Its not a good thing for me to be thinking like I have been. I've been pondering my looming surgery. I'm afraid plain & simple. Not of the surgery itself, but of the consequences of it. Am I really going to be a woman afterwards? I don't have real breasts, I won't have ovaries, tubes, and possibly a uterus. I will no longer be able to be open to creating life w/ Andrew. Deep down I know I will still be who I am and a woman. However, its really quite frightening to be not quite 30 and be sterile for the REST OF MY LIFE.
Of course, the key here is LIFE. If I don't have the surgery I'm putting my life at risk. Everyone I've spoken to has said it sounds like I'm making an informed decision medically, morally, and personally. However, there are still doubts and fears that seem to want to overwhelm me sometimes. Medically speaking about 3% of women get breast cancer before they're 35. Correspondingly, about 5% of women get ovarian cancer before they're 35. However, since I'm already in that loser's bracket of the under 35 crowd for breast cancer, I think the risk of me getting ovarian cancer is too much.
I want to live to see my kids grow up. I want to watch Andrew get old & know that he'll always be 9 months older than me! ;-) I want to be there to help take care of my parents when/if they need it. I want to LIVE. I don't want to live in fear & if I don't have the surgery I'm afraid that's what'll happen. So while I know in my mind & heart this surgery is the answer to my worries, it is still frightening. So please, keep me in your prayers. I appreciate it.
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My Chemo-Jane hair-style
I just had to have my mom buzz my hair because it was falling out so badly.
Pre-op wearing my hand-crocheted cap with my prayer shawl.
My loving husband is watching me distract myself with a game on his iPhone.
2 days after my BMX w/ 100ccs in the TEs
I even have a fashionable belt to hold up my drains.
3 weeks post-op w/ 400ccs in each TE
The smile is fake because the TEs were irritating!
I can't imagine what you going through..But I see a very strong woman and mother in you, your family is very lucky to have you. Don't give up, Don't ever tell youself you can't win this batter. God can do anything if you have faith, and be strong. ((((hugs)))
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