trying to just not think too much period. Today I helped Andrew in his 'new' man-cave/semi-trailer w/o wheels. We built a work-bench. This is probably the 1st time we've worked together on something like this as such a good team. I'm usually with the kids or trying to do something else. I think I may have surprised him by my familiarity with the process & such. I may not be a girly-girl, but I've tried to avoid too much heavy lifting since we've been married - mostly because I've been pregnant on & off (mostly on with the 2 live babies & 4 miscarriages in less than 4 years). Anyway, today I was able to hand him things w/o him asking and be a couple steps ahead sometimes. I was quite proud of myself. I think the work-bench looks great! Hopefully I was also able to help him work smarter & not harder for his back's sake.

Of course, the semi-heavy lifting I did was not without consequences. My foobs are burning & my lower abdomen where my scars are hurts pretty bad. However, I think it made my mental/emotional picture better today. I still think this cancer stuff is horribly long-lasting, but maybe I'm going to be better soon. I hope & pray...

Monday, November 8, 2010


I am theoretically physically healing. Its just taking a LONG time. Mentally I'm not sure I'm healing at all. I think this last round has kicked my butt beyond what I can deal with - even with the wonderful support I have from family, friends, & internet buddies. Its hard to describe what I feel right now. Words just aren't adequate. I feel defeated. I'm not hopeless - although hope is far from obvious. I'm not faithless - although my Faith is being severely tested. I'm not despairing - although I find little joy in anything. I'm mostly just tired. I do feel a bit worthless, inadequate, and troublesome.

I worry about my interaction with everyone because I don't want to bring anyone else down. Sometimes that's an arrogance that I know I should avoid - afterall the world doesn't revolve around me. However, I do know how one person's attitude can affect & infect someone else. I don't want to be that one Debbie-downer in a crowd of people who have their own struggles to overcome. In these times we ALL have troubles. At this moment I just feel that mine are insurmountable as things stand now.

I'm working with Dr. B on trying to get medication that will help my hot flashes and maybe my depression. Once that gets in my system at the proper dose, maybe I'll be able to look at my struggles and see the way out. I'm also exploring other avenues that I typically would avoid like the plague - therapy, massage, anti-depressants, etc.

One unconventional thing I plan to look for later this week is a horse. I don't need to buy one or anything. I just need to smell that wonderful horsey comforting smell and feel the hair, muscles, and acceptance a horse can give. I've tried bonding with my dogs, but they're Beagles & would rather hunt than bond. I've tried bonding with the cats, but they're cats & pretty aloof. I need a horse because that has ALWAYS been my go-to comfort.

Just to re-assure any of you out there wondering: my cancer is gone. That's not what has me so melancholy. I'm still dealing with some of the physical limitations, pains, and quirks of this new body I've been given. I don't have intense pain all the time, but its enough pain to disrupt my day between the foob discomfort, scar discomfort, and some internal pangs. I have a hard time dealing with the continued problems with my body because I'm in a pessimistic mind-set. Every extra twinge or bruise/blood gets me worked in to a lather that something *else* is going wrong. Logically I know that recovery is a LONG SLOW process... However, it seems like I've been recovering FOREVER! I was expecting much more smooth sailing instead of this roller-coaster ride my recovery has been. I guess that's the problem with having high expectations. :-/

My Chemo-Jane hair-style

My Chemo-Jane hair-style
I just had to have my mom buzz my hair because it was falling out so badly.

Pre-op wearing my hand-crocheted cap with my prayer shawl.

Pre-op wearing my hand-crocheted cap with my prayer shawl.
My loving husband is watching me distract myself with a game on his iPhone.

2 days after my BMX w/ 100ccs in the TEs

2 days after my BMX w/ 100ccs in the TEs
I even have a fashionable belt to hold up my drains.

3 weeks post-op w/ 400ccs in each TE

3 weeks post-op w/ 400ccs in each TE
The smile is fake because the TEs were irritating!