My Little Curly Breast Cancer Awareness

My oncologist was proud of me this month when I had my 6 year check-up. I'm all clear for the next 6 months! In celebration of that as well as to commemorate both this Breast Cancer Awareness month and my new endeavor of creating illustrations, I created this...

Over on my new blog, Benedict Catholic Creations, you can find more My Little Curly coloring pages. You can even contact me for requests. I intend to offer the almost 60 illustrations I have in this series as individual pages as well as in coloring book (ebook) format. They're available as JPEG files, but I will soon make them available as PDFs. For now I have a few available for free here, on my mommy blog, and on my Creations blog. 

In addition to the My Little Curly series created for Rachel, I've illustrated a Catholic First Holy Communion book with another woman named Erika, drawn many wheeled vehicles for my Simon, and just started a series of flowers. I use my creations as a focal point for some of the handwriting pages my children use in their schooling and also plan on authoring a book (or more) featuring the My Little Curly series. I plan on offering all of them on my Creation blog eventually. I'm hoping to use this to supplement our income since we're still financially strapped since my job loss in 2013. 

If you like this Curly, like the sound of my other creations, or would just like to contact me for something else, please do so! I love hearing from you!

26 days and counting... Help needed

Today is the beginning of Respect Life & Breast Cancer Awareness month. October is *my* month, in my opinion, because I've blended the two so well. I respected life (both mine & my unborn baby's) as I fought breast cancer.

The problem is that as much as I wish my journey was complete and I was back to 'normal', that is not the case. In 26 days, I will be going under the knife again. This will make the fifth surgery I've had since my diagnosis. This will be the 2nd attempt to make my reconstruction pain-free. Most breast cancer journeys shown on TV show a woman who is diagnosed, seeks treatment, recovers, & goes on with life with little problem. That is a tremendous understatement of real-life scenarios. I know I'm not the only one who has continued to suffer from their diagnosis long after the rest of the world assumes healing is complete. Few people can understand the overwhelming disruption to life in general. Things that used to be stepping stones become milestones. Life does not simply begin again where it was prior to the diagnosis. I've not stepped into anyone else's shoes, but I know that my journey has been fraught with issues that have ultimately affected every aspect of my life.

With the continued problems (constant pain, numbness, and tingling in my chest, shoulders, neck, and arms) that I've had beyond the extended leave for big issues (chemo while pregnant, more chemo after delivering a healthy baby girl, bilateral mastectomy with immediate expander reconstruction, ovary removal with serious complications, emergency hysterectomy, and 2nd stage reconstruction with implants), I have used all the time I have accumulated myself by going to various doctors as attempts to solve my continued issues. I've been to 2 plastic surgeons, a pain management doctor, my regular doctor, my oncologist, and had various tests run as well as having the assorted illnesses that come with stresses on the body -- migraines, stress headaches, stomach bugs, flu-like symptoms, etc. This will be the fourth time I will be off work for an extended period of time. The people of the great state of Kentucky -- my co-workers and other state employees -- have previously dontated their own sick time to ensure that my family can continue to be supported. At this point, I hesitate to ask (beg) for more donated time since I have received so much. However, I must ensure my family's continued welfare. I am the bread-winner of the family -- all income and insurance comes from my pay-check. Andrew (my husband) has been incapacitated with a debilitating back condition. The doctors can't do much beyond giving him pain medication. He even had to close his shop. As anyone with children knows, they're expensive! ;-) So we have more outgoing funds than incoming.

This next surgery is going to be significantly more involved than my last surgery for reconstruction. We're driving down to Houston on October 25th since my pre-op appointments begin in the morning of the 26th. My surgery is on the 28th. The doctor's estimate is a full week in the hospital following surgery. Then we're planning on about 4-7 days further in Houston for a follow-up appointment before returning home. The drive home will likely take at least 2 days since I will be incredibly tender from the long surgery. Then there will be the recovery time -- 6-8 weeks total (including the week in the hospital). During that time I will be unable to work or do much of anything. I am terribly concerned and anxious about how we will be able to afford all the time off I need to heal properly verses the amount of money all this will take.

I hate asking for a hand-out from anyone in these hard economic times. I hesitate to ask the workers of the state of KY to donate any more of their time -- especially since we all "donated" furlough days to the state last year. I hesitate to ask anyone's help. However, if there's one lesson I've learned during my illness, it is to ask for help when you need it. I need it now. I'm adding a PayPal button* to this blog in the hopes of getting some financial help for this (hopefully) last leg of my journey to wellness. There is also still a local account (Owensboro, KY) at PNC Bank that is named Erika Vandiver's Medical Fund. Asking this of you, my online supporters, gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know so many of you have your own struggles that you deal with daily. I also know that you have lifted me up with thoughts and prayers through this long journey. Your prayers and thoughts have been greatly appreciated and I hope to continue to receive them. However, there is little to be gained by not asking for help when it is needed. Help is needed.

*The PayPal account I'm using is Andrew's. I'm not very active with eBay or PayPal, so my account is quite limited and does not have a debit card for easy access on the road. His email address is MrFixIt@connectgradd.net -- that will probably be the header for the PayPal donation page. For bank statement purposes, the description for the transaction will appear as ERIKAS FUND. Again, thank you for your donation, prayers, and/or thoughts!

Hopefully I get final surgery clearance tomorrow!

Tomorrow I go see the plastic surgeon in Louisville. I'm pretty sure he's going to clear me for surgery... Although at this point, he still thinks he's doing the surgery. I'm pretty sure the date I have in mind will be good - July 5th or 6th. That'll give me time to celebrate my birthday, mom's birthday, & our nation's birthday! It'll also let me get the surgeon I want for my hysterectomy (she doesn't get back from maternity leave until then I think).

Rachel has a *very* small 1st tooth. Actually, I've not seen it, but I've felt it. Mom noticed it at church while she was letting Rachel gnaw on her knuckle. I felt it when I did the same thing. However, I can't feel it if I rub her gums though. She's also trying to learn to sit-up by herself (ie balancing, not actually pulling up to sit).

Simon slept through the night 2 nights in a row only to ruin it by making Andrew sleep w/ him last night. He had a good time today at Papaw & Mamaw's house. They bought him a motorized John Deere lawnmower w/ a wagon. When he pushed the pedal down & the thing moved he was so shocked that he cried. So funny!

Moody me... :-(

I've been terribly emotional since my surgery. This week it seems to have come to a head. I either want to chew someone's head off or burst into tears - or even both. This is WAY out of character for me - even through 6 pregnancies & horrible monthlies. Its gotten so bad that I started searching for answers after whining about it for a while. It turns out that both the medications I can take (Lyrica & Neurontin) can cause depression, suicidal thoughts, irritability, irrational behavior, etc. In other words, I read the side-effects list & saw my match!

The bad news is that my neuropathy is apparently a bit worse than I thought it was. I cut my finger today - a bit deeper than a paper-cut & never even noticed until I saw that my glove had blood in it. I thought my worst neuropathy problem was my feet/legs burning at night. I guess I was wrong. I called both my local oncologist & my TX one. My local oncologist said to continue the Neurontin at night (only) and to take 1/2 an Ativan in the mornings to see if that quick fix helps. If it does, then he may put me on an anti-depressant for the long run... Or until something happens w/ my neuropathy. My TX oncologist is worried that my neuropathy is bad enough that I can cut my finger & not notice. Her recommendation is acupuncture. I'm probably going to look into that too. If it'll take care of the neuropathy then I won't need ANY of the medications! That would be awesome!

Rachel rolled over from her belly to her back finally earlier this week. The little lazy thing still has issues w/ back to belly, but she can get most of the way. She's also eating like a horse! We're still sticking to bananas since I don't want to overwhelm her system. However, she's eating a "2nd foods" plastic container full of a rice cereal/banana mixture at night plus whatever her keepers give her during the day!

Simon is going to try to do some pottying this weekend. He's having trouble though. He's also having trouble sleeping. We don't know what it is, but sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. That's when he ends up sleeping with us. That's miserable for all of us b/c he's very sensitive and restless.

Unfeeling can sometimes be a good thing!

I got to thinking last night as I watched a couple of my scabs pull this way & that, that sometimes its truly a blessing to not have feeling in my new foobs right now! I'm still having LOTS of trouble w/ that tissue on the right side & the incision line. The tissue's scab is hanging on by what seems to be a thread. I took a shower to make sure it was clean last night & as the water poured over it (moving it slightly) I was profoundly glad I can't feel it! You know how scabs that are just barely hanging in there feel - right? They feel AWFUL! However, except for some shooting pains occasionally, I can't feel my foobs. I can feel pressure on my rib cage & muscles, but otherwise, its not even like the feeling you get at the dentist's office. Its the complete absence of feeling - not numbness - if that makes sense. Right now I think its probably a blessing! :-D

The kids are still snotty (both behavior & noses)! ;-) It seems Rachel's skin is improving, but her nose & cough are not. Poor thing. I put her to bed early tonight b/c she just seemed so miserable. Simon's still hanging in there. He's really trying to feel better - even to the point of saying "feel better" to himself. He's also gotten *really* good at blowing his nose! It was so funny today... We were at mom's w/ Abby, Sarah, & Lukas. Abby was playing house w/ Simon & Sarah - Simon was the daddy and Sarah was the baby (she'll actually lay down & take a 'nap' for Abby). Both Abby & Simon have play cell phones. So Abby 'called' Simon and asked him what he wanted for supper. Simon's answer was "pork chops" w/o prompting at all! Mom & I just looked at each other & giggled. So guess what I made tonight??? Pork chops! :-D

Electric day!

Well, today was apparently a bad day for everyone! All the kids were cranky & whiney. To try to help mom out & get Simon to take a better nap I brought my 2 home around 1pm. I didn't/don't feel 100%. I tried to have all three of us nap simultaneously, but of course, that never works out... First Rachel wouldn't sleep. Then once we (Rachel & I) got to sleep, Simon woke up crying. Andrew didn't get home from work until 8pm. Its been crazy.

Rachel's rash is looking better though. We've been using the steroid cream from the doctor - for another week - since Monday night. I'm also only bathing her on alternate nights in Aveeno oatmeal baths. Tonight was an off night for the bath! She's eating well, but now her nose is runny! Geez, these allergies are hitting hard this year!

Simon's nose is *still* doing its crazy dripping. He's still coughing too. I'm pretty sure its just allergies w/ him too. Last night he was coughing so hard from post-nasal drip that he was gagging himself. Of course, I also think he's going through a super-sensitive-gag-reflex time. Its kind of obvious though that he's just kind of miserable. We watched some TV (Cars, Big Foot, & Chuggington) and colored some pictures (a Mater print out & a free-hand tractor-disk-Mustang Cobra combination).

I don't really know what's up with me. I'm just absolutely exhausted. Partly I know its b/c I stay on the computer too late at night, but its the only opportunity I get. Its also partly probably allergies - my eyes are itchy, my throat gets sort of achy every once in a while, etc. Plus, for some reason I keep having shooting pains where I have no feeling - in the foobs. I'm also having some trouble getting to sleep. I toss & turn & try to get comfortable for a long time. A good portion of that is b/c I'm still not able to sleep on my stomach like I want to do.

Another night in the ER

Yep, we spent another night (very early morning) in the ER... It wasn't for me though - it was for my husband, Andrew. He has a kidney stone. He was huffing & puffing, moaning & groaning the entire trip into the hospital. I've heard kidney stones be compared to childbirth for men, so I figure he was very much in pain. They actually got to him really quickly and even dosed him with pain meds fairly early into our visit. We arrived around 1 am and left around 345 am. Not too bad considering some previous visits we've had were well over 4 hours...

Anyway, they sent him home w/ prescriptions for pain, nausea, and swelling (Flowmax to be exact) and a little funnel sieve to catch the stone when it comes out. He's spending a lot of time sleeping (all the drugs have that side-effect). I keep waking him up to drink and/or pee to get that thing GONE! Hopefully he'll be feeling better soon.

Simon & Rachel appear to both be on the mend. Both have snotty noses (probably allergies). Simon coughs at night some, but doesn't wake himself up like he was doing. Rachel's rash seems to have already responded to the cream, but before the next time for her rub-down she's itchy & fussy again. Of course, she's also completely made both her fists chapped by chewing on them b/c she's already teething. By this time Simon had already cut a tooth I think. However, they're doing pretty well.

I'm *really* tired. I was driver last night & I have a phobia about being in the ER for a serious reason alone w/ only the patient - especially it seems if intense pain is involved. I had a flash-back to my time in college w/ my then boyfriend (later fiancé). His trip did not turn out well... I was alone w/ him until his parents could arrive & witnessed some of the most tremendous pain in an individual that I think I've ever seen. I was 20, in the middle of finals week before Christmas, and watching my boyfriend writhe in pain. Not a good place to be or a good memory. It seemed to have been set off last night by the sight of skinny hairy dark-skinned legs poking out of a hospital gown while the owner of said legs suffered pain that I could do nothing to fix. I tried to not let it bother me, but by the end of the night I was stretched to my limits & even though Andrew was feeling much better (thanks to IV Dilaudid & Toradol) by the time we left, I was beyond stressed.

Right now stress does funny things to me. For one it makes me much more emotional than ever before. I don't know if its b/c I've been exposed to so much lately that its made me more sensitive instead of desensitizing me. Or if its because I've been told so often that its ok to be emotional and to be sure to share it with those that love me. Anyway, since I had to be strong while we were at the hospital & on the drive to & from, I internalized it all like usual... My breathing gets really shallow, my chest tightens, my shoulders round, my jaws clamp, and I slump forward. The problem with that right now is that these rocks on my chest don't like chest tightening - they take up too much space and aren't flexible enough, plus there's still some healing going on in there from the vigorous scraping they did during surgery. These rocks also don't like when I round my shoulders &/or slump forward. Again, its a space and flexibility issue as well as tenderness from a still healing chest wall.

I kept having to tell myself to take deep breaths, sit up straight, and keep my jaws relaxed. Andrew noticed & kept asking me what was wrong. While we were in the hospital or in-route (to or from the hospital), I couldn't risk telling him - he needed me to be strong since he was concerned it could be more serious than simple kidney stones. So I used the standard "nothing" answer.

Once we got home he cornered me (he was feeling no pain thanks to wonderful IV pain meds) and asked me what was wrong. Even though sometimes I suspect it hurts him for me to mention my late fiancé (for several reasons, he's said its hard/impossible to compete w/ a dead man, he knows there's nothing he can do to erase the pain for me, and he's reminded that we could have never been thrust together), I told him how hard it is for me to be the only one there when there's a serious issue b/c it reminds me of my past. That past to me feels like a failure even though I know there's nothing I could have done to combat my late fiancé's melanoma in his brain. Its irrational, but emotions generally are irrational. Being the sensitive guy that he is (those of you that've met him probably don't see this aspect of him, but its true for me & the kids) he reassured me that he was ok and would be ok. We 'made-up' as it were by talking a little bit and hugging/holding a lot.

That hugging/holding got my right tissue angry... As I said yesterday the scab is formed upside down right now, so it catches on everything. I thought I'd designed a really good form of padding for it to let it air-dry, yet not risk being caught on something & torn off. However, the down-side is that I can't feel my entire breast - much less this tissue. So in my insecurity as we slept holding one another, I apparently put too much pressure on it. When I woke up there was a pretty deep depression all around the troubled tissue and the gauze that wasn't supposed to touch it was stuck deep in it. It took most of the day - including a hot shower (to get all the fibers out), some air-drying as well as blow-drying - before the tissue appeared normal again (ie, not depressed). However, one of the times I went to check it, as I pulled my shirt away some tissue on the bottom side pulled away and made it bleed. Bleeding is theoretically good b/c that clearly shows good circulation. However, bleeding is bad when you have a very sensitive 4 year old girl (Abby my niece) and 2 year old boy hovering around. So I found some 'non-stick' gauze & will be trying it now. I hope on Friday that Dr. W clips some of the loosened scab so there's less to catch on stuff. I'm going to point out that in my opinion the risk far outweighs the possible benefits of keeping the scab intact. Especially from where I'm sitting now!

Living life in a vacuum?

Simon's still coughing, but much improved. Rachel got her first rub-down w/ her new prescription cream, so we'll see about her in the morning. My much worried-about right tissue is doing ok, but still being difficult. Last night it was stuck to the gauze I use to protect it, so I had to shower to get it loose. Then I had to come up w/ some method of protecting it w/o actually having anything stick to it. Then the scab decided to form upside-down - curled out away from my body instead of towards/around my body. This makes it decidedly difficult to keep from accidentally pulling it off - something my plastic surgeon could lead to a hole all the way through to the implant. That would mean the implant would be contaminated & need to be removed... A *VERY* unhappy thought.

Well, today I decided that I'd do some much-needed cleaning on the house... Primarily that (to me) means cleaning the floors. That is something I HATE! I really really really really (you get the point) HATE to vacuum. I don't really know why, but its just the way I am. I told Andrew when we first got married that he would have to do all the vacuuming in the house b/c I HATE it. Well, his idea of vacuuming the house has led to him doing it maybe two or three times a YEAR in the 3 years we've been married. I may HATE to vacuum, but I hate having dirty floors (you know dirty enough that white socks soon become dingy brown/black just from walking on them & dog hair, dust bunnies, & God knows what else jumps on anything near the floor) more. So I've started trying to do more vacuuming. I've been putting it off since my surgery & trying to drop hints to Andrew that it needs to be done to no avail... So today, my limit was reached & I drug the good ole Eureka (bought the end of last year) out of the closet.

Well, it all started well & good. Pushing & pulling the vacuum wasn't too challenging for my chest muscles. I thought it may even qualify as exercising them. We don't have a whole lot of carpet (just our living room 28' x 16'), so I considered it slight. Rachel was happily swinging in her swing after her 10 am bottle. She even didn't mind me bumping the base of the swing w/ the vacuum. Then I got to noticing that even though I kept going over the same spots (I'm a checker-board kind of vacuuming person - I go one direction in a section, then I rotate 90 degrees & do it again), visible dirt (yep - it *was* that bad) was just kind of moving. The visible dirt cup also didn't seem to be filling. About 3/4 of the way through I pulled the hose to suck up some stuff under the couch. That's when I noticed that the suction was *really* poor. So I pull off the dust cup & check the neck where the hose meets the body/dust cup of the vacuum. No clog visible, just some icicles from the Christmas tree (yep - that's probably the last time we vacuumed - after Christmas).

However, I *knew* my vacuum had better suction than that. So out comes the handy screw-driver. Yep, I have to use a screw driver to take the hose completely off the vacuum. However, there is apparently (to my knowledge) a good way to get the hard plastic elbow-neck off the flexible hose in order to clean it out. So on the free end I took my broom handle & shoved it up as far as it would reach. I got some stuff out. I figured, hey, I'll use gravity & centripetal force to get some of this crap out too. So I started beating & banging both ends of the hose outside on the railing of my porch. Stuff came flying out & I should have probably had a dust mask on b/c of all the dust (& God knows what else that lives in that kind of environment) flying around.

I noticed that even though most of the resistance was gone when I used the broom handle, there was still some at what seemed like the very end of the broom handle's reach. That's when I discovered there's no good way to take that hard plastic elbow-neck off the hose. So handy little me, I decide to go get my drain de-clogger stick-thingy. I shove it into the elbow-neck and meet considerable resistance. The end of the stick-thingy just wasn't big enough to pull the stuff out though. So I started beating & banging again hoping for physics to work for me instead of against me. Well, more came out, but not the main clog it seemed. So I again went to work w/ the stick-thingy. I probably jammed that thing in there for 15 minutes trying to break up whatever clog was in there.

So after a good jamming, I take the hose back outside (Rachel has been watching her crazy mom avidly this whole time) and again beat, bang, & swing it trying to dislodge whatever is in there. At this point, I'm kind of expecting a small (large?) animal to come out and fuss at me for disturbing its hibernation. I was half-right... What came out was this nasty, but huge if you count all the pieces, hair-ball with enough dust, crumbs, and what-shall-not-be-thought-of to stuff a throw pillow (if you were of a mind to have all those allergens in a pillow). I didn't try, but I'm pretty sure I cleaned it all out. So at this point, what should have been a 30 minute tops chore has taken me at least an hour & a half & I'm still not done! No wonder I hate vacuuming! I finally finish, but again, it just doesn't seem up to full strength... Geez...

This time I figure since I've cleaned out the hose its time for the dust-cup & the filter to be cleaned. I learned that the filter does indeed come off the housing of the dust-cup. I also learned that some of the nasty dust (and other things) actually form a cake-like/dried-mud-like substance that gets between the fins of the filter. Using time-honored tradition of women everywhere - I again used my porch railing to beat the dirt out of the filter. The dust-cup, thank God, is actually easy to empty, so it was done quickly in the beginning.

Had I really been interested in true cleanliness I would have started all over. However, I apparently don't care *that* much and I do HATE vacuuming *that* much... So while the floor is better than it was, I don't think I'd say its actually clean... Of course, w/ all that beating, banging, swinging, pushing, pulling, twisting, etc my foobs, arms, chest, & head were hurting. I'm just now starting to notice that my eyes are quite itchy as well... I'm also just now starting to realize just how sore my foobs are - quite a bit more than they were earlier today. :-( Oh well, all in the name of cleanliness! After all, cleanliness is next to Godliness the old saying goes.

What's w/ these rocks?

Well, today was a beautiful day outside. So mom & I took the kiddos outside. Rachel wasn't a big fan of the sun and wind, but we rigged a tent for her in her umbrella stroller. Simon on the other hand LOVED every second of it! I had forgotten some cold things on the counter at home when mom picked us up, so Simon & I walked to my house. The walk to my house is mainly downhill from mom's, so it was pretty easy, however, it is fairly long - maybe a 1/4 of a mile. Simon ran the whole way. Of course he absolutely LOVED it. We got our stuff & popcicles and started back. Initially, Simon still thought it was fun. There are some mud puddles that we call 'gunk pits' b/c of his favorite show (Bigfoot presents Meteor & the Mighty Monster Trucks). He was also still fascinated by the tracks Andrew's Bronco leaves in the dirt. However, we got to the point where we had to start climbing & he didn't think it was so much fun anymore. He wanted me to carry him, but of course that wasn't really an option. He made it up the hill though I just had to pick things that motivated him.

It wasn't until we got back that I had big signs of trouble w/ the foobs. They felt like they'd doubled in weight and were throbbing. They also felt *really* hard - not just to touch, but actually hard from the inside (my chest wall). Of course, silly me hadn't taken any pain meds since 7 am (it was going on 2 pm by then). They're doing better now, but note to self - take pain meds b/4 walking a fairly long distance.

I also had trouble w/ them this morning b/c last night I'd used some gauze to keep the bacitracin ointment on them over night. I went to pull it off as I usually do & the left (good) one started bleeding like crazy. The gauze stuck to the scab & started pulling it off. Luckily I noticed b/4 I'd completely severed the connection. I doubled up on the gauze & went back to bed (this was at 7 am for Rachel's morning feeding). By the time I got to take my shower (around 11 am) it had loosened enough on its own to come off w/o any effort on my part (or using the shower). Needless to say I was *very* gentle on the left side today!

The right (bad) side seems to be doing a bit better. It seems like I can get some blood flow by gently scrubbing at it. I'm not 100% sure if scrubbing is actually recommended, but to my way of thinking that's what you do to something that's not getting enough circulation. If you think back to when women were fainting all the time (b/c their corsets were too tight) they'd always vigorously rub their wrists & hands. I think people still do that in some instances. Plus, I'm using baby wash-cloths w/ plenty of bubbly soap to make it less rough. Since I personally think there's improvement, I'm going to continue - at least until Friday's verdict.

Well, I'd better go let these rocks on my chest rest a bit. I'm tired & the kiddos are in bed. Andrew's waiting for me too. Good-night/day!