Home again!

We started home almost as soon as I was released from the hospital Saturday afternoon. We had to stop for the night about 5 hours away from home. Then we made it all the way home by 3 pm Sunday afternoon. It was a long hard trip that I'm still trying to recover from.

We spent the night by ourselves - sent the babies off to my mother-in-law's house. We slept in really late & then Andrew went to go get Simon. We played with him all day! Andrew's going to bring Rachel home tomorrow.

Brenda (my mother-in-law) called earlier to let us know that Rachel stood up on her own without holding onto anything else. Brenda said she turned away for a second & the next thing she knew Rachel was standing holding on to a toy! While we were gone she mastered some words - bye-bye with hand motions (means both the obvious as well as come get me I want to be with you), mama, nana, dada, and papa. Mom sent me a video of her doing it.

It makes me sad to miss some of these firsts of Rachel's. I feel like I've not bonded as well with her as I could have. Simon was so dependant and connected to me (quite literally a lot of the time) when he was this age. I still felt kind of left out sometimes because Andrew has always had quite a way with him. However, at least I knew I was providing him w/ something vital that linked us all the time.

Poor Rachel has been continually separated from me it seems. First it was chemo separation. I was with her, but not really b/c I was somewhat miserable from the chemo. Then I had my 1st surgery, so I was unable to hold her for 2 weeks. Then even after I healed from that surgery, I've had some issues with not being able to hold her close b/c of my expanders and pain. Then we kind of settled in with each other. However, now we've been separated for a long time again & I won't be able to hold her for at least 2 weeks again. In a few weeks (3-4 maybe) I plan on trying to have my 2nd stage of my reconstruction done. So that'll be *another* separation.

However, I still feel like she's more bonded with others than she is with me. Maybe part of it is because I don't have that same closeness of nursing her. Another part of it is that I feel like I've just been so worried about myself that I've not been able to be as single-minded with her. I don't feel like she's been neglected or anything. Its just that I have uber Mommy guilt I guess.

This sucks...

If there's a list of what can go wrong during an ooph I probably hit all the top ones. I had my surgery Aug 31st. Supposed to be laproscopic & implant exchange. Ended up being a laparotomy without exchange. I lost almost 2 liters of blood during surgery. I had adhesions from endometriosis all over. She left my uterus. I've had transfusions & now have illeus (my bowel's asleep). I'm still in the hospital & I'm absolutely miserable. I still have my horribly ugly expanders. I'm pissy & sore.I'm 900 miles away from my home & kids. Farting is my biggest accomplishment for the day. It just sucks.

Houston we have a problem...

Well, I did get to have my surgery, but only part of it. I was scheduled for both my ovaries to be removed as well as for my 2nd step of reconstruction. The ovary removal was 1st. We never got past that part. Apparently my endometriosis has been really busy since I had Rachel. Dr. K got into my abdomen and found all kinds of adhesions. My ureter (tube that connects your bladder to your wee-wee) was attached to my ovary, and other things we attached to each other. Technically, nothing was supposed to be connected to anything else. Dr. K got my right ovary out, but I kept bleeding. I lost over a liter of blood & have had to have a transfusion. A simple 2 hour surgery (the ovary part) turned into a LONG time. I think all told, from when I got here yesterday until they found me a room was about 15 hours. With all these complications, my 2nd step of reconstruction couldn't be done. The risks were just too high. Instead of being in the hospital for one night, it's probably going to be 2-3 nights total. Instead of 3 weeks off of work for recovery, its going to be about 6 weeks. I'm pretty miserable. I'm glad to have at least this much done, but I'm just so exhausted. I'm on a morphine pump - I can give myself a dose every 6 minutes. I'm pretty much doing that. Please keep the prayers coming. I really appreciate it.