One month ago...

It's been exactly a month since my last surgery & 21 months since my first surgery. What a long time to still feel a un-normal. :-/ However, i am healthy for the most part. I am also very hopeful that this last surgery combined with physical therapy will resolve the pain issues.

Due to the physical therapy, I am finally able to lay on my stomach! :-D it has been over 2 years since I could do that. Initially I couldn't lay on my stomach because I was pregnant. then I had my first surgery (mastectomy & expander reconstruction). Once I healed a bit from that, I began to have the expanders filled. Those things were WAY too hard to lay on! I had those for almost a full year. Then with the 'real' implants, they were too uncomfortable to lay on too. Now, the tension in the skin of my abdomen & incisions have kept me on my back &/or side. However, the PT has stretched me enough & softened the scar tissue of the incisions enough for me to sleep like God intended me to -- on my belly!

Too bad I still have to wear a bra 24/7. :-/ I have been wearing a bra 24/7 for 2 years as well. Again, initially it was caused by my pregnancy/baby. I had to bind my breasts to reduce milk production. Then the same surgeries require the constant support of a bra. However, these more natural & smaller foobs are infinitely easier to put in a bra.

On a troublesome note, I just found out my donated time is running short already. :-( However, I am very grateful for the donations I received! :-) With the wonderful people that donated, I have been able to keep our household of 4 afloat through this difficult time. God truly does provide if you ask sincerely & turn your cares over to him.

I have at least 2 more weeks of PT 3 times a week. Those 2 weeks (including this one) are also my last 2 weeks of complete time off from work. When I drop down to only 2 sessions a week (for an indeterminate time), I will have to juggle work & the rest of my rehabilitation. At this moment I am unsure how to best do that to give work 100% AND also give my rehabilitation 100%. Hopefully a good solution will be acceptable to all.

The physical therapist seems very pleased with my progress thus far. She is also very optimistic that she can help me resolve the numbness & tingling/burning in my arms & hands. She says the nerves have shortened & need very slow, careful, consistent stretching to reach 'normal' length again. I have at least 20 minutes of 'homework' that i must do twice a day every day to continue my rehab. Thankfully, my collar-bones haven't been nearly as sore as prior to this last surgery. However, she is also working with me to get my chest in better shape. Eventually, she thinks I will be almost as good as new.

She has been doing a combination of some massage techniques as well as stretching exercises. My left side is the worst in almost all aspects. Over the past 21 months, I have almost constantly favored my left side. I've been trying to protect myself from the constant pain & irritation of all that has been done to me. The skin covering my ribs, chest, & abdomen has stiffened & attached itself to the underlying tissues. In some cases the underlying tissue is very close to bone & therefore almost immovable. Either as an effect of that or due to not fully utilizing my left side, my rib cage doesn't "spring" as it should. In other words, when I try to take a deep breath my ribs don't expand -- especially on the left. This has also been complicated by the skin removed from my abdomen tightening all my skin. When I pull down on the skin covering my abdomen, all the skin above it (chest, neck, etc) moves. In a 'normal' person, the skin smoothly glides & doesn't affect such a large area of the body. This skin tension limits movement a great deal. as far as the nerves (& blood vessels) go, they are so shortened that when I raise my arms to shoulder height, the pulse in my wrists disappears for several seconds (definitely NOT supposed to happen). Standing in a doorway, pressing my elbows at about shoulder height into the doors lets me feel the blood rushing out of my hands. As the blood leaves my hands, they get cold & quickly begin burning/tingling & growing numb (again NOT supposed to happen). There are other things she has told me, but these are the biggies for me. I'll continue working with her until I'm better or she gives up on me.

My worst fear (besides the pain remaining) is that I'll push myself too hard too fast as I tend to do. Historically, I have always been in a hurry to get back to my 'normal'. After my knee surgery in high school, I pushed myself so that in 3 months not only was I running again; I was doing 300 meter hurdles at the regional competition. That resulted in 2 more surgeries on the same knee. After my mastectomy & second reconstruction, I rushed back to work, but ended up in excruciating pain & in difficulty with work. This time I'm trying to take it slow, but our finances require that I return to work ASAP. It's a conundrum, but I'm going to try to put it in God's hands.

Hopefully clear communication (guided by the Holy Spirit) will help everyone involved understand the full situation so no one gets fooled by my supposed 'normal' looks & actions. I've been told that I make it look too easy, so people tend to think I'm much better off than in truth. However, it goes against my nature to "wear sack-cloth & ashes" (scriptural reference) just to elicit sympathy. I will hurt myself before I neglect my obligations. However, the best option is to not hurt myself, but have an understanding with everyone involved with my situation. Hopefully, this is not impossible.

Thanks for everything!

LifeSiteNews thinks I'm worthy of a story!!

I have been humbled again by the support and encouragement I have received from strangers. LifeSiteNews, a pro-life, pro-family news agency has written a story about my journey. The author interviewed my mom, Andrew & me in addition to reading my prolific blog entries. His summation of my story is very humbling as he believes that my story will help save lives! Thank you Mr. Pete Baklinski!

That is why I write here & tell everyone who will listen what has happened to me; not because I want praise, fame, or sympathy, but because I truly want others to know that scary diagnoses while pregnant DO NOT have to end as a choice between mother or child. Since God is the Author of Life and He only gives us what we can handle, I know that living my life through this journey and glorifying God while speaking out for life is what He called me to do. I know that even one life saved through my story means that my suffering was not in vain!

Here's a link to the story (I hope, I'm composing this on my phone):

http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/a-thanksgiving-gift-mother-with-aggressive-cancer-gives-birth-to-healthy-ba

Thank you KY employees

I need to give a shout out to my fellow KY employees. They have really carried me through this long struggle with kind emails, prayers, thoughts, & even time. Their compassion & generous nature have made my struggle a little less harrowing. Their support means more to me than I can say. So the next time you complain about state workers, know that in this great state, the workers care for one another & do their jobs with pride!

Faith

Through Faith I know that God cares for me. I know He's counted the hairs on my head. I know He's offered to shoulder my burdens. However, I can't help feeling that I'm so deep in this whole that I cannot be saved. I need to let go & let God, but that is incredibly difficult.

FYI: This is not with regards to my health, just the worldly consequences of my long struggle... In other words $ -- the root of all evils & the necessity for today's life.

Priceless...

Gas money for trip to Houston: $400, Hotel for 13 nights: $1064, Hospital fees for surgery: $45,000, Hope that my painful journey is over: PRICELESS!

As you see above, I've gotten my first bill from the hospital for my surgery. Although I know it took tremendous skill & lots of time to cut me to bits & then stitch me back together, that amount seems obscene. That amount doesn't count the surgeons, anesthesiologist, and other doctors that saw me. Wow!!!

Home Sweet KY!!!

Today I was released from TX!!! Yippee!!

I also met with a physical rehabilitation (Supportive Care) doctor. After performing a difficult (due to my abdominal restrictions) exam, the doctor spoke to me about my pain issues. He indicated that there may be some nerve damage &/or some muscular deficits from the mastectomy. Time will tell whether the surgery and physical therapy will be successful at eliminating this chronic pain. Hopefully by the end of my recovery period I will know the full extent if this latest adventure's success (or failure). My surgeon told me to think only of the positives. He commented that I was healing "remarkably well" as my stitches and the wires on my arteries were removed.

We have just returned to KY (at 5 am after driving all night). In 6-8 weeks I will have another follow-up appointment with the surgeon and physical rehabilitation doctor in TX. In this 6-8 weeks I plan to rest and rehabilitate. I will be seeking out physical therapy & some more diagnostic tests locally. I intend to rest first to recover from this traumatic surgery. Then I plan to throw myself into rehabilitation with my customary gusto.

I have received some kind emails from various individuals and groups, including some fellow KSP employees. I am grateful and humbled by any show of support. This support means more to me than I can say. Please keep it coming because this journey is still not over. Without support from people like you, I would not be able to do as well as I do. Thank you!

Recovering

I'm slowly recovering. Today I ventured to Mass. We chose the MD Anderson chapel. I was unable to kneel due to the tightness of my entire front, but otherwise all was as it should be. I noticed that I was quite limited with my singing as well. Again I think that's due to the tightness of my front.

I'm trying to be kind of circumspect about the descriptions of my surgery and incisions. However, without trying to be graphic, I'm going to describe one of the incisions I have. My most limiting incision is on my abdomen. The line starts on my right hip. Not the front, though, as I expected, but instead on the back. I have a couple of blue stitches there. The line continues all the way down into my bikini line and around to the back of my left hip. At first description that doesn't sound too bad. I mean a straight incision isn't that big of a deal. However, this incision is actually only a small portion of my trouble. Prior to surgery the surgeon made a very large football-shaped mark on me. This was the harvest area. Basically, the surgeon cut this large football-shape out -- skin and underlying fat. The football-shaped skin that was removed is probably in a biohazard bucket somewhere. I didn't end up needing the skin the be transplanted with the fat. He then folded me in half and stitched the edges back together. The loss of skin is why he had to fold me in half -- I no longer have enough to easily reach across the hole he created. Thankfully, human skin -- especially abdominal skin on a woman -- is quite resilient & stretchy. However, in most instances, skin only needs to stretch a small amount at a time. However, since the crater he created was about 5" at it's widest, my skin is stretching quite far quite fast. To reduce the strain and pain of this stretching, I must walk, stand, sit, & even lay curved into a slight C-shape. Both the stretching & curving cause significant pain, however, as time goes on, my abdomen will eventually look, feel, & behave as it did before.

The drawing below is a representation of my abdomen. The pink dashed lines represent the drawing the surgeon did prior to surgery. The red line is the current incision I have on my abdomen. Incidentally, the belly-button in the drawing & in real life stayed in place, but was cut around and threaded through the stretched skin.

Memories...

I have little recollection of Friday and Saturday. Sunday, I remember quite well, even though I'd rather forget it. My surgery Friday was successful from the surgeons viewpoint. I haven't had any signs of infection or flap loss. The jury is still out as to the success of this surgery of relieving my chronic pain. As of Monday I just started to get some of the numbness & tingling feeling in my left arm. However, my collar bones aren't hurting. Sunday was really bad. Apparently, my body objects to anesthesia very violently on the second post-op day. I was retching so violently that my nose bled. Bleh. However, Monday I was awake from 5 am till 12 pm & did 4 laps around the nursing station. I ate & did all those things the doctors require post-op. I had 4 drains -- one lower left abdomen, one lower right abdomen, one left foob, & one right foob. The drains have been switched out for smaller ones too. Tuesday one of my drains was removed & the wires on my transplanted arteries were disconnected (the wires let the doctors hear the blood-flow). According to my doctors everything is looking good. I was released to the hotel mid-afternoon on Tuesday. When my other drains produce less than 20mL if swelling fluid for 2 days they can be taken out. It's looking like I'll go in Friday for drain removal. I have 2 appointments Monday & then we'll start the long trip home. My hopes are still high that at least some of my pain will be relieved from this surgery, but only time will tell. Thank you for all the prayers & thoughts!

Waiting in PACU

Right now I'm in the pre-op holding area waiting for my IV and then surgery.

Nervous Nelly thy Name is Erika

Well, tomorrow morning at 515 I will be checking in for my 8-10 hour surgery. I'm marked up like a side of beef. Mom took a photo, but my blog isn't rated for that kind of content. ;-) If you've ever had doctors make a road map on your body with a Sharpie, you know how humiliating & frightening it is. If you haven't experienced it, pray you don't. The humiliation is because at that time you are no longer a person, you are a canvas. The doctors (there were 3 drawing on me) spoke among themselves as if I wasn't conscious. When they acknowledged me, it was to issue orders for me to move a certain way or to try to re-assure me. The reassurances didn't really work. I think the inside of my lip will bear the permanent mark of my teeth. It was all I could do to not cry. The doctors were not cruel or rude in anyway, but being stripped of all clothing except some brief undies & verbally dissected was just kind of hard to take.


Suffice it to save that large portions of my anatomy will be transferred from one location to another & the implants will be canned. Hopefully, the pain from the surgery won't be too bad. Hopefully, the constant pain will leave me.

For the first 48 hours, the transplanted tissue will be checked for appropriate circulation every hour. If circulation is compromised by clots, I will be rushed back to surgery. This failure only happens about 1% of the time. About 50% of those failures are salvageable. Sometimes the flap of transplanted tissue must be removed. After 48 hours the risk of flap failure decreases dramatically. At that point, hematomas, seromas, infections, and poor healing become the threats. With the exception of a severe infection, none of these other concerns are life threatening.

For about 2 weeks I will have to walk slumped over to protect the sutures on my abdomen. The skin from my belly-button to the low-rise waist of my pants & all the fat & some (maybe) of the muscle will be removed. Depending on the amount of muscle taken, the pain, recovery, & permanent functionality of my abdominal muscle will be affected. If much of the muscle is needed my abdominal strength will forever be compromised. It shouldn't be too bad, but it will definitely be another adjustment.

Just the thought is making me sick to my stomach. "Our Father, who art in Heaven..."

If all goes well, by 6 weeks I should have a good idea of whether my constant pain has been alleviated by this surgery. I feel compelled to point out, again, that this constant pain is THE reason for this operation. This surgery is complicated and scary. This surgery is not something I chose lightly because I wasn't satisfied with my appearance or because I chose too large implants out of vanity. The implants chosen for me are the most comparable to my natural breasts. That is the point of reconstruction -- to get back as close to normal/natural as possible. I have just had the misfortune to have excruciating pain with my reconstruction. No one understands my pain, it's origin, or even it's effect on my life. This is basically my last-ditch effort to alleviate the pain. If not for the pain & it's profound effect on my life, I would NOT be having this surgery. However, the truth is that I find myself without real options. Living with the pain has gotten me nothing but grief.

These last 2 weeks of no medication as a precaution against excessive bleeding &/or uncontrollable pain have been hell. Until I quit taking any medication for it, I didn't realize how much my nightly dose helped. However, having constant pain that is already a 6 on a 1-10 (10 = worst) upon waking in the morning is awful. Depending on the activities & stress of the day, by early evening my pain level was often at an 8 or a 9. Trying to work, drive, play with the kids, cook supper, or even take care of myself was monumental. It is my fondest wish & most fervent prayer that this surgery cures my pain or at least minimizes it.

2 weeks...

I've got 2 weeks left until my next step on this journey. I'm hoping & praying that this will be my last medical step on this journey. The rest of the journey (hopefully) will be one of spirit and mind. :-) Today is the day that a L O N G list of medications becomes taboo, including, but not limited to: ibuprofen, topical pain relievers (IcyHot), narcotic pain relievers, and herbal remedies. I've tried some of everything it seems, but now I have to give them all up until after my surgery.

I've been keeping myself from completely freaking out by psyching myself out about the anticipated results of this surgery. The biggest result sounds pretty vain, but in reality it may be the root of this current problem: smaller foobs. This bonus (which doesn't sound like much of a bonus if you're not a member of the big boobie club) is actually starting to make me look forward to the surgery. Since I wear about a 34DD, my clothing is sometimes stretched beyond its tolerance and/or I must buy things bigger than my frame. Neither of which is flattering. As a matter of fact, the other night I tried on a dress and commented to myself that it'll fit much better once the 'girls' are smaller.

I'm not sure what my abdomen will look like -- its hard to imagine not having the excess skin from my 2 full-term pregnancies. I've accumulated a little bit of squish in a prime location for muffin-top. However, the difficulty I have imagining the front-center squish gone is complicated by the fact that it kind of just wraps around and includes my hips. ;-) To be perfectly honest, I'm pleased with my body shape. Even considering how painful my foobs are, aesthetically they are balanced for my frame. I'm afraid that the smaller (but more real) foobs I will have after surgery will make my body unbalanced. Afterall, 38" hips need a 38" bust to be proportionate in my mind. However, I will be happy if my new foobs produce proportionate pain as my hips.

All this talk about foobs and boobs has gotten me (and my mom) to thinking... Is boob and/or boobies a vulgar term? We're torn about it. I personally use the term foob or boob instead of breast for a couple of reasons. Number one of these is that it's not so stuffy as saying "breast" all the time. I know some people aren't comfortable with either term (breast or boob -- not to mention foob), but breasts (or boobs if you prefer) are a part of our God-given anatomy. I'm as comfortable using the term boob as I am using the term butt. They're kind of on-par with one another. They are both "unmentionable" areas. There are lots of names for both -- some more vulgar than others. As younger children, most people probably giggled excessively when either the formal terms or the slang terms were used. We have gradually become accustomed to using the terms, but still on occasion we giggle at what seems like inappropriate use of the terms (at least I do).

Some of the Breast Cancer Awareness groups have used Boobies to "sell" awareness to the masses. There's the "Feel your boobies" campaign, the "I love boobies" campaign, there's even a photo of a little girl with a slogan on her shirt referring to curing breast cancer before she grows "boobs" I think. If I'm hyper-critical I can see where these campaigns can seem vulgar. However, since my children's pediatrician used the term "boobie-baby" for Simon when he was breast-feeding, I'm much more comfortable with the term than I was previously. Having children, breast-feeding, and my breast cancer have brought me to a whole new level of body-parts. At this point in my life, perhaps I'm a little free with information on a personal level, but I think it's working for me. I probably wouldn't speak to the Pope about my foobs or boobs, but I don't think I'd be comfortable talking to him about breasts period! What do you think?

23 days to go & I'm already a ball of nerves



This is my creation for a blog I
contribute to called Catholic Sistas
 for Respect Life/Breast Cancer awareness month

 If I wasn't afraid I'd lose my curls, I'd be pulling my hair out over my upcoming surgery. << That is my weak attempt at humor for this post.

For some reason this surgery is causing me more stress than ANY of my others (that I remember). I think at least a portion of the stress is caused by vanity. I have nightmares of waking up with gaping holes in my chest while the doctors just shake their heads and say, "It looks fine." Really though, I know that is the least of my concerns. I know this surgery is fundamentally more risky than my previous surgeries. Even the bilateral mastectomy was less of a risk simply because its pretty simple to amputate. The difficulty comes in trying to transplant to an area already fraught with inflammation and scar tissue. Part of the difficulty is rooted in the vanity side of the operation -- afterall the entire purpose of this type of surgery is to *look* normal. However, infection of both the donor site (my belly fat) or transplant site (the new foobs) is a significant possibility. Its also possible for the transplant to just not 'take'. I'm also paranoid that going this drastic is not going to affect my pain levels significantly. Well, I *KNOW* the surgery is going to immediately cause an increase in pain level. The chancy part is whether my chest, neck, shoulder, & arm pain will decrease, stay the same, or even possibly increase. The true purpose of this (final?!?!) surgery is to relieve my pain, but so far, no one is willing to give me odds on a positive outcome.

Another aspect of this surgery that I've hinted (ok, ok -- I outright asked/am asking for donations) is the financial considerations. In my previous post, I outlined that I am the *only* income for our household of 4. My husband & I figured it out last night: by the time you subtract the mortgage & my gas money to commute to work, we have approximately $250 per person for the entire month. That has to cover groceries, car insurance, diapers for two large kids (Simon's pretty good during the day, but nights are a whole 'nother story), toiletries, medical needs, incidentals, and the unexpected costs associated with life and having 2 worn out vehicles ('88 Ford Turbo Coupe & '95 Jeep Grand Cherokee). Even with coupons & savings cards, our grocery bills typically reach $200 twice a month. Then you have to factor in getting *to* the grocery store when driving aforementioned worn out vehicles. I didn't realize it as much when Simon was younger, but diaper boxes really do contain a whole lot less the larger the child. To be completely honest, things have gotten so bad that Andrew & I are taking steps toward bankruptcy. I wake up every morning for work and feel nothing but dread; not necessarily because I hate my job, but more because I know I'm stuck working to *barely* support my family. When I sleep my dreams are populated with the horrors of surgery (including my death) as well as financial ruin (my family being homeless). That makes for a bad attitude, panic attacks, and exhaustion (even though I know perfectly well that my extended family would never let us be homeless or go without necessities).

Going through this surgery requires me to put a LOT of faith in my doctors and our Merciful God. I'm not very good at turning the reins over to another. Hence the panic attacks, hot flashes, and overall flipping out I've been doing lately. I've always felt like I need to protect others from unpleasantness. I hold my emotions in so someone else can have me as their support and/or so someone else doesn't have to support me. I work really hard to try to reassure everyone that everything will be ok. My cheerful facade is just that -- a facade. It's no more real than the old-timey movie sets in our favorite movies.

Sometimes I can trick myself into believing my facade is my truth. Then something happens to reveal a crack. The crack slowly becomes larger & larger until I feel like I can no longer withstand the whirlwind of emotions coming toward me. I've been told to "let go and let God." Oh, how I wish it was that easy! I pray to God to lift the burden from me. I've been told, "Just like the footprints in the sand, God will carry you if you'll just let him. He already, is in fact." I turn around to look, but instead of footprints at all, all I see is the whirlwind obliterating all the progress I've made. I look at the image of Christ on the cross and I Faithfully know that my burdens and sins were nullified by His Act of Sacrifice. However, I can't help but also see the cross I'm carrying and nailed upon. Christ's was the Ultimate Sacrifice for me and you. However, when the winds overwhelms me (us?), it is so difficult to see how His Selfless Act could *really* take away my sufferings. Maybe I'm looking at it wrong. Afterall, Christ did tell us that we had to pick up our cross and follow Him. Maybe I have picked up my cross, but I'm not yet to the path in the road where Jesus takes my "yoke upon His shoulders". Maybe its because I'm willfully (even if subconsciously) turning from His path by pridefully creating my own.

Even as I type this, I know that without Christ's help I'd have already succumb to my life's troubles. So, even as I question myself and God, I Faithfully *KNOW* that He is watching over me. I'm in that odd state of acknowledging God's help but still requiring so much more. Neither the grief counseling books nor the cancer help books have accurately described this place I feel I'm in. I don't doubt God nor do I blame God. I don't ask Him "Why", but I also don't ask Him often enough for help. I'm not angry or belligerent. I know that somewhere inside this mess of my life is a message from Him to me and to everyone who has been touched by my life. I just can't see that message to me. I can see the message to others and that's another reason why I have such a cheerful facade. I want everyone to know that it *IS* possible to keep the Faith while going through trials. I want everyone to know that it *IS* possible to carry your child to term and receive treatment for cancer. I want everyone to see the positives of my situation -- not the negatives. However, behind the facade the negatives build.

This, my journal, is a release of these tumultuous emotions I have. Althought I'm speaking "to" an audience (you my readers), in reality I am speaking to myself. I am reassuring myself that if I can put my troubles in black & white (well, my draft is black & white) then there *must* be a way to resolve them. Plus, an outpouring of the Holy Spirit from your prayers is ALWAYS a welcome addition to problem solving!

26 days and counting... Help needed

Today is the beginning of Respect Life & Breast Cancer Awareness month. October is *my* month, in my opinion, because I've blended the two so well. I respected life (both mine & my unborn baby's) as I fought breast cancer.

The problem is that as much as I wish my journey was complete and I was back to 'normal', that is not the case. In 26 days, I will be going under the knife again. This will make the fifth surgery I've had since my diagnosis. This will be the 2nd attempt to make my reconstruction pain-free. Most breast cancer journeys shown on TV show a woman who is diagnosed, seeks treatment, recovers, & goes on with life with little problem. That is a tremendous understatement of real-life scenarios. I know I'm not the only one who has continued to suffer from their diagnosis long after the rest of the world assumes healing is complete. Few people can understand the overwhelming disruption to life in general. Things that used to be stepping stones become milestones. Life does not simply begin again where it was prior to the diagnosis. I've not stepped into anyone else's shoes, but I know that my journey has been fraught with issues that have ultimately affected every aspect of my life.

With the continued problems (constant pain, numbness, and tingling in my chest, shoulders, neck, and arms) that I've had beyond the extended leave for big issues (chemo while pregnant, more chemo after delivering a healthy baby girl, bilateral mastectomy with immediate expander reconstruction, ovary removal with serious complications, emergency hysterectomy, and 2nd stage reconstruction with implants), I have used all the time I have accumulated myself by going to various doctors as attempts to solve my continued issues. I've been to 2 plastic surgeons, a pain management doctor, my regular doctor, my oncologist, and had various tests run as well as having the assorted illnesses that come with stresses on the body -- migraines, stress headaches, stomach bugs, flu-like symptoms, etc. This will be the fourth time I will be off work for an extended period of time. The people of the great state of Kentucky -- my co-workers and other state employees -- have previously dontated their own sick time to ensure that my family can continue to be supported. At this point, I hesitate to ask (beg) for more donated time since I have received so much. However, I must ensure my family's continued welfare. I am the bread-winner of the family -- all income and insurance comes from my pay-check. Andrew (my husband) has been incapacitated with a debilitating back condition. The doctors can't do much beyond giving him pain medication. He even had to close his shop. As anyone with children knows, they're expensive! ;-) So we have more outgoing funds than incoming.

This next surgery is going to be significantly more involved than my last surgery for reconstruction. We're driving down to Houston on October 25th since my pre-op appointments begin in the morning of the 26th. My surgery is on the 28th. The doctor's estimate is a full week in the hospital following surgery. Then we're planning on about 4-7 days further in Houston for a follow-up appointment before returning home. The drive home will likely take at least 2 days since I will be incredibly tender from the long surgery. Then there will be the recovery time -- 6-8 weeks total (including the week in the hospital). During that time I will be unable to work or do much of anything. I am terribly concerned and anxious about how we will be able to afford all the time off I need to heal properly verses the amount of money all this will take.

I hate asking for a hand-out from anyone in these hard economic times. I hesitate to ask the workers of the state of KY to donate any more of their time -- especially since we all "donated" furlough days to the state last year. I hesitate to ask anyone's help. However, if there's one lesson I've learned during my illness, it is to ask for help when you need it. I need it now. I'm adding a PayPal button* to this blog in the hopes of getting some financial help for this (hopefully) last leg of my journey to wellness. There is also still a local account (Owensboro, KY) at PNC Bank that is named Erika Vandiver's Medical Fund. Asking this of you, my online supporters, gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know so many of you have your own struggles that you deal with daily. I also know that you have lifted me up with thoughts and prayers through this long journey. Your prayers and thoughts have been greatly appreciated and I hope to continue to receive them. However, there is little to be gained by not asking for help when it is needed. Help is needed.

*The PayPal account I'm using is Andrew's. I'm not very active with eBay or PayPal, so my account is quite limited and does not have a debit card for easy access on the road. His email address is MrFixIt@connectgradd.net -- that will probably be the header for the PayPal donation page. For bank statement purposes, the description for the transaction will appear as ERIKAS FUND. Again, thank you for your donation, prayers, and/or thoughts!

Houston bound again...

I just got the return call from Houston scheduling my appointment for Sept 12 with a Dr. Chang. I've sent messages to Dr. L & Dr. K for check-ups as well. That way we'll get more doctors for our time.

Now the issue is figuring out the most cost effective way to travel. Flights on Expedia range from about $375 per person round-trip plus car rental and hotel. Driving takes 19 hours or so & at least $300 of gas plus hotel, not to mention that we don't have a reliable vehicle to drive 900 miles.

If anyone has any bright ideas, PLEASE let me know! :-)

To foob or not to foob... That is the question

Well, it looks like surgery is in my future again. There are a few hurdles to cross first: my insurance no longer covers Dr W, so approval could be difficult; I have to decide if the risks are out-weighed by the benefits; and I need to decide to go smaller or to forgo the foobs altogether.

Dr W is writing a letter to Humana to convince them the surgery is necessary. My insurance dropped ALL U of L doctors because they objected to getting less than 1/2 the $$ their counter-parts at UK & Vanderbilt got. I don't think Humana can refuse the surgery as long as he uses the appropriate medical code due to the laws protecting cancer patients.

Dr W is not sure that the surgery will help the pain. It could, but he's never had a patient with this kind of issue. Smaller implants will weigh less, therefore maybe pull my muscles less. If we also drop the projection, the weight will be closer to my chest. That can help since it's easier to carry any weight closer to the body. Buying bras could also be much easier -- 32DD or 32E bras are really hard to find. Another surgery carries risks of infection, capsular contracture, loss of circulation, etc. Smaller implants may also not look right since my natural breast were this size, my nipples are positioned for this size breast, there will be excess skin, as I gain weight the foobs will not balance with the rest of my body.

Theoretically not having foobs at all would be the most assured solution. :-/ I'm just afraid that the lack will be bad for my psyche. I'm also afraid I'll look really weird. The way my body is designed, I think my chest is pretty concave. That concavity would create an obvious void under clothes. While I know my womanhood is not centered on my breasts, they are a normal part of feeling like a woman. The absence of any tissue on my chest would be a constant reminder of what I lost & my body's betrayal. The foobs are a constant reminder too, but at least it's only visible by me -- not the whole world. However, in some ways I am tempted to go this route because this pain is almost unbearable & it seems that no one knows what to do to fix it. There's even a chance that the absence of implants will eliminate the pain either. I'm also unsure whether it would be reversible. In other words, I'm unsure that once I eliminate the implants, but decide I cannot live that way, I can get new implants. I don't know what they would do with the excess skin (including my nipples). I have a lot of thinking, praying, & research to do.

Confusion

Andrew & I drove to Louisville to see Dr. W (my new-old plastic surgeon) Friday. Dr. W was very professional and courteous. He examined me and approved of the implant placement and appearance. However, he differed significantly from Dr. S (plastic surgeon from Evansville) about several things. First, he disagreed about the degree of bottoming-out I have. He didn't seem to think bottoming-out was much of an issue. He also disagreed about further surgery. His advice was to give myself closer to a year to heal and see if that mitigates the pain issues I'm having. He did not think smaller implants would help the pain issues or be aesthetically pleasing. He was actually quite concerned about another surgery so soon after my other issues of the past year (or two). He was also of a different opinion from Dr. S about the degree of retraction of my pectoral muscles. He had me push my hand down on my hip. Doing so moved the implant -- proving to him that the implant is indeed under the muscle. I pointed out that Dr. S said that the muscle had attached to the skin -- causing the implant to move when the muscle contracted. He looked dubious about that. Both explanations make logical/anatomical sense to me. However, he could not explain my lack of collar-bone hollows after my mastectomy & reconstruction. Like Dr. S he also doesn't really have any idea why I am having pain issues. However, unlike Dr. S he gave me some muscle relaxers since to it seems the pain originates with muscle spasms and/or contractions. The doctors bra preferences are also markedly different -- Dr S recommends very tight underwires, but Dr. W recommends well-fitting and supportive sports bras. He recommended even trying some sporting-goods stores (like Dick's) for some high $$, high performance, high support bras.

All-in-all I think it was a good visit. It wasn't what I was hoping, but at least he seems more concerned with getting me to feel better as opposed to simply focusing on my appearance. I actually broke down and teared up when I was trying to explain that something needs to be done to help me. I pointed out that I'm only 30 and already going to a pain management doctor. I go back in a month. He told me to continue seeing the pain management doctor for the time being. He also suggested to continue (re-start) my massage therapy. As I told him, at this point I am grasping at any straw presented to me.

Tomorrow's the big day!

I'm so excited! I am having my exchange tomorrow!! I'm also full of trepidation. The bad luck I've had in the past year is haunting my memory right now. There are so many risks. I know its mostly just me being paranoid, but I've got some serious bad feelings right now.

I keep mentally repeating "Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee. I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who are all good & deserving of my love. I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace to confess my sins, do penance, and amend my life. Amen."

Every once in a while I also mentally say, "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

Realistically, I know everything will be fine, but even as excited as I am, I know the risks. Whew... I'll be so glad when all this is behind me!

2 days to go!!!

I get to have my exchange surgery in 2 days!!! I'm so excited. However, my excitement has been tempered somewhat by the odd (to me) demand from my surgeon & the surgery center for me to pay up-front my out-of-pocket/insurance deductible. I've never had to do this before. I know I'm going to have to pay it eventually, but it just seems more reasonable to request it AFTER I receive the service & not in one lump sum. I have an emotional issue with thinking that I'm being treated as a frivolous cosmetic patient instead of a medical necessity (as declared by the AMA) cancer patient.

I just noticed that the addition of a "s" to my first sentence in a key location, could change the WHOLE meaning of what I'm excited about... :-D

Above is me this time last year - before my mastectomy.

Blood test results are in...

I got the call I've been dreading since Monday. Dr. S's office called to let me know about paying for my surgery. While I had them on the phone I asked for my blood test results (they didn't have them yesterday). It took her a minute, but she came back with the answers. My white blood cell count is low (I think), but just by a point or so. My PTT (clotting ability) is a bit high, which is surprising since I've been bruising a lot lately. As she was telling me this, my stomach was dropping to the ground (I was walking across the parking lot carrying 2 96 oz apple juice bottles & a gallon of milk). I was mentally preparing myself for the, "In your best interest, its best that we post-pone..."


Instead I got the OK! I GET TO HAVE MY SURGERY!!!!!!!!!! That is of course as long as I take my Tamiflu & don't get the flu (or whatever bug mom has) between now & then!!! I'm so excited! I never thought I'd be so excited to have surgery! I'm one big exclamation point!!!!!!!

Vanity

As I was sitting in the waiting room of my new plastic surgeon, I caught myself thinking about vanity. I've never really considered that I was vain. However, sitting there looking at the other patients coming & going in the plastic surgeon's office, wondering why they were there, and then wondering if they were wondering the same thing made me say to myself, "OK, I have to admit that I'm a bit vain at times." Sometimes its not the 'typical' vanity of wanting to look sexy or whatever. Its more the vanity of being the strong, well-put-together, self-assured, and take-me-as-I-am woman.

I guess, pride & vanity go into the first. My pride & vanity won't let me admit to failure or weakness. I think that's one reason I don't cry or share much emotionally. I'm afraid that if I do, whoever is around will discount me as weak.

I do enjoy being at least averagely built and looking. I don't think I'm drop dead gorgeous or even classically pretty. I'm not exotic or arresting, but I'm interesting to look at and put together well enough to be able to flaunt it. That is vanity to me.

Again, pride & vanity go into my presentation of myself as self-assured. To most outsiders, I probably appear to be very self-confident and self-assured. However, if most people were party to the thoughts in my head, they'd know a very different side of me. I almost constantly question whether I'm doing the right thing, saying the right things, looking the right way, etc. I analyze conversations I had months ago. I berate myself for saying something off-the-wall or for not expressing my true feelings. However, I keep that inside because I don't want to be misunderstood or appear less than self-assured.

The take-me-as-I-am side of me is the side that until recently didn't care whether I wore make-up or not. I was the girl who wore whatever was comfortable with no real question as to whether it was truly fashionable. I was comfortable enough with my body that any thought of doing anything to alter it (like plastic surgery or dieting) was not even on my radar.

Now I suddenly find myself searching for a plastic surgeon who can hopefully restore me to a reasonable facsimile of my pre-breast cancer self. I find myself searching for on-line photos of reconstructions like mine. I find myself analyzing other women's breasts and judging whether they're real or fake. Then I have to remind myself that mine will always be fake too. I also have to refrain from labeling these women (and a surprising number of men). I know that they could be like me, faced with the unappealing prospect of living life as less than themselves without the skill of a surgeon like Dr. S. However, I almost want to proclaim to everyone in the office that I had breast cancer & I'm not just getting a boob job for the heck of it. It shouldn't matter, but I've always prided myself as being natural in my appearance. Now I am definitely artificial.

Plus, I think in my mind I have a stigma attached to getting a boob job. It just seems frivolous to suffer as much pain as that just to have perky, larger, etc breasts. I must admit that any cosmetic surgery seems to me a bit frivolous and *way* too painful to be worth it. I don't mean that women shouldn't make themselves happy by fixing and/or improving what they want. I just never really thought it was necessary or anything I'd even vaguely consider - visiting a plastic surgeon. At MD Anderson, it wasn't such a shocking thing because all the patients there were like me - facing cancer and live irrevocably changed by the treatment of that cancer. However, visiting a thriving cosmetic plastic surgeon's office made me think about the cosmetic side of the business.

The outcome of my meeting with the Dr. S was successful. I have my reconstruction scheduled for Feb 17th! I chose that date because it'll be exactly a year 2 days post-surgery since I had my mastectomy. I'm so excited! I can't wait to get these coconuts off my chest. Her surgical plan is awesome! I think she'll do a great job. It'll also be awesome to be only 45 minutes to an hour from home for a surgery!