Disheartened...

I am theoretically physically healing. Its just taking a LONG time. Mentally I'm not sure I'm healing at all. I think this last round has kicked my butt beyond what I can deal with - even with the wonderful support I have from family, friends, & internet buddies. Its hard to describe what I feel right now. Words just aren't adequate. I feel defeated. I'm not hopeless - although hope is far from obvious. I'm not faithless - although my Faith is being severely tested. I'm not despairing - although I find little joy in anything. I'm mostly just tired. I do feel a bit worthless, inadequate, and troublesome.

I worry about my interaction with everyone because I don't want to bring anyone else down. Sometimes that's an arrogance that I know I should avoid - afterall the world doesn't revolve around me. However, I do know how one person's attitude can affect & infect someone else. I don't want to be that one Debbie-downer in a crowd of people who have their own struggles to overcome. In these times we ALL have troubles. At this moment I just feel that mine are insurmountable as things stand now.

I'm working with Dr. B on trying to get medication that will help my hot flashes and maybe my depression. Once that gets in my system at the proper dose, maybe I'll be able to look at my struggles and see the way out. I'm also exploring other avenues that I typically would avoid like the plague - therapy, massage, anti-depressants, etc.

One unconventional thing I plan to look for later this week is a horse. I don't need to buy one or anything. I just need to smell that wonderful horsey comforting smell and feel the hair, muscles, and acceptance a horse can give. I've tried bonding with my dogs, but they're Beagles & would rather hunt than bond. I've tried bonding with the cats, but they're cats & pretty aloof. I need a horse because that has ALWAYS been my go-to comfort.

Just to re-assure any of you out there wondering: my cancer is gone. That's not what has me so melancholy. I'm still dealing with some of the physical limitations, pains, and quirks of this new body I've been given. I don't have intense pain all the time, but its enough pain to disrupt my day between the foob discomfort, scar discomfort, and some internal pangs. I have a hard time dealing with the continued problems with my body because I'm in a pessimistic mind-set. Every extra twinge or bruise/blood gets me worked in to a lather that something *else* is going wrong. Logically I know that recovery is a LONG SLOW process... However, it seems like I've been recovering FOREVER! I was expecting much more smooth sailing instead of this roller-coaster ride my recovery has been. I guess that's the problem with having high expectations. :-/