Even people that know me quite well aren't often aware of what goes on behind my cheerful facade. I think to an extent most people are like that. Apparently I'm quite good at it -- that is until I break down completely. I've reached that point. I think **hopefully** I'm balancing out again, so as to not be so depressed and downhearted. However, as soon as I build back up to presenting my cheerful facade, people quickly seem to forget that life is not all unicorns & rainbows for me. I know I'm guilty of doing the same for other people, but my past 2 years have given me a unique perspective on the subject. I've been told lately that I "make it look to easy" so people forget that under the smiles & giddiness ;-) I struggle with a variety of somewhat unusual ailments/difficulties. I'm just pondering the alternatives I have in my life right now.
I'm having some stress at work as a result of the struggles I'm having with my health. That's really hard on me because I'm responsible for bringing home the insurance premiums and such. Since I've been out so much over the past 2 years, I have very little time left. Nor am I any longer the sympathy inspiring bald pregnant girl. My time to take off (vacation, sick, &/or comp) continues to dwindle as I face more doctors appointments to get me healthy again. This leads to...Stress affects my health more than it probably should. So the stress at work adds to the downward spiral of my health & vice versa. So the more stressed I become about having no time left (for doctors appointments or, heaven forbid, a vacation) the more I need the time off to recover my health. The more time I take for my health, the less time I have at work and therefore the more important every hour is. The more work time I spend, the more I stress and feel unhealthy. Its just a vicious cycle.
I went to my plastic surgeon again Tuesday with my increased pain. The answers I got were/are not promising. Dr. S's 'solution' is to do another surgery with capsulorophy (shrinking the pocket the implant sits in) and using smaller implants. The theory is that this might help the pain in my upper chest, neck, and shoulders. However, the issues that cause that pain (retracted pectoral muscles, lack of muscular support of the implants, super stretchy skin, and difficulty fitting bras) will most likely not be fixed. The only thing the new surgery will fix is the additional weight since she's recommending I down-size from 700ccs to 350-400ccs. I'm not concerned about the smaller size. The concern I have is that without fixing the musculature issues I'm having, the pain will continue. Even Dr. S admits that there's a good chance the smaller implants will do the same thing these larger ones have (stretch the skin and bottom out). Another surgery that may or may not actually fix my issue may also cause other issues. The more times the skin covering my foobs is disturbed the more likely it is that I'll suffer from loss of circulation -- leading to skin death and/or capsular contracture -- leading to another surgery to correct it.
One of her other fixes for my situation is to send me to a pain management doctor for trigger point injections in the juncture of my breast-bone and ribs. Since I turn 30 next week, I'm not a big fan of already having the necessity of a pain management doctor being among the first things recommended. That implies, to me, that for the rest of my life I'm going to have this pain to deal with. I know people live with pain for much of their lives on a daily basis. However, most people I know don't deal with a pain level of 7-8 on a 1-10 scale on a constant daily basis that is exacerbated by normal activities like stretching, getting something off an upper shelf, or (heaven forbid) picking up a child at this age. I also have the fore-knowledge that typically I don't react to pain medications as expected. Strong pain medicine may block a portion of my pain, but the major effect it has is to make me drowsy. If medication is only going to make me drowsy I cannot function well enough to work... Thereby circling back to paragraphs two and three above.
To defend Dr. S, I did call MD Anderson to see about speaking to another plastic surgeon since mine moved away from MD Anderson. His opinion -- relayed to me through a very nice patient advocate -- was that a) without seeing me they can't say anything, b) plastic surgery is unlikely to reduce my pain, and c) a pain management specialist may be my best option. The very nice patient advocate did give me the names & numbers of two recent Fellows from MD Anderson that have since moved closer to KY. She also advised me to contact my original plastic surgeon -- the other Dr. S -- that did my initial reconstruction. He has moved to John Hopkins, but has maintained his speciality of reconstruction.
Today I went to the chiropractor. I'm not a big fan of chiropractics, but it seems preferable to really big needles going into my chest with mind-numbing medications coursing through my body. Plus, any port in a storm seems viable when the pain gets bad enough. I have been adjusted by this chiropractor before -- 3 years ago before Simon was born -- so I knew he was a pretty straight-forward guy. I really wasn't that hopeful, but I decided to just lay it all out without sugar coating anything. To be honest, some of my issues do strike me as being nerve related & that could tie into chiropractics. So they x-rayed my back & discovered a slight left-right curve to my spine between my shoulder blades. More discussion followed and then I got adjusted. I'm actually slightly more comfortable now (I think) than I was before I went. They want to see me again tomorrow and Monday to make sure things stay the way they're supposed to I guess. I'm still having some numbness & tingling down my arms, but I'm unsure whether that is back related or bra/implant/muscle related.
No comments:
Post a Comment