Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I've been remiss again...
Well, its been a crazy time. I haven't been blogging b/c I've been concerned about other things. Rachel is doing fine. I think she's going to be growing quite nicely! She's eating 4 oz every 4 hours and sometimes demanding more after only 3 hours. Simon is doing great as well. He's still in love with her, but he's getting a little more comfortable with her. Its not a great thing b/c that means he's more touchy-feely than he needs to be... Andrew is also doing well. Business is definitely not brisk, but its enough to keep him paying his bills!
I was upset today though. I've been having second thoughts about my chemo and going to Houston. Dr. M said I could skip chemo until I got back from Houston - to avoid being sick on the trip down there. However, Dr. L from Houston sent an email that made me think she didn't want to do any testing on the lump I found to see if its a tumor or scar-tissue until after I finished all my chemo. That would have been 12 weeks of not knowing what this lump is. I couldn't take that mentally or emotionally. I immediately got on the phone and tried to get it straightened out. I think the consensus is that the testing on the lump is going to be done - Dr. L meant for it to happen regardless. However, according to Dr. L the most important thing is to not delay my chemo. I think we're still going to Houston for the testing next week. The testing could be done here, but I'm afraid something will get missed or done not quite up to MD Anderson standards. So tomorrow I'm going to start this next round of chemo (Taxol) at 945 am. Then theoretically Andrew & I will leave for Houston early Sunday morning. We should be back in town by Wednesday for my next chemo treatment.
This new lump has me more upset than the original lump did I think. The thought of having gone through the chemo while pregnant w/ all the risks and worry for nothing is driving me crazy. I'm also probably doing the hormonal switches/moodiness associated w/ a recent delivery, so my emotions are all over the place (well, by my standards anyway). Also, I'm nervous about this new chemo anyway b/c I don't have the pregnancy to 'protect' me from the side-effects. Plus I've got 2 kids now to worry about - even though my mom and mother-in-law (and lots of other people) are still helping me out tremendously. Its going to be hard to leave my babies behind just to go to chemo & Houston - much less anything else.
I'm really afraid too that this cancer is resistant or something. I know that's a negative thought, but I just can't get it out of my mind. I was ok with the cancer when everyone (doctors and others) told me the chemo and surgery would take care of it easily. Now that it seems like either a) my body is just cancer-crazy & can recreate cancer *really* fast, b) the excisional biopsy didn't actually get all the tumor nor did the chemo kill all the cancer cells, or c) some combination thereof.