Three Long Years Ago...

What a difference three years makes. This time three years ago I was bald, pregnant, and living with breast cancer treatments. For Halloween, I painted my 8-month belly as a turkey in honor of the due date of my baby girl. That year's Thanksgiving was especially well observed by my family and friends as we welcomed my baby girl, celebrated her daddy's birthday, were amazed at our survival of a breast cancer diagnosis at 20 weeks pregnant, as well as enjoyed usual Thanksgiving traditions.

Two years ago, I was recovering from an emergency hysterectomy precipitated by an abscess formed during my oophorectomy a month prior. The oophorectomy was a preemptive move to avoid ovarian cancer that so often goes along with BRCA1 breast cancer genes. I also had the honor of being blessed with the gift of the Right to Life of Owensboro's Life Award for my pro-life and pro-woman journey through breast cancer while pregnant. My children were well on their way to charming anyone within distance of the two year old boy and almost one year old girl.

One year ago, I was in a hospital in Houston, TX recovering from my third reconstructive surgery. This third surgery was one of my last steps to completely overcome the obstacle of my journey with breast cancer. I had my modified radical mastectomy when my daughter was about three months old. However, the second surgery, replacement of the expander implants with regular implants, had the unforeseen consequence of causing further pain. In an effort to recover from the pain, I chose to have the implants completely removed and use my own abdominal fat tissue to reconstruct my breasts. The surgery was long, difficult, and painful, but resolved some of the pain issues. Shortly before this surgery, I was again honored. This time the honor came from the Kentucky Cancer Program. Rachel and I were selected to be representatives of the Faces of Cancer photography series.

Five months ago, I had my last surgery (I hope and pray) connected to my breast cancer diagnosis. This last surgery gave (Dr) Adams (back) my first rib. Again, this surgery was a last-ditch effort to resolve the pain that hadn't loosened its grip on me since my mastectomy.  I had finally been diagnosed with something "treatable" instead of chronic idiopathic pain. Although Thoracic Outlet Syndrome isn't truly "curable" it is treatable with surgery, physical therapy, and time.

Just this past week, I had my four month check-up with my oncologist. He gave me an all-clear for another four months. Although no one really thinks I'll be diagnosed with cancer again, these appointments make me very nervous. That same day I also took the opportunity to peek through an open window as the door closes on another aspect of my life. 

In less than a month, my miracle baby will turn three. Time really does fly when you're having fun. Both of my children give me such joy and are so much fun that time with them seems truly fleeting. As my children blur in photographs, so too do the misfortunes that have faced me, my family, and my friends these past three years.

Since my diagnosis that fateful July day, I have tried to live my life as if each day is my last. I praise God for all the wonderful people He surrounded me with through this difficult time. He also gets many thanks for the blessings of my two very healthy (some might even say robust) children. My husband and I know that we are triply blessed to have three sets of very active grandparents to help us care for our babies. We also offer thanks for our joining our lives as one. Above all, each and every day is an opportunity to praise God for the most important gift of all: LIFE!

Great & busy weekend!

This weekend was a flurry of activity. The weekend started quite early for me since as a state worker I was furloughed (forced no-pay day off) on Friday, but since Friday's are my normal day's off (4-10s), Thursday was my substitute day.

Thursday mom, Rachel, & I went to the bra store. We went to Perfect Fit first, but the nice lady (owner) told us to go somewhere else because she was closing soon. The lady didn't want me (us) to get started with one person, then have to switch. The place she sent us was ok, but I wasn't terribly impressed. I was also quite disappointed because they didn't have any bras in my size. I understand that I'm an odd size, but since it was a bra store, I was hoping to go home with one that fit. On a whim I call the first lady back to ask if she had my size. She said she did, so I went back to her. She personally fit me with 2 separate bras that immediately lifted a weight off my shoulders (literally) and made my chest feel (and look) better. It was also Rachel's 18 month birthday! :-) 

Friday  Andrew, the kids, & I went to Lowe's and Kroger. Let me repeat that, all four of us - including an 18 month old & a 3 year old - went to Lowe's and Kroger. Can you say workout! ;-)Once we got home dad brought a skid-steer (the actual name for the things called "Bobcats" - smallish front-end loaders) to our house. Andrew & Simon got to unload it & drive it around a bit.

Saturday, Andrew & Simon worked with the skid-steer for dad for most of the morning. My mother-in-law also had a get-together at her house. She was going to have her pool put in, but it was so muddy that she decided we'd just have food & hang out. She & I got the kids an inflatable pool - that was a BIG hit with the kids!

Sunday my brother & his family had a get-together at their house in Waverly. We decided to go to Mass in Morganfield about an hour away, but an hour & 1/2 later than our usual Mass. We were about 10 minutes (or less) from the church when I hear Rachel cry, up-chuck, & cry. The wonderful aroma of the car (it was already about 85 degrees outside) was not pleasant. I called mom to have her help me with the kids before Mass. Luckily I planned ahead & brought clothes for everyone to change into. Rachel's change of clothes wasn't as cute as the original dress, but it was adorable none-the-less. Once we got to my brother's new house I had to take the carseat completely apart. The washable/removable portions went into the washer while the rest was hosed off in the backyard. The best part though was that Rachel was fine the rest of the day - must have been a bad banana or something on the ride to Morganfield. The kids played around. Simon got to drive a 'princess' motorized car, ride a pink bike (complete with pink helmet), & play on the wooden play-set. Rachel rode in the 'princess' motorized car, got run-over by aforementioned car, & played on the smaller plastic playset. The ride home was *much* less eventful than the ride there! :-P

Monday (today) my father-in-law had a get-together at his house. We ate steaks & other yummy foods. The adults talked. Simon got to ride on his motorized John Deere tractor complete with wagon. Rachel rode in the wagon behind him for a little. She had to quit riding when Simon turned too sharply and dumped her out! Then we came home & I let the kids play in the sprinkler. It was so hot that otherwise they were going to have to stay inside. My plants needed water anyway! Rachel LOVED it! Simon thought it was pretty awesome too!

 

The only bad note was late this afternoon. Someone (1st) called me asking for computer help (or so I thought). Before hanging up, I found out that the computer help I was giving was actually to 'spy' on me. The 1st someone told me in a hurt-tone-of-voice that someone else told them I was bad-mouthing them on FB. The 1st someone wouldn't tell me who said it or what it was. I immediately got that sick-to-my stomach-feeling that comes from being accused - even if innocent. I said I couldn't think of anything I'd said that was bad-mouthing. The 1st someone said they'd see for themselves in that same hurt tone. If I were a stronger person I'd have been confident that I'd done no wrong & not let it bother me. However, instead I'm a weak person that ponders, obsesses, and worries when someone tells me something like this. So later I called to tell that person that I was hurt & upset that they'd think that of me. Later Andrew spoke to that 1st someone. They still won't give us the name of who said these hurtful things. However, the bad-mouthing posts have kind of been elucidated. As I read them - even trying to do so from the other person's perspective - I cannot find anything 'bad-mouthing' about them. Yet, I still cannot let it go because I have pretty constant contact with that 1st someone. I cannot stand that anyone thinks I would maliciously malign them in a public forum like FB. Especially since I'm 'friends' with LOTS of people that are also friends with the 1st someone. I guess that's how I got into this tangled web to begin with - one of these 'friends' of mine/friends of the 1st someone went back several months at minimum to find something slightly negative (about a product given to us by the 1st someone - not about the person) to feed the 1st someone. At least that's the post that the 1st someone mentioned to Andrew.

I'm having a prolonged panic attack about this issue now. I just can't let it go like I know I should. I keep looking for something offensive about this person on FB or even here on my blog, but I CANNOT find anything. Its like a hidden-object game where the hidden object is described as circular in a field of marbles. Its driving me crazy. I want to cry - I NEVER want to cry. I actually feel like someone punched me in the chest. I keep telling myself to be confident that I'm NOT that type of person (to malign someone in a public forum - especially this 1st someone). I just find that I can't take my own advice. :-(

Catching up...

I've been neglecting my blog again. Sorry. Things are still pretty much the same.

Rachel's not crawling yet. She pushes herself backwards with her hands & can sometimes convince her fat little legs (I mean little as in their not very long, not that they don't have extreme girth) to lift her fat little butt (again little is that she's 7 months old, not that its not extremely well-padded) to take a small crawl-step forward. However, these crawl steps are few & far-between! She basically likes to pull her feet up and wave her hands around while she rocks back & forth on her belly like an odd-looking rocking horse! Mom says I used to do the same thing.

Simon is still not potty trained. He has had 5 total successes & I can't even begin to enumerate how many failures. We've tried bribing him (toys, food, etc), giving him targets, telling him we'll be happy if he does it right, sitting him on the potty for hours, having him run around naked, doling out gentle discipline for peeing (or #2) on the floor, etc. He has shown that he knows what to do, he just doesn't want to do it. He can also hold it for tremendously long because as soon as we put a diaper on him its fairly bursting w/ pee (&/or #2) within 5 minutes. At this point we're doing all of the above simultaneously in the hopes that its going to click one of these days. Last night after he had 2 'accidents' at mom's house I brought him home to sit on the potty for a while. He did what he was supposed to FINALLY!!! Even though he'd already made a puddle at mom's he filled the potty pretty well! He got a potty dance from me, a "good job" & "I'm proud of you" from Andrew & me, & two toy trucks (a monster/hot rod John Deere tractor & hot rod fire truck). I kept praising him right up until he went to bed.

I sold Febe on Saturday. She's now in her new home in Northern/central Indiana. The family that came out to buy her was really sweet. She's going to be the foundation for their Equine Ministry. They have a daughter of about 8 or 9 that has Down's Syndrome. One of their son's is about 15. The son is the one that's going to work with her primarily until she settles into their routine. However, they hope to use her for their daughter as well as other children in need. They're also going to breed her if/when they find a stallion. Its weird to be horseless again for the 2nd time in a year. However, I know she went to a good place & that it'll work out best for me/us to not have a horse to worry about right now. In the next year or 2 I hope to get to a place again where I can have a horse & actually use it.

Andrew has been feeling kind of bad lately. He went to the doctor & they can't find anything wrong with him. The doctor said he was probably just extraordinarily stressed from everything that's going on in our lives. Andrew's not one to relish being idle, but since he closed his business, he's not had a 'purpose' for his days. I'm not home enough to help him out of the doldrums. So he's struggling a bit. However, I think he feels a bit better knowing that there's nothing seriously wrong with him.

I'm still waiting for my meeting with my local ob/gyn. I've had several people put the bug in my ear that I should still have my hysterectomy done in Houston. Most people's opinion is based on the fact that I *could* have cancer & if that is the case, they want to be sure I have someone familiar with cancer doing the surgery in case there's something different that needs to be done. I'm still leaning towards having it done here though. The chances of me having ovarian cancer are fairly slim (less than 5% I think) due to my age. However, I think the chances of having a more complicated surgery (open abdominal surgery instead of laproscopic) is probably greater than the cancer risk. If I do have to have the open abdominal surgery I'd rather be close to home for my recovery. I don't relish a 900 mile journey home with a big incision in my belly. I'm confident that Dr. B can do a good job. I'm still open-minded though (or at least I'm trying to be). I'm waiting on a reply from Dr. K from Houston on her opinion. Plus I'm going to ask Dr. B what her opinion is on Wednesday. All I know is I want it done ASAP!!

Great day!

Today was a great day to be alive! The sun was shining, the temperature was warm, but with a nice breeze, and the kids were happy. The only thing is that Febe got out TWICE and ran from me TWICE! We think we've figured out where she's getting out, so hopefully tomorrow we'll be able to fix it. Otherwise, the kids & I played outside all day. Andrew played on his tractor all day - mowing Rowan & Laura's fields, Febe's field, our yard, etc. Simon got a 'man' haircut today & looks SO CUTE!!! He didn't like it much, but it was worth it! Abby, Sarah, Laura & Lukas came over this afternoon to pick cherries off my cherry tree. We're not sure what Laura's going to be able to make with them (there aren't very many), but she's going to try for something.

Some weirdness did happen today though. In the mail I got a notice that my Louisville plastic surgeon's office scheduled me for surgery without calling to ask me for a good date/time. Apparently, they think 2 days b/4 my birthday would be a great time to have surgery. Hate to break it to them, but I think that would make my birthday SUCK! I'm kind of weirded out that they would schedule my surgery and inform me of it via mail when we never really talked about when I'd like to have it. I just got a notice about the surgery & some pre-op blood-work orders without a phone call or discussion with the doctor.