Friday, July 23, 2010
Realizations & Rationalizations...
I've come to some realizations this week.
1) Even though I've actually had a hair-style similar to the one I have now, its not the same. I understand that its kind of cute & hip, but I didn't get to choose it. That's the big difference. I was basically forced to undergo this transformation from a woman w/ hair the length she wanted to a baldie and now to a pixie. So while I appreciate the comments about how cute it is, its just not the same as if I'd gone to a salon & chosen this style above all others. Its a constant reminder of the year I've spent fighting this beast. I am winning so I want all signs of my struggle gone from my sight (and other's sight).
2) Another part to the above that also includes my body and self-image is that its fairly easy for me at this point to forget my outward appearance. Sometimes I walk by a mirror and am shocked at my appearance. I can't recognize the face, body, and/or hair in the mirror as myself. In my mind I'm still the same girl/woman I was last year, the year before, etc. Yeah, I'm a year (or so) older, but I'm essentially me in my mind. When I glance in the mirror & see this alternate image of myself in the mirror its kind of shocking. If you've ever gotten a drastically different hair-style you may recognize the phenomenon. The same goes for my body as well. There are actually moments when the foobs don't hurt or bother me, so I can reasonable feel like I'm a whole person. Then I happen to look in the mirror or catch a glimpse of the hollows in my chest above my expanders. Then the memories flood back and the immediate awareness that I'll never be the same again hits me. Even if I look outwardly to the world the same as I did before this experience, I'm constantly reminded of the changes I've undergone just to live.
These realizations may not seem like momentous ones to you. However, to me they are the ultimate. I'm sure as I age I'll come to similar revelations, but hopefully they won't be so sudden and drastic as these. Afterall, I'm a 29 year old woman w/ 2 children. I know I'm going to age & change in appearance - sometimes for the worse. However, through it all there will be remembrances of who I was before all this happened.
I'm also dealing with rationalizations. I have the opportunity to choose to have my surgery here in town by my own Dr. B who delivered both of my children & has seen me through 4 miscarriages & this past year of cancer woes. My other option is to have my surgeries (both the hysterectomy & implant exchange) in Houston by doctors who specialize in cancer treatments/preventions. The vast majority of my family seems to think that I should still go to Houston. However, Andrew & I are lured here to town by the ease it will have over going to Houston again so soon. For both options I have to wait for my blood counts to rise (I still don't know what they are). I have until August 3rd to decide I guess. Hmmm...