I wish...

I'm coming up on my three year cancer-versary and although I can happily say I'm cancer-free, I can't say that I'm healed. Sometimes I honestly look at my life now compared to my life before cancer and wonder if treating my cancer was worth it. The chemo and first surgery were cake-walks compared to what I still face. Then Rachel walks up to me with her chocolate drop eyes and sweet lispy voice to say, "I love you." Simon, not one to be out-done, comes over too with similar chocolate drop eyes and clear voice to say he loves me too. Andrew will glance over and give me a half smile -- a wordless way of letting me know he loves me too. They are the reason I am still fighting so hard. Without them I don't know what I'd be. All I know is that they give me the strength to continue fighting this seemingly endless battle. 

I feel so vulnerable sharing here, knowing that there are some in my audience who pass judgement on me. There are those who think I exploit my cancer-while-pregnant-at-28 years old. There are those who think that I look basically like I did before my diagnosis, so what's the big deal? There are those that see how well I cope with the aftermath, but don't realize I'm coping. There are those that think I've become used to staying home, but don't really need the time I take. There are those who think I've taken advantage of them and short-changed my obligation to them. These people see the photos I post, the smiles I force, the fun stories I tell, and the much abbreviated explanations of my continuing issues. Instead of asking for clarification, they'd rather talk behind my back and conspire against me. Instead of giving me compassion and the benefit of the doubt, they ignore medical facts presented to them and label me unwilling. I should know by now that nothing I say, do, or write will ever change their opinion. Yet, I continue to struggle not only medically, but also with these people for my sanity, life, and family. 

I'm so frightened of change. I wish I could just face my detractors to say, "Take your ignorance and keep it." Instead I lower my head to plod onward. I push myself until the pain is too great. I do my physical therapy as I continue through the day, just to prove my detractors wrong and to try to get a couple more useful hours out of the day. I force a smile when I feel like crying in frustration and pain. I've been told repeatedly to leave my troubles at home. I've also been told to be the best me I can be, detractors be ignored. I try, I really do, but deep down I am a soft-hearted, obstinate, honest, sincere, hard-working, try-my-best, people-pleasing kind of person. I can no more leave my troubles at home than I can leave my left arm (which would be awesome). So I'm left in a quandary... Who do I please, displease, or just ignore? 

There are times like now that I wish I were a stronger person. I wish I could exert my will and say the heck with everyone else. I wish I could cry in front of those who doubt my sincerity when the pain is too great. I wish I could fully express the agony I go through on a daily basis. I wish I could take the easy route and not feel guilty for giving up. I wish I could turn back the clock and leave this part of my life out of the equation. As the old saying goes, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." I'm definitely not riding.

I am who I am, how I am, what I am, and where I am for a reason. I just wish I knew what that reason was. Thank you for 'listening'. God bless you and prevent you from experiencing even a small portion of what I have. 

I wish...

I'm coming up on my three year cancer-versary and although I can happily say I'm cancer-free, I can't say that I'm healed. Sometimes I honestly look at my life now compared to my life before cancer and wonder if treating my cancer was worth it. The chemo and first surgery were cake-walks compared to what I still face. Then Rachel walks up to me with her chocolate drop eyes and sweet lispy voice to say, "I love you." Simon, not one to be out-done, comes over too with similar chocolate drop eyes and clear voice to say he loves me too. Andrew will glance over and give me a half smile -- a wordless way of letting me know he loves me too. They are the reason I am still fighting so hard. Without them I don't know what I'd be. All I know is that they give me the strength to continue fighting this seemingly endless battle. 

I feel so vulnerable sharing here, knowing that there are some in my audience who pass judgement on me. There are those who think I exploit my cancer-while-pregnant-at-28 years old. There are those who think that I look basically like I did before my diagnosis, so what's the big deal? There are those that see how well I cope with the aftermath, but don't realize I'm coping. There are those that think I've become used to staying home, but don't really need the time I take. There are those who think I've taken advantage of them and short-changed my obligation to them. These people see the photos I post, the smiles I force, the fun stories I tell, and the much abbreviated explanations of my continuing issues. Instead of asking for clarification, they'd rather talk behind my back and conspire against me. Instead of giving me compassion and the benefit of the doubt, they ignore medical facts presented to them and label me unwilling. I should know by now that nothing I say, do, or write will ever change their opinion. Yet, I continue to struggle not only medically, but also with these people for my sanity, life, and family. 

I'm so frightened of change. I wish I could just face my detractors to say, "Take your ignorance and keep it." Instead I lower my head to plod onward. I push myself until the pain is too great. I do my physical therapy as I continue through the day, just to prove my detractors wrong and to try to get a couple more useful hours out of the day. I force a smile when I feel like crying in frustration and pain. I've been told repeatedly to leave my troubles at home. I've also been told to be the best me I can be, detractors be ignored. I try, I really do, but deep down I am a soft-hearted, obstinate, honest, sincere, hard-working, try-my-best, people-pleasing kind of person. I can no more leave my troubles at home than I can leave my left arm (which would be awesome). So I'm left in a quandary... Who do I please, displease, or just ignore? 

There are times like now that I wish I were a stronger person. I wish I could exert my will and say the heck with everyone else. I wish I could cry in front of those who doubt my sincerity when the pain is too great. I wish I could fully express the agony I go through on a daily basis. I wish I could take the easy route and not feel guilty for giving up. I wish I could turn back the clock and leave this part of my life out of the equation. As the old saying goes, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." I'm definitely not riding.

I am who I am, how I am, what I am, and where I am for a reason. I just wish I knew what that reason was. Thank you for 'listening'. God bless you and prevent you from experiencing even a small portion of what I have. 

Gentle Improvements

Thankfully, today has been a better day. With medication every 4 ih ours (and not a second longer), my pain has finally gotten under control. The antibiotic must have packed quite a punch, because the pain I had while breathing is almost entirely gone. It is such a relief to be able to take a semi-deep breath again, although coughing, sneezing, or hiccups are still incredibly painful. Apparently, there is something in the back of my mind that's bothering me... Twice today I ended up re-organizing cabinets. I tend to do that when I have some niggling worry in the back of my mind. Obviously the benefits of such a compulsion (and that is exactly what it is) is wonderful. However, with one arm supposedly "resting" the detriment is costly. 

Physically, I can tell I'm improving, but I can also tell that I still have a long way to go. For instance, after having a decent morning with the kids and my parents, I had to go home and lay down for a nap. I don't usually nap at all, much less for 3 hours in the middle if the day! Then there's also this nagging sharp pain right under my left shoulder blade. Not matter how I try to gently stretch the affected area, I can't get any relief. Just an hour ago or so I suddenly hit some invisible wall. All the sudden I felt vilely ill for no reason I could imagine. Thankfully that has passed. I didn't ice my neck today, out of laziness, I guess. My mother- and father-in-law came over and could see the ugly swelling. I think my father-in-law was slightly disappointed that I didn't get to keep my rib to let him see/have. He did comment that "it's about time" women gave a rib back to Adam. I corrected him and said I gave mine to Adams, Dr. Adams! 

I am incredibly thankful to have learned so many physical therapy exercises for my arms and shoulders. Daily, I put them to practice, even when I'm in pain to to to relieve any pain caused by tight nerves, muscles, or misplaced joints. I'm also eternally grateful to have my parents, and Andrew's parents, so close. Being next door, my parents are available at all hours to take the kids should something unforeseen occur. It is also a tremendous blessing for me to be so emotionally as well as physically close to my parents. Sharing day-to-day struggles and successes, a glass of wine or low-ball of whiskey, the Eucharistic meal, the glories of gardening, and the laughter in comfortable harmony is something I don't think all people know to enjoy. Of course, Andrew likes to make snide comments about not enjoying the benefits of being next door to his in-laws, but it's all bluster... He secretly loves it.

I'm definitely no anatomical artist, but this is a bird's eye view of the important body parts of mine. Enjoy!