Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Random concerns...

Here's a list of things that keep going through my head. Some are terribly superficial & not at all typical of how I think of myself. Others are a bit TMI probably. Some are probably right on the money!
  1. Being ugly... I'm going to be 7, 8, 9 months pregnant & bald... Need I say more?
  2. Not being able to nurse Rachel or any future babies... I didn't nurse Simon b/c I wanted to be 'green' and/or b/c I was concerned w/ bonding. I did it for financial & practical reasons. I was actually *really* good at it. I was looking forward to the same benefits for my next child(ren). Now I know its *very* highly unlikely to ever happen again. I felt like a failure for some reason.
  3. Not feeling bonded/connected w/ Rachel... I'm afraid that all the chemo & surgery, etc will interfere with my bonding with Rachel. She's a whole new person that will have LOTS of needs, but I'll be having lots of needs too. I'm afraid one of us is going to suffer. Thankfully, I've got a great support system that will hopefully be able to beat me into submission & onto the right path.
  4. Not paying enough attention to Simon &/or Andrew... It takes so much energy & effort to be up-beat & positive right now I just don't feel like I have the energy to do as much for my boys as I should. Its bound to get worse instead of better to as I start treatments. I really don't want Simon to get left-behind b/c his mommy & little sister are sick & on the way respectively. He's such a sweet sensitive boy that I don't want to miss out on anything he does, feels, says, or is. Andrew is sweet (under that prickly exterior), sensitive (even tho he hides it), and concerned (another hidden aspect). Andrew also worries enough w/o crazy circumstances. Now he's got to worry about me not only being pregnant, but also having cancer & the associated treatments. I want both of them to know how much they mean to me at all times (even when I'm wrapped up in trying to stay upright).
  5. Taking care of myself... I've never been very good at being a good patient. I've always got to push the limits. I don't want to be pitied or helped more that absolutely necessary. However, what *I* think is necessary is often much less than what is *really* necessary. Again, at least I have a great support system to beat me into submission about this!
  6. Not being involved enough w/ family... Sounds kind of odd as a complaint for me, but right now everything in my life seems so self-centered. I want *everyone* in my family to know how much I appreciate their support through all that I'll be going through. I just don't know if I'll be able to express it to them or not.
  7. Being sick... I'm REALLY dreading the side-effects of chemo. I saw mom & nana go through chemo. I remember mom telling us that she wanted to quit & just die w/ the cancer instead of continuing treatment (surgery & chemo). Mom's a VERY strong person & I hope to follow in her footsteps in survival & such. However, knowing that she felt that way makes me *VERY* afraid of what I'll feel like.
  8. Financial concerns... I'm the bread-winner (sorry Andrew) in our family. I won't be able to work for the remainder of the year at least. However, if I don't keep my pay-check at least somewhat intact, we can't make our insurance premiums and some other things we have pulled out of my check (pre-tax). I'm afraid this will strain Andrew tremendously b/c he'll try to cover it up so I don't worry.
  9. Being afraid I'll get cancer again... This is one that I'm afraid probably won't ever go away. No matter how many extraneous body parts I have removed, I'll always be afraid something will come back to get me. Even though I'm only 28 now, I'm already thinking about having a hysterectomy to prevent ovarian cancer (also caused by our gene mutation). However, even that won't entirely remove my risk or fears.
  10. Not being able to be intimate... This is the TMI portion of this post. I'm going to be pregnant, bald, and quite possibly sick. Not exactly a turn-on! Then I'm going to have just given birth & have my boobies cut off (and reconstructed, but still). Again, not exactly a turn-on! Then I'm going to be going through chemo again (2nd round) & probably at the very least be bald again. Plus then we'll have 2 kids 2 & under. Not a turn-on or a time friendly thing!

I know that whatever happens my family will stand beside me (sometimes completely supporting me). I also know that I'm being lifted up in so many prayers I'm sure that's what's keeping me going. However, I have a busy mind & lots of concerns... Thanks again for the thoughts & prayers (as well as actual physical stuff) you guys all give me!

5 comments:

  1. Erika--all very valid concerns and I appreciate that you have the strength to put them out there and are able to put your self-reflections into words (something I cannot do). Sharing these concerns will help you...it is a type of therapy already. Sharing these concerns with your husband will help also, allowing him to be a part of this will help him to stay connected (including the intimacy part). He loves you, he married you For Better and For Worse...if being bald and with reconstructed ta-tas (+2 kids, 2 and under) is the worst then he is one heck of a lucky man. What you are forgetting is what he already knows: that you are a BEAUTIFUL (hair or not, boobies or not, prego belly or not), STRONG, COURAGEOUS woman; his wife, the mother of his children, his friend. Keep your chin up, meet this head-on and you will do wonderfully. You will bond with your new daughter, your son will call you a hero someday, and your husband will forever be in awe of you. And God will give you strength.

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  2. Well said, Erika. I'm glad you can communicate this way because it makes up for you not being able to 'say' these things out loud. Janine hit it right on the head with her comments. You are strong and you are loved and this too, you shall overcome! You know we're all here for you so just keep doing what you do best -- be YOU! God bless my brave daughter! Don't forget, too, that prenancy will help with chemo side effects and that the round of my chemo that you mentioned was b/c the anti-nausea meds gave me an allergic reaction...

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  3. Anonymous7/29/2009

    Erika,
    You don't know me, but I know your mom and knew your grandmother. Reading your comments was very touching. You are facing a lot, but I know that you come from a family of strong people. Please know that there are many people thinking of you and praying for you. You and your family are on our church prayer list.

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  4. Michelle Clark7/30/2009

    Erika... I cannot imagine being in your shoes right now. I think it is great that you can at least put your feelings down into words...keep it up. Getting it out either verbally or written is so important. And never forget that you are not alone in this. You have lots of friends/family that are praying for you and your family. You are such a strong person. And don't forget it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Everybody has to ask for help at some point or another. And honey Andrew loves you no matter what your appearance. You're a beautiful person from the inside out. I know it has to be hard right now not to, but try not to dwell on what might happen. You have enough to handle for today. Just take it a day at a time and offer up those worries to God, He will guide you through. Hang in there sweetie....my numbers on my profile if you need ANYTHING or just need to talk.

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  5. Cathy Burden7/30/2009

    Erika -- you must be your mother's daughter (and I know how crazy that sounds) because she too can let it all hang out! I think your blog is a fanfreakingtastic method of dealing with all that you have on your plate right now; heck, you should have sideboards installed to help hold it all on! Sometimes we have to "fake it until we make it," to get through the day. Seems to me that you are well-versed in this philosophy! Know that you and your family are being kept in the prayers of friends you don't even know yet from St. Sebastian. Hang in there!

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My Chemo-Jane hair-style

My Chemo-Jane hair-style
I just had to have my mom buzz my hair because it was falling out so badly.

Pre-op wearing my hand-crocheted cap with my prayer shawl.

Pre-op wearing my hand-crocheted cap with my prayer shawl.
My loving husband is watching me distract myself with a game on his iPhone.

2 days after my BMX w/ 100ccs in the TEs

2 days after my BMX w/ 100ccs in the TEs
I even have a fashionable belt to hold up my drains.

3 weeks post-op w/ 400ccs in each TE

3 weeks post-op w/ 400ccs in each TE
The smile is fake because the TEs were irritating!