My Little Curly Breast Cancer Awareness

My oncologist was proud of me this month when I had my 6 year check-up. I'm all clear for the next 6 months! In celebration of that as well as to commemorate both this Breast Cancer Awareness month and my new endeavor of creating illustrations, I created this...

Over on my new blog, Benedict Catholic Creations, you can find more My Little Curly coloring pages. You can even contact me for requests. I intend to offer the almost 60 illustrations I have in this series as individual pages as well as in coloring book (ebook) format. They're available as JPEG files, but I will soon make them available as PDFs. For now I have a few available for free here, on my mommy blog, and on my Creations blog. 

In addition to the My Little Curly series created for Rachel, I've illustrated a Catholic First Holy Communion book with another woman named Erika, drawn many wheeled vehicles for my Simon, and just started a series of flowers. I use my creations as a focal point for some of the handwriting pages my children use in their schooling and also plan on authoring a book (or more) featuring the My Little Curly series. I plan on offering all of them on my Creation blog eventually. I'm hoping to use this to supplement our income since we're still financially strapped since my job loss in 2013. 

If you like this Curly, like the sound of my other creations, or would just like to contact me for something else, please do so! I love hearing from you!

Three Long Years Ago...

What a difference three years makes. This time three years ago I was bald, pregnant, and living with breast cancer treatments. For Halloween, I painted my 8-month belly as a turkey in honor of the due date of my baby girl. That year's Thanksgiving was especially well observed by my family and friends as we welcomed my baby girl, celebrated her daddy's birthday, were amazed at our survival of a breast cancer diagnosis at 20 weeks pregnant, as well as enjoyed usual Thanksgiving traditions.

Two years ago, I was recovering from an emergency hysterectomy precipitated by an abscess formed during my oophorectomy a month prior. The oophorectomy was a preemptive move to avoid ovarian cancer that so often goes along with BRCA1 breast cancer genes. I also had the honor of being blessed with the gift of the Right to Life of Owensboro's Life Award for my pro-life and pro-woman journey through breast cancer while pregnant. My children were well on their way to charming anyone within distance of the two year old boy and almost one year old girl.

One year ago, I was in a hospital in Houston, TX recovering from my third reconstructive surgery. This third surgery was one of my last steps to completely overcome the obstacle of my journey with breast cancer. I had my modified radical mastectomy when my daughter was about three months old. However, the second surgery, replacement of the expander implants with regular implants, had the unforeseen consequence of causing further pain. In an effort to recover from the pain, I chose to have the implants completely removed and use my own abdominal fat tissue to reconstruct my breasts. The surgery was long, difficult, and painful, but resolved some of the pain issues. Shortly before this surgery, I was again honored. This time the honor came from the Kentucky Cancer Program. Rachel and I were selected to be representatives of the Faces of Cancer photography series.

Five months ago, I had my last surgery (I hope and pray) connected to my breast cancer diagnosis. This last surgery gave (Dr) Adams (back) my first rib. Again, this surgery was a last-ditch effort to resolve the pain that hadn't loosened its grip on me since my mastectomy.  I had finally been diagnosed with something "treatable" instead of chronic idiopathic pain. Although Thoracic Outlet Syndrome isn't truly "curable" it is treatable with surgery, physical therapy, and time.

Just this past week, I had my four month check-up with my oncologist. He gave me an all-clear for another four months. Although no one really thinks I'll be diagnosed with cancer again, these appointments make me very nervous. That same day I also took the opportunity to peek through an open window as the door closes on another aspect of my life. 

In less than a month, my miracle baby will turn three. Time really does fly when you're having fun. Both of my children give me such joy and are so much fun that time with them seems truly fleeting. As my children blur in photographs, so too do the misfortunes that have faced me, my family, and my friends these past three years.

Since my diagnosis that fateful July day, I have tried to live my life as if each day is my last. I praise God for all the wonderful people He surrounded me with through this difficult time. He also gets many thanks for the blessings of my two very healthy (some might even say robust) children. My husband and I know that we are triply blessed to have three sets of very active grandparents to help us care for our babies. We also offer thanks for our joining our lives as one. Above all, each and every day is an opportunity to praise God for the most important gift of all: LIFE!

2 years ago..

I was bald & 9 months pregnant. After our pre-meal, Andrew & I returned home. Around 1030 that night (the 25th), Andrew & I were rushing to Labor & Delivery because I was terrified that Rachel wasn't moving. They reassured me she was ok, but kept me anyway.

It was a sleepless night for me (Andrew fell asleep on the chair). By about 430 am, I felt the absolute worst contractions ever (MUCH worse than my 'induced' ones with Simon). Around 730 am Andrew's birthday present, Rachel Eleonore, made her arrival. Her big brother Simon came to see her along with my mom & dad, Andrew's mom, & Andrew's dad.

I repeatedly asked the doctors to check her very thoroughly to make sure my worst fears weren't fact. I was repeatedly assured that my bundle of joy was absolutely healthy & perfect. She had a little trouble maintaining body temperature & a touch of jaundice, but everything was well within normal limits. The chemotherapy that had saved my life hadn't affected her at all! As a matter of fact, she had as much or more hair as me!! We wore our matching hats (hand crocheted by me) for photos & even news stories.

Now it's been 2 years... So hard to believe. I'm cancer-free, but still not pain-free. Rachel is still amazing everyone: only now it's based on what she can do, not what she survived. Simon & Andrew are still pleased with their girls!

On their birthday, we are going to celebrate Andrew's 31 years & Rachel's 2 years. We're having a Cowboy & Cowgirl themed birthday lunch. It's been a wild ride, but we've stuck out past the timer. Yee-haw!

26 days and counting... Help needed

Today is the beginning of Respect Life & Breast Cancer Awareness month. October is *my* month, in my opinion, because I've blended the two so well. I respected life (both mine & my unborn baby's) as I fought breast cancer.

The problem is that as much as I wish my journey was complete and I was back to 'normal', that is not the case. In 26 days, I will be going under the knife again. This will make the fifth surgery I've had since my diagnosis. This will be the 2nd attempt to make my reconstruction pain-free. Most breast cancer journeys shown on TV show a woman who is diagnosed, seeks treatment, recovers, & goes on with life with little problem. That is a tremendous understatement of real-life scenarios. I know I'm not the only one who has continued to suffer from their diagnosis long after the rest of the world assumes healing is complete. Few people can understand the overwhelming disruption to life in general. Things that used to be stepping stones become milestones. Life does not simply begin again where it was prior to the diagnosis. I've not stepped into anyone else's shoes, but I know that my journey has been fraught with issues that have ultimately affected every aspect of my life.

With the continued problems (constant pain, numbness, and tingling in my chest, shoulders, neck, and arms) that I've had beyond the extended leave for big issues (chemo while pregnant, more chemo after delivering a healthy baby girl, bilateral mastectomy with immediate expander reconstruction, ovary removal with serious complications, emergency hysterectomy, and 2nd stage reconstruction with implants), I have used all the time I have accumulated myself by going to various doctors as attempts to solve my continued issues. I've been to 2 plastic surgeons, a pain management doctor, my regular doctor, my oncologist, and had various tests run as well as having the assorted illnesses that come with stresses on the body -- migraines, stress headaches, stomach bugs, flu-like symptoms, etc. This will be the fourth time I will be off work for an extended period of time. The people of the great state of Kentucky -- my co-workers and other state employees -- have previously dontated their own sick time to ensure that my family can continue to be supported. At this point, I hesitate to ask (beg) for more donated time since I have received so much. However, I must ensure my family's continued welfare. I am the bread-winner of the family -- all income and insurance comes from my pay-check. Andrew (my husband) has been incapacitated with a debilitating back condition. The doctors can't do much beyond giving him pain medication. He even had to close his shop. As anyone with children knows, they're expensive! ;-) So we have more outgoing funds than incoming.

This next surgery is going to be significantly more involved than my last surgery for reconstruction. We're driving down to Houston on October 25th since my pre-op appointments begin in the morning of the 26th. My surgery is on the 28th. The doctor's estimate is a full week in the hospital following surgery. Then we're planning on about 4-7 days further in Houston for a follow-up appointment before returning home. The drive home will likely take at least 2 days since I will be incredibly tender from the long surgery. Then there will be the recovery time -- 6-8 weeks total (including the week in the hospital). During that time I will be unable to work or do much of anything. I am terribly concerned and anxious about how we will be able to afford all the time off I need to heal properly verses the amount of money all this will take.

I hate asking for a hand-out from anyone in these hard economic times. I hesitate to ask the workers of the state of KY to donate any more of their time -- especially since we all "donated" furlough days to the state last year. I hesitate to ask anyone's help. However, if there's one lesson I've learned during my illness, it is to ask for help when you need it. I need it now. I'm adding a PayPal button* to this blog in the hopes of getting some financial help for this (hopefully) last leg of my journey to wellness. There is also still a local account (Owensboro, KY) at PNC Bank that is named Erika Vandiver's Medical Fund. Asking this of you, my online supporters, gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know so many of you have your own struggles that you deal with daily. I also know that you have lifted me up with thoughts and prayers through this long journey. Your prayers and thoughts have been greatly appreciated and I hope to continue to receive them. However, there is little to be gained by not asking for help when it is needed. Help is needed.

*The PayPal account I'm using is Andrew's. I'm not very active with eBay or PayPal, so my account is quite limited and does not have a debit card for easy access on the road. His email address is MrFixIt@connectgradd.net -- that will probably be the header for the PayPal donation page. For bank statement purposes, the description for the transaction will appear as ERIKAS FUND. Again, thank you for your donation, prayers, and/or thoughts!

Hopefully I get final surgery clearance tomorrow!

Tomorrow I go see the plastic surgeon in Louisville. I'm pretty sure he's going to clear me for surgery... Although at this point, he still thinks he's doing the surgery. I'm pretty sure the date I have in mind will be good - July 5th or 6th. That'll give me time to celebrate my birthday, mom's birthday, & our nation's birthday! It'll also let me get the surgeon I want for my hysterectomy (she doesn't get back from maternity leave until then I think).

Rachel has a *very* small 1st tooth. Actually, I've not seen it, but I've felt it. Mom noticed it at church while she was letting Rachel gnaw on her knuckle. I felt it when I did the same thing. However, I can't feel it if I rub her gums though. She's also trying to learn to sit-up by herself (ie balancing, not actually pulling up to sit).

Simon slept through the night 2 nights in a row only to ruin it by making Andrew sleep w/ him last night. He had a good time today at Papaw & Mamaw's house. They bought him a motorized John Deere lawnmower w/ a wagon. When he pushed the pedal down & the thing moved he was so shocked that he cried. So funny!

Moody me... :-(

I've been terribly emotional since my surgery. This week it seems to have come to a head. I either want to chew someone's head off or burst into tears - or even both. This is WAY out of character for me - even through 6 pregnancies & horrible monthlies. Its gotten so bad that I started searching for answers after whining about it for a while. It turns out that both the medications I can take (Lyrica & Neurontin) can cause depression, suicidal thoughts, irritability, irrational behavior, etc. In other words, I read the side-effects list & saw my match!

The bad news is that my neuropathy is apparently a bit worse than I thought it was. I cut my finger today - a bit deeper than a paper-cut & never even noticed until I saw that my glove had blood in it. I thought my worst neuropathy problem was my feet/legs burning at night. I guess I was wrong. I called both my local oncologist & my TX one. My local oncologist said to continue the Neurontin at night (only) and to take 1/2 an Ativan in the mornings to see if that quick fix helps. If it does, then he may put me on an anti-depressant for the long run... Or until something happens w/ my neuropathy. My TX oncologist is worried that my neuropathy is bad enough that I can cut my finger & not notice. Her recommendation is acupuncture. I'm probably going to look into that too. If it'll take care of the neuropathy then I won't need ANY of the medications! That would be awesome!

Rachel rolled over from her belly to her back finally earlier this week. The little lazy thing still has issues w/ back to belly, but she can get most of the way. She's also eating like a horse! We're still sticking to bananas since I don't want to overwhelm her system. However, she's eating a "2nd foods" plastic container full of a rice cereal/banana mixture at night plus whatever her keepers give her during the day!

Simon is going to try to do some pottying this weekend. He's having trouble though. He's also having trouble sleeping. We don't know what it is, but sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. That's when he ends up sleeping with us. That's miserable for all of us b/c he's very sensitive and restless.

Unfeeling can sometimes be a good thing!

I got to thinking last night as I watched a couple of my scabs pull this way & that, that sometimes its truly a blessing to not have feeling in my new foobs right now! I'm still having LOTS of trouble w/ that tissue on the right side & the incision line. The tissue's scab is hanging on by what seems to be a thread. I took a shower to make sure it was clean last night & as the water poured over it (moving it slightly) I was profoundly glad I can't feel it! You know how scabs that are just barely hanging in there feel - right? They feel AWFUL! However, except for some shooting pains occasionally, I can't feel my foobs. I can feel pressure on my rib cage & muscles, but otherwise, its not even like the feeling you get at the dentist's office. Its the complete absence of feeling - not numbness - if that makes sense. Right now I think its probably a blessing! :-D

The kids are still snotty (both behavior & noses)! ;-) It seems Rachel's skin is improving, but her nose & cough are not. Poor thing. I put her to bed early tonight b/c she just seemed so miserable. Simon's still hanging in there. He's really trying to feel better - even to the point of saying "feel better" to himself. He's also gotten *really* good at blowing his nose! It was so funny today... We were at mom's w/ Abby, Sarah, & Lukas. Abby was playing house w/ Simon & Sarah - Simon was the daddy and Sarah was the baby (she'll actually lay down & take a 'nap' for Abby). Both Abby & Simon have play cell phones. So Abby 'called' Simon and asked him what he wanted for supper. Simon's answer was "pork chops" w/o prompting at all! Mom & I just looked at each other & giggled. So guess what I made tonight??? Pork chops! :-D

Electric day!

Well, today was apparently a bad day for everyone! All the kids were cranky & whiney. To try to help mom out & get Simon to take a better nap I brought my 2 home around 1pm. I didn't/don't feel 100%. I tried to have all three of us nap simultaneously, but of course, that never works out... First Rachel wouldn't sleep. Then once we (Rachel & I) got to sleep, Simon woke up crying. Andrew didn't get home from work until 8pm. Its been crazy.

Rachel's rash is looking better though. We've been using the steroid cream from the doctor - for another week - since Monday night. I'm also only bathing her on alternate nights in Aveeno oatmeal baths. Tonight was an off night for the bath! She's eating well, but now her nose is runny! Geez, these allergies are hitting hard this year!

Simon's nose is *still* doing its crazy dripping. He's still coughing too. I'm pretty sure its just allergies w/ him too. Last night he was coughing so hard from post-nasal drip that he was gagging himself. Of course, I also think he's going through a super-sensitive-gag-reflex time. Its kind of obvious though that he's just kind of miserable. We watched some TV (Cars, Big Foot, & Chuggington) and colored some pictures (a Mater print out & a free-hand tractor-disk-Mustang Cobra combination).

I don't really know what's up with me. I'm just absolutely exhausted. Partly I know its b/c I stay on the computer too late at night, but its the only opportunity I get. Its also partly probably allergies - my eyes are itchy, my throat gets sort of achy every once in a while, etc. Plus, for some reason I keep having shooting pains where I have no feeling - in the foobs. I'm also having some trouble getting to sleep. I toss & turn & try to get comfortable for a long time. A good portion of that is b/c I'm still not able to sleep on my stomach like I want to do.

Another night in the ER

Yep, we spent another night (very early morning) in the ER... It wasn't for me though - it was for my husband, Andrew. He has a kidney stone. He was huffing & puffing, moaning & groaning the entire trip into the hospital. I've heard kidney stones be compared to childbirth for men, so I figure he was very much in pain. They actually got to him really quickly and even dosed him with pain meds fairly early into our visit. We arrived around 1 am and left around 345 am. Not too bad considering some previous visits we've had were well over 4 hours...

Anyway, they sent him home w/ prescriptions for pain, nausea, and swelling (Flowmax to be exact) and a little funnel sieve to catch the stone when it comes out. He's spending a lot of time sleeping (all the drugs have that side-effect). I keep waking him up to drink and/or pee to get that thing GONE! Hopefully he'll be feeling better soon.

Simon & Rachel appear to both be on the mend. Both have snotty noses (probably allergies). Simon coughs at night some, but doesn't wake himself up like he was doing. Rachel's rash seems to have already responded to the cream, but before the next time for her rub-down she's itchy & fussy again. Of course, she's also completely made both her fists chapped by chewing on them b/c she's already teething. By this time Simon had already cut a tooth I think. However, they're doing pretty well.

I'm *really* tired. I was driver last night & I have a phobia about being in the ER for a serious reason alone w/ only the patient - especially it seems if intense pain is involved. I had a flash-back to my time in college w/ my then boyfriend (later fiancé). His trip did not turn out well... I was alone w/ him until his parents could arrive & witnessed some of the most tremendous pain in an individual that I think I've ever seen. I was 20, in the middle of finals week before Christmas, and watching my boyfriend writhe in pain. Not a good place to be or a good memory. It seemed to have been set off last night by the sight of skinny hairy dark-skinned legs poking out of a hospital gown while the owner of said legs suffered pain that I could do nothing to fix. I tried to not let it bother me, but by the end of the night I was stretched to my limits & even though Andrew was feeling much better (thanks to IV Dilaudid & Toradol) by the time we left, I was beyond stressed.

Right now stress does funny things to me. For one it makes me much more emotional than ever before. I don't know if its b/c I've been exposed to so much lately that its made me more sensitive instead of desensitizing me. Or if its because I've been told so often that its ok to be emotional and to be sure to share it with those that love me. Anyway, since I had to be strong while we were at the hospital & on the drive to & from, I internalized it all like usual... My breathing gets really shallow, my chest tightens, my shoulders round, my jaws clamp, and I slump forward. The problem with that right now is that these rocks on my chest don't like chest tightening - they take up too much space and aren't flexible enough, plus there's still some healing going on in there from the vigorous scraping they did during surgery. These rocks also don't like when I round my shoulders &/or slump forward. Again, its a space and flexibility issue as well as tenderness from a still healing chest wall.

I kept having to tell myself to take deep breaths, sit up straight, and keep my jaws relaxed. Andrew noticed & kept asking me what was wrong. While we were in the hospital or in-route (to or from the hospital), I couldn't risk telling him - he needed me to be strong since he was concerned it could be more serious than simple kidney stones. So I used the standard "nothing" answer.

Once we got home he cornered me (he was feeling no pain thanks to wonderful IV pain meds) and asked me what was wrong. Even though sometimes I suspect it hurts him for me to mention my late fiancé (for several reasons, he's said its hard/impossible to compete w/ a dead man, he knows there's nothing he can do to erase the pain for me, and he's reminded that we could have never been thrust together), I told him how hard it is for me to be the only one there when there's a serious issue b/c it reminds me of my past. That past to me feels like a failure even though I know there's nothing I could have done to combat my late fiancé's melanoma in his brain. Its irrational, but emotions generally are irrational. Being the sensitive guy that he is (those of you that've met him probably don't see this aspect of him, but its true for me & the kids) he reassured me that he was ok and would be ok. We 'made-up' as it were by talking a little bit and hugging/holding a lot.

That hugging/holding got my right tissue angry... As I said yesterday the scab is formed upside down right now, so it catches on everything. I thought I'd designed a really good form of padding for it to let it air-dry, yet not risk being caught on something & torn off. However, the down-side is that I can't feel my entire breast - much less this tissue. So in my insecurity as we slept holding one another, I apparently put too much pressure on it. When I woke up there was a pretty deep depression all around the troubled tissue and the gauze that wasn't supposed to touch it was stuck deep in it. It took most of the day - including a hot shower (to get all the fibers out), some air-drying as well as blow-drying - before the tissue appeared normal again (ie, not depressed). However, one of the times I went to check it, as I pulled my shirt away some tissue on the bottom side pulled away and made it bleed. Bleeding is theoretically good b/c that clearly shows good circulation. However, bleeding is bad when you have a very sensitive 4 year old girl (Abby my niece) and 2 year old boy hovering around. So I found some 'non-stick' gauze & will be trying it now. I hope on Friday that Dr. W clips some of the loosened scab so there's less to catch on stuff. I'm going to point out that in my opinion the risk far outweighs the possible benefits of keeping the scab intact. Especially from where I'm sitting now!

Living life in a vacuum?

Simon's still coughing, but much improved. Rachel got her first rub-down w/ her new prescription cream, so we'll see about her in the morning. My much worried-about right tissue is doing ok, but still being difficult. Last night it was stuck to the gauze I use to protect it, so I had to shower to get it loose. Then I had to come up w/ some method of protecting it w/o actually having anything stick to it. Then the scab decided to form upside-down - curled out away from my body instead of towards/around my body. This makes it decidedly difficult to keep from accidentally pulling it off - something my plastic surgeon could lead to a hole all the way through to the implant. That would mean the implant would be contaminated & need to be removed... A *VERY* unhappy thought.

Well, today I decided that I'd do some much-needed cleaning on the house... Primarily that (to me) means cleaning the floors. That is something I HATE! I really really really really (you get the point) HATE to vacuum. I don't really know why, but its just the way I am. I told Andrew when we first got married that he would have to do all the vacuuming in the house b/c I HATE it. Well, his idea of vacuuming the house has led to him doing it maybe two or three times a YEAR in the 3 years we've been married. I may HATE to vacuum, but I hate having dirty floors (you know dirty enough that white socks soon become dingy brown/black just from walking on them & dog hair, dust bunnies, & God knows what else jumps on anything near the floor) more. So I've started trying to do more vacuuming. I've been putting it off since my surgery & trying to drop hints to Andrew that it needs to be done to no avail... So today, my limit was reached & I drug the good ole Eureka (bought the end of last year) out of the closet.

Well, it all started well & good. Pushing & pulling the vacuum wasn't too challenging for my chest muscles. I thought it may even qualify as exercising them. We don't have a whole lot of carpet (just our living room 28' x 16'), so I considered it slight. Rachel was happily swinging in her swing after her 10 am bottle. She even didn't mind me bumping the base of the swing w/ the vacuum. Then I got to noticing that even though I kept going over the same spots (I'm a checker-board kind of vacuuming person - I go one direction in a section, then I rotate 90 degrees & do it again), visible dirt (yep - it *was* that bad) was just kind of moving. The visible dirt cup also didn't seem to be filling. About 3/4 of the way through I pulled the hose to suck up some stuff under the couch. That's when I noticed that the suction was *really* poor. So I pull off the dust cup & check the neck where the hose meets the body/dust cup of the vacuum. No clog visible, just some icicles from the Christmas tree (yep - that's probably the last time we vacuumed - after Christmas).

However, I *knew* my vacuum had better suction than that. So out comes the handy screw-driver. Yep, I have to use a screw driver to take the hose completely off the vacuum. However, there is apparently (to my knowledge) a good way to get the hard plastic elbow-neck off the flexible hose in order to clean it out. So on the free end I took my broom handle & shoved it up as far as it would reach. I got some stuff out. I figured, hey, I'll use gravity & centripetal force to get some of this crap out too. So I started beating & banging both ends of the hose outside on the railing of my porch. Stuff came flying out & I should have probably had a dust mask on b/c of all the dust (& God knows what else that lives in that kind of environment) flying around.

I noticed that even though most of the resistance was gone when I used the broom handle, there was still some at what seemed like the very end of the broom handle's reach. That's when I discovered there's no good way to take that hard plastic elbow-neck off the hose. So handy little me, I decide to go get my drain de-clogger stick-thingy. I shove it into the elbow-neck and meet considerable resistance. The end of the stick-thingy just wasn't big enough to pull the stuff out though. So I started beating & banging again hoping for physics to work for me instead of against me. Well, more came out, but not the main clog it seemed. So I again went to work w/ the stick-thingy. I probably jammed that thing in there for 15 minutes trying to break up whatever clog was in there.

So after a good jamming, I take the hose back outside (Rachel has been watching her crazy mom avidly this whole time) and again beat, bang, & swing it trying to dislodge whatever is in there. At this point, I'm kind of expecting a small (large?) animal to come out and fuss at me for disturbing its hibernation. I was half-right... What came out was this nasty, but huge if you count all the pieces, hair-ball with enough dust, crumbs, and what-shall-not-be-thought-of to stuff a throw pillow (if you were of a mind to have all those allergens in a pillow). I didn't try, but I'm pretty sure I cleaned it all out. So at this point, what should have been a 30 minute tops chore has taken me at least an hour & a half & I'm still not done! No wonder I hate vacuuming! I finally finish, but again, it just doesn't seem up to full strength... Geez...

This time I figure since I've cleaned out the hose its time for the dust-cup & the filter to be cleaned. I learned that the filter does indeed come off the housing of the dust-cup. I also learned that some of the nasty dust (and other things) actually form a cake-like/dried-mud-like substance that gets between the fins of the filter. Using time-honored tradition of women everywhere - I again used my porch railing to beat the dirt out of the filter. The dust-cup, thank God, is actually easy to empty, so it was done quickly in the beginning.

Had I really been interested in true cleanliness I would have started all over. However, I apparently don't care *that* much and I do HATE vacuuming *that* much... So while the floor is better than it was, I don't think I'd say its actually clean... Of course, w/ all that beating, banging, swinging, pushing, pulling, twisting, etc my foobs, arms, chest, & head were hurting. I'm just now starting to notice that my eyes are quite itchy as well... I'm also just now starting to realize just how sore my foobs are - quite a bit more than they were earlier today. :-( Oh well, all in the name of cleanliness! After all, cleanliness is next to Godliness the old saying goes.

On the mend, but another one bites the dust?

Rachel's having some problems. She's been diagnosed w/ eczema for her scalp at her 1 month or maybe it was her 2 month appointment. However, she is now covered on probably 70-75% of her body with a rash. She's not been on any antibiotics and I'm using All Free & Clear plus vinegar rinse water (no fabric softener). She is actually coordinated enough to scratch herself - especially her exposed head. She dug in one night & now looks like someone took a miniature rake to her head. I've got her in mittens, but she's already (after one night) figured out how to take them off pretty quickly. The pediatrician's office called in a prescription steroid cream for her, but we can't pick it up until tomorrow. Plus, it kind of worries me b/c the nurse was *really* serious when she said Rachel could only have it on her body twice a day for a week out of a month and on her face only once. Its not a strong percentage of steroid, but I guess w/ her small body size & such there are lots of risks.

Of course, me w/ my mommy guilt and what my co-workers call my need to confess, I'm paranoid that somehow her skin problem was caused by my chemo. I know its almost been 4 months (will be on Friday), but some of these chemo drugs are supposed to stay in your system for a *really* long time! I mean, they've told me (actually scared me & Andrew to death) that I can't/shouldn't get pregnant for the next 2 years b/c of the high risk of me bleeding out, miscarriage (I already have a 4 out of 6 track record on that), and/or serious birth defects. They also all laugh and dismiss me b/c Andrew & I don't practice barrier or chemical birth control. We use the Creighton Model of Natural Family Planning (CrMS).

Now, before you too scoff at this idea, let me explain something to you... The statistics that you know (and everyone loves to bandy about) for barrier and/or chemical birth control methods are for "perfect" use. I don't know about you, but I'm certainly not perfect. However, w/ CrMS the practical use statistic is above 80%. The practical use of the pill is around 70% I think... Condoms are *way* worse - something like 40% or less. Here's a random website I found that gives some of the success/failure rates. Of course, this site (and most like it) neglects to mention the unintended chemical abortions that occur w/ IUDs and hormone birth control. Not to mention the effects of these non-natural methods of birth control on the environment, women's health, men's health, etc. Afterall, where do those condom's go? Where do the hormones the woman's body doesn't use go? (The answer to this one is into the toilet, through the sewage system that does *not* typically try to remove hormones, and back into your drinking water, etc.) What havoc can these hormones cause women while they're initially ingesting them? What happens when unsuspecting men & women (infants, toddlers, children, teens, etc) drink contaminated water, etc? My method (and I'd say any method) of NFP does NONE of that. Instead it uses our bodies in the way they were designed! Yes, it can be difficult to abstain, but people abstain all the time in the name of losing weight, saving up for a big purchase, etc. Why can't we control our sexual appetites - and have it be considered normal - in the same ways? Children are a blessing - not a curse. When I see a woman with multiple children (ie more than 2) I'm especially pleased because children are our future and blessings in our lives no matter how difficult it seems.

Sorry - I didn't really mean to go on such a tangent, but I'm *REALLY* tired of hearing doctors and other women scoff at *my choice* of birth control when they don't know the facts themselves. Of course, this could lead me to another tangent - "a woman's choice" - but I'll try to save you that! ;-) I have a degree in Molecular Biology. I *love* to do research online for articles about things like this. I *love* to investigate things that are important to me. My health is *very* important to me - otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here w/ these rocks on my chest instead of real breasts taking medications that I hate. I feel that people generally would much rather take the easy path & either ridicule those of us that use NFP (whatever method) or simply ignore the fact that NFP even exists.

Of course, I'm also blaming Rachel's skin problems partially on the fact that she's a formula baby & not a breast-fed one. Simon was *really* healthy & any time he got clogged up or had a slight rash I'd administer some breast-milk appropriately (but not by mouth if you get my meaning). It would clear up very quickly. So poor little Rachel has at least 2 things going against her.