Drum-roll please... The results are...

My blood work came back decent. Not good, but not bad. The funny thing is that the standards MD Anderson has in place are actually lower than the ones my local Ob uses. My Absolute Neutrophil Count needed to be above 1.5 for MDA, but above 1.8 is where Dr. B wants it. I think it was 1.7. My total white blood cell count needed to be above 4 for MDA, but above 4.2 is where Dr. B wants it. Mine was 4.1 I think.

I've made the decision that as long as they can do both surgeries at the same time (replacing my expanders for real implants & hysterectomy) I'm doing it in Houston. If the scheduling &/or my blood levels aren't good enough for that I may split them up & do the hysterectomy part here & go down to Houston at a later date for my foobs. I think I can live with that.

However, right now I'm slowly getting more & more irked with MDA because I keep sending messages asking if I can still do both surgeries with my blood levels where they are & when I can do it. All I keep getting in return are messages saying my request/questions have been forwarded to the doctor in question. Its been a week since I started contacting them. I still haven't gotten the final word on whether Dr. K (in Houston) is actually happy w/ my blood levels. I just got the results over the phone (Thanks, Sarah!) & asked for them to be faxed to MDA. I didn't ask many questions except to know I barely scraped by... I know how conservative MDA is, so I'm not really getting my hopes up yet. Heck, at this point I'm not going to get my hopes up until they put the IV in my arm & give me that great stuff that 'relaxes' me right before surgery. I think I just need to carry around some of that stuff... You know, like how people w/ bad allergies carry around an epi-pen? I need a relaxi-pen! I get all worked up & then I can't eat or sleep.

Realizations & Rationalizations...

I've come to some realizations this week.

1) Even though I've actually had a hair-style similar to the one I have now, its not the same. I understand that its kind of cute & hip, but I didn't get to choose it. That's the big difference. I was basically forced to undergo this transformation from a woman w/ hair the length she wanted to a baldie and now to a pixie. So while I appreciate the comments about how cute it is, its just not the same as if I'd gone to a salon & chosen this style above all others. Its a constant reminder of the year I've spent fighting this beast. I am winning so I want all signs of my struggle gone from my sight (and other's sight).

2) Another part to the above that also includes my body and self-image is that its fairly easy for me at this point to forget my outward appearance. Sometimes I walk by a mirror and am shocked at my appearance. I can't recognize the face, body, and/or hair in the mirror as myself. In my mind I'm still the same girl/woman I was last year, the year before, etc. Yeah, I'm a year (or so) older, but I'm essentially me in my mind. When I glance in the mirror & see this alternate image of myself in the mirror its kind of shocking. If you've ever gotten a drastically different hair-style you may recognize the phenomenon. The same goes for my body as well. There are actually moments when the foobs don't hurt or bother me, so I can reasonable feel like I'm a whole person. Then I happen to look in the mirror or catch a glimpse of the hollows in my chest above my expanders. Then the memories flood back and the immediate awareness that I'll never be the same again hits me. Even if I look outwardly to the world the same as I did before this experience, I'm constantly reminded of the changes I've undergone just to live.

These realizations may not seem like momentous ones to you. However, to me they are the ultimate. I'm sure as I age I'll come to similar revelations, but hopefully they won't be so sudden and drastic as these. Afterall, I'm a 29 year old woman w/ 2 children. I know I'm going to age & change in appearance - sometimes for the worse. However, through it all there will be remembrances of who I was before all this happened.

I'm also dealing with rationalizations. I have the opportunity to choose to have my surgery here in town by my own Dr. B who delivered both of my children & has seen me through 4 miscarriages & this past year of cancer woes. My other option is to have my surgeries (both the hysterectomy & implant exchange) in Houston by doctors who specialize in cancer treatments/preventions. The vast majority of my family seems to think that I should still go to Houston. However, Andrew & I are lured here to town by the ease it will have over going to Houston again so soon. For both options I have to wait for my blood counts to rise (I still don't know what they are). I have until August 3rd to decide I guess. Hmmm...

Catching up...

I've been neglecting my blog again. Sorry. Things are still pretty much the same.

Rachel's not crawling yet. She pushes herself backwards with her hands & can sometimes convince her fat little legs (I mean little as in their not very long, not that they don't have extreme girth) to lift her fat little butt (again little is that she's 7 months old, not that its not extremely well-padded) to take a small crawl-step forward. However, these crawl steps are few & far-between! She basically likes to pull her feet up and wave her hands around while she rocks back & forth on her belly like an odd-looking rocking horse! Mom says I used to do the same thing.

Simon is still not potty trained. He has had 5 total successes & I can't even begin to enumerate how many failures. We've tried bribing him (toys, food, etc), giving him targets, telling him we'll be happy if he does it right, sitting him on the potty for hours, having him run around naked, doling out gentle discipline for peeing (or #2) on the floor, etc. He has shown that he knows what to do, he just doesn't want to do it. He can also hold it for tremendously long because as soon as we put a diaper on him its fairly bursting w/ pee (&/or #2) within 5 minutes. At this point we're doing all of the above simultaneously in the hopes that its going to click one of these days. Last night after he had 2 'accidents' at mom's house I brought him home to sit on the potty for a while. He did what he was supposed to FINALLY!!! Even though he'd already made a puddle at mom's he filled the potty pretty well! He got a potty dance from me, a "good job" & "I'm proud of you" from Andrew & me, & two toy trucks (a monster/hot rod John Deere tractor & hot rod fire truck). I kept praising him right up until he went to bed.

I sold Febe on Saturday. She's now in her new home in Northern/central Indiana. The family that came out to buy her was really sweet. She's going to be the foundation for their Equine Ministry. They have a daughter of about 8 or 9 that has Down's Syndrome. One of their son's is about 15. The son is the one that's going to work with her primarily until she settles into their routine. However, they hope to use her for their daughter as well as other children in need. They're also going to breed her if/when they find a stallion. Its weird to be horseless again for the 2nd time in a year. However, I know she went to a good place & that it'll work out best for me/us to not have a horse to worry about right now. In the next year or 2 I hope to get to a place again where I can have a horse & actually use it.

Andrew has been feeling kind of bad lately. He went to the doctor & they can't find anything wrong with him. The doctor said he was probably just extraordinarily stressed from everything that's going on in our lives. Andrew's not one to relish being idle, but since he closed his business, he's not had a 'purpose' for his days. I'm not home enough to help him out of the doldrums. So he's struggling a bit. However, I think he feels a bit better knowing that there's nothing seriously wrong with him.

I'm still waiting for my meeting with my local ob/gyn. I've had several people put the bug in my ear that I should still have my hysterectomy done in Houston. Most people's opinion is based on the fact that I *could* have cancer & if that is the case, they want to be sure I have someone familiar with cancer doing the surgery in case there's something different that needs to be done. I'm still leaning towards having it done here though. The chances of me having ovarian cancer are fairly slim (less than 5% I think) due to my age. However, I think the chances of having a more complicated surgery (open abdominal surgery instead of laproscopic) is probably greater than the cancer risk. If I do have to have the open abdominal surgery I'd rather be close to home for my recovery. I don't relish a 900 mile journey home with a big incision in my belly. I'm confident that Dr. B can do a good job. I'm still open-minded though (or at least I'm trying to be). I'm waiting on a reply from Dr. K from Houston on her opinion. Plus I'm going to ask Dr. B what her opinion is on Wednesday. All I know is I want it done ASAP!!