Three Long Years Ago...

What a difference three years makes. This time three years ago I was bald, pregnant, and living with breast cancer treatments. For Halloween, I painted my 8-month belly as a turkey in honor of the due date of my baby girl. That year's Thanksgiving was especially well observed by my family and friends as we welcomed my baby girl, celebrated her daddy's birthday, were amazed at our survival of a breast cancer diagnosis at 20 weeks pregnant, as well as enjoyed usual Thanksgiving traditions.

Two years ago, I was recovering from an emergency hysterectomy precipitated by an abscess formed during my oophorectomy a month prior. The oophorectomy was a preemptive move to avoid ovarian cancer that so often goes along with BRCA1 breast cancer genes. I also had the honor of being blessed with the gift of the Right to Life of Owensboro's Life Award for my pro-life and pro-woman journey through breast cancer while pregnant. My children were well on their way to charming anyone within distance of the two year old boy and almost one year old girl.

One year ago, I was in a hospital in Houston, TX recovering from my third reconstructive surgery. This third surgery was one of my last steps to completely overcome the obstacle of my journey with breast cancer. I had my modified radical mastectomy when my daughter was about three months old. However, the second surgery, replacement of the expander implants with regular implants, had the unforeseen consequence of causing further pain. In an effort to recover from the pain, I chose to have the implants completely removed and use my own abdominal fat tissue to reconstruct my breasts. The surgery was long, difficult, and painful, but resolved some of the pain issues. Shortly before this surgery, I was again honored. This time the honor came from the Kentucky Cancer Program. Rachel and I were selected to be representatives of the Faces of Cancer photography series.

Five months ago, I had my last surgery (I hope and pray) connected to my breast cancer diagnosis. This last surgery gave (Dr) Adams (back) my first rib. Again, this surgery was a last-ditch effort to resolve the pain that hadn't loosened its grip on me since my mastectomy.  I had finally been diagnosed with something "treatable" instead of chronic idiopathic pain. Although Thoracic Outlet Syndrome isn't truly "curable" it is treatable with surgery, physical therapy, and time.

Just this past week, I had my four month check-up with my oncologist. He gave me an all-clear for another four months. Although no one really thinks I'll be diagnosed with cancer again, these appointments make me very nervous. That same day I also took the opportunity to peek through an open window as the door closes on another aspect of my life. 

In less than a month, my miracle baby will turn three. Time really does fly when you're having fun. Both of my children give me such joy and are so much fun that time with them seems truly fleeting. As my children blur in photographs, so too do the misfortunes that have faced me, my family, and my friends these past three years.

Since my diagnosis that fateful July day, I have tried to live my life as if each day is my last. I praise God for all the wonderful people He surrounded me with through this difficult time. He also gets many thanks for the blessings of my two very healthy (some might even say robust) children. My husband and I know that we are triply blessed to have three sets of very active grandparents to help us care for our babies. We also offer thanks for our joining our lives as one. Above all, each and every day is an opportunity to praise God for the most important gift of all: LIFE!

Wholly concerned...

I've got several concerns at the moment. I'm trying to not freak out and think the worst, but sometimes its difficult.

1) My mom has been ill with what seems to be the flu for quite some time. She's home in bed instead of spending time (baby-sitting) my kids. I'm not complaining that she's taking time to heal - NOT AT ALL. Instead, I'm concerned for her because she's just been feeling so lousy. She also went with me to my doctors' appointments Monday & immediately started feeling worse. So I feel like part of her illness is my fault. Send up some thoughts & prayers for her if you would.

2a) This my selfish concern(s)... I spent a large portion of Sunday and most of Monday with my mom. I'm scheduled for my reconstruction surgery next Thursday (the 17th). I am absolutely terrified that I'm going to have to post-pone AGAIN. I took the day off of work yesterday because I wasn't feeling up to snuff. Today I had to come back even though I'm not really feeling any better because I don't want to use up all my time off (there's not much) before my surgery. I basically feel like I've been hit by a truck & my head took most of the impact. I'm also exhausted even though I slept for 14 hours night-before-last, took a nap yesterday afternoon (completely unlike me - especially since I was in the living room w/ 2 kids running around), and slept for a good 9 hours last night.

2b) As another side concern, I've been having some bruising lately that doesn't make sense to me. So yesterday as part of my pre-op I had my blood drawn. I have large veins & usually no one has any trouble finding them and getting plenty of blood from me. Not so yesterday. One nurse 'stabbed' me 3 times. She barely filled 2 tubes. One vein blew before she got anything out of it really. Then another nurse came and stuck me in the hand. She managed to get one more tube out of me, but it was a *slow* process that involved a lot of digging around and slow drip-drips of blood into the tube. Since I had some lymph nodes removed on my left side, I only have my right side to give blood. I'm afraid there's some blood problem with me... I'm going to blame any problems I have with my blood (and immunity) on after-effects of the chemo/cancer. That can also make me have to post-pone my surgery.

3) Simon is a wonderful child. He's very smart & I really don't think I'm just saying that because he's mine. However, lately he's been throwing tantrums with frightening regularity. Sometimes the tantrum starts simply because I tell him to pick up a toy or something. Other times its over bigger issues like finishing his food or going to bed. Regardless of the cause, he goes into a crying, screaming, flinging, kicking, and completely unreasonable tantrum at the drop of a hat. His cries mixed with his screaming really hurt my ears - it's that high-pitched wail w/ his mouth wide open. When he flings himself to the ground (&/or does the limp noodle) it hurts to try to pick him back up & make him do what he's supposed to do. Since the tantrums last for an extended period of time, I get terribly frustrated with him. I don't ever want to punish him while I'm actively frustrated. However, I don't get the luxury of walking away because it seems like he chooses to have these tantrums when Rachel is asleep (right next door to his bedroom) or some other wholly inappropriate time (like the middle of Mass). I also have to contend with Andrew... His anxiety levels ratchet up very quickly when he perceives one of the children in distress. When his anxiety levels sky-rocket his first instinct is to give into the child's desires instead of ignoring the child & helping me stay strong. Simon is also frustrating me to no end because he will not attempt to potty train. He'll be 3 on Valentine's day & he's still not even vaguely potty training...

4) Rachel is another wonderful child. She's very smart too (same as with Simon - I don't think I'm just saying that because she's mine). However, her intelligence is already causing her to be a bit of a handful. She already knows how to play the game of snatching & running away. She knows she's not supposed to do something (like smack at the computer), but she does it anyway. Then I (or whoever) tell her "no". She looks at me (or whoever) and does it again. Then she gets her hand tapped. She jerks back quickly, but immediately darts back into whatever she wasn't supposed to do.I can even remove her from the vicinity of her 'temptation' and she'll make a direct bee-line for the no-no object/action again. This process can go on & on for what seems like hours.

I know I have been amply blessed by God with my family. I know that it is all in God's hands. I keep repeating "Jesus I trust in You" to myself. Hopefully, eventually, I'll believe it. :-)

Surgery date...

I get to have my surgery August 31st as long as my blood levels cooperate. I'm having the combined reconstruction with hysterectomy surgery done in Houston. You can be that I'll have my blood checked before I leave KY!!!

Funny Simon story... I've posted before that he has commented on my 'balloons' (expanders look like coconuts strapped under my skin). Well, he noticed them the other night & asked what happened to my 'other' ones. I told him the doctors had to cut them off. He immediately said back to me, "They got caught in the cactuses!" Now if you've ever heard him say 'cactuses' you'd know one reason this is so funny to me... He has a way of stressing the 1st syllable and drawing the word out much longer than it is. Its actually very funny to hear. Only a 2 year old! ;-)

Poor Rachel got bit on the hand by some bug (not a brown recluse spider) and had an allergic reaction to it. Her little hand swelled all up like a lobster claw. She went to the doctor yesterday for it & was pronounced fine. She was also weighed... She's 21.5 lbs!! She's a BIG girl! :-) She's also starting to crawl. Its so cute b/c she rolls from side to side. Its hilarious to watch!