Another complication...

At least now I know I had a really good reason to feel so miserable... I had to have emergency surgery Saturday Oct 2. The pain got to be so great that I couldn't handle it at home, so I called my doctor (who was luckily on call) and she did a direct admit on me. Around 3pm that afternoon, she had me in the OR. It turns out that my uterus had an abscess in its wall as well as adhesions attaching it to my bowel and mesentary (spelling). Some of the photos show how tightly everything was attached. Internal organs aren't supposed to be attached to one another tightly. They're supposed to kind of float around inside your abdomen. Mine apparently didn't read that book! The surgery was a success. She was able to use my most recent laproscopic incisions to remove my uterus & the adhesions. However, I spiked a fever after my surgery & so I'm still in the hospital for now. I'm hoping to get out tomorrow, but I haven't had much luck holding food down yet. I'm on IV antibiotics and fluids for now. I'm still in quite a bit of pain, but its slowly getting to the level it was when I was admitted Saturday.

In a way I got what I wanted initially, my uterus, tubes, & ovaries removed. I just had to take the long way, as usual. The worst part is that this is probably going to delay my reconstruction AGAIN. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be finished with this cancer crap... :-/

Results...

Well, I can't say I'm surprised, but the ultrasound today showed that I have a hematoma (blood filled sac) near my uterus on the right side (the side that oozed/bled so much during surgery). This isn't the worst option, but it isn't a good option either. As of right now its not obvious that the hematoma is getting bigger and/or infected (an abscess). However, that is a significant possibility. So I'm on some high-powered antibiotics, rest, wait & see until next Thursday. Then I have another ultrasound & visit with Dr. B. She's fairly confident that it'll resolve itself if I take care of myself. However, if it doesn't, Dr. B will have to do more surgery on me to remove the offending hematoma/abscess. If she does that I'll go ahead & have her remove my uterus this time. Of course, the biggest concern with that is that for whatever reason I bled last time will still be present & I'll bleed badly again. However, if the pain doesn't decrease & the hematoma doesn't shrink there really isn't another option. Of course, this all means that my 2nd stage reconstruction ('permanent' implant exchange for these horrible expanders I have in now) will be delayed again. That's terribly frustrating to me. Basically I'm in wait & see mode.

I had to give in to the fact that I'm having some trouble dealing with all this emotionally & mentally, so I'm going to rely on some pharmaceutical help in that department. I'm still not going to be allowed to walk, be active, or pick-up/handle the kids. However, hopefully in a few years I won't even remember this seeming roadblock in the road except as as a bit of speed-bump. Last night I was kind of blaming myself for this problem because I didn't *have* to have my ovaries & tubes removed yet. However, Dr. B read the surgical report & saw that I had an ovarian cyst (benign, but still problematic) that would most likely have needed to be removed in 4-6 months anyway. So I'd have had to have my ovaries removed regardless of whether I chose to or not. So contrarily, that kind of made me feel better emotionally about my decision even though I'm suffering for it now. I was also pleased that the tech that did my ultrasound was actually the same one that did all my biophysical profiles for Rachel before she was born. I got to share with her how big & healthy Rachel turned out. That was a good feeling. Something similar happened yesterday at the Health Park. The woman that registered me for my CT scan had dealt with me while I was still pregnant & bald. I was able to tell her about Rachel's wonderful health too.

I am still kind of depressed about the whole situation. It looks like I'm going to have about a month longer off work to recover. Its also really hard not to pick-up the babies. They're so cute & sweet that I just want to cuddle them & hug them. However, when I do, I pay for it with lots of pain. However, I'm getting a lot of support from family, friends, and even complete strangers. That helps me realize that God is up there watching over me. Its easy to feel like God is out to get me or punish me for something. One of the techs today pointed out that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I think one of the saints is quoted as saying they wished God didn't love them quite so much when confronted with that logic. I feel like that saint. I've also lately been given several quotes and/or comparisons to Job. However, I just don't think I'm nearly as righteous as he was (or the saint was). However, I'll keep plugging away. I still pray for God to let this cup pass from me, but I figure that since He didn't let Jesus's cup pass, He's not going to let mine pass either. However, it is comforting to know that even Jesus cried out to God for relief & was denied. Granted He did a whole lot more than me and was a lot more blameless than me, but He still suffered & cried out for relief. Thank you everyone who's praying, thinking, and wishing me well. I appreciate it & need it!

Its been a while...

I guess its bad that I've not been blogging. Honestly, I just haven't felt up to it. Things have not been so well...

After my surgery I thought things were going to get better relatively quickly. I was apparently wrong. Its been 4 weeks and I'm still on Lortab & Ibuprofen every 6 hours. I'm hurting a lot more than I anticipated... I'm pretty sure I'm hurting more than the doctor(s) anticipated as well. Yesterday, Dr. B ordered a CT scan to check on the conditions of my innards. The CT scan revealed that I have an abscess, an infection of my tube (that's supposed to have been removed), or an accumulation of fluid on my right side. I go tomorrow to have an ultrasound to see about differentiating which problem it is.

I'm pretty bummed out about all this. I have hot flashes too. I'm just not so happy. To start with I was told to expect a laproscopic procedure combined with my reconstruction with a 2-3 week recovery phase. Instead I ended up with a laparotomy with 5 days in the hospital & at least 6 weeks recovery and no completed reconstruction. Even though I knew the surgery went poorly, I still expected to have my usual quick recovery. Not so. When the pain (for me) outlasts the pain medicine the doctor(s) give, its a really bad sign.

I feel like my body has betrayed me. I mean, it was bad enough to get cancer while I was pregnant & in my (late) 20s. Then it was bad to find out that I'd have to have "permanent" silicone implants instead of using my own tissue. Then I didn't heal quite as quickly as I wanted from the mastectomy/reconstruction. Now, I made the difficult decision to have my ovaries out thinking it'd be an easy procedure (I was assured of it by several doctors and lay-people), only to have it back-fire on me. I feel awful. I feel ugly. I feel defective. I feel depressed. I feel like I'm a bad mom b/c I don't have much maternal desire right now. I'm just miserable.

Rachel & Simon are doing great though. Simon's still not potty-trained, but he's extraordinarily intelligent! Rachel is growing like a weed & learning to stand & even walk. Andrew's being great too. He's still unemployed, but we're spending a lot of time together!