Results...

Well, I can't say I'm surprised, but the ultrasound today showed that I have a hematoma (blood filled sac) near my uterus on the right side (the side that oozed/bled so much during surgery). This isn't the worst option, but it isn't a good option either. As of right now its not obvious that the hematoma is getting bigger and/or infected (an abscess). However, that is a significant possibility. So I'm on some high-powered antibiotics, rest, wait & see until next Thursday. Then I have another ultrasound & visit with Dr. B. She's fairly confident that it'll resolve itself if I take care of myself. However, if it doesn't, Dr. B will have to do more surgery on me to remove the offending hematoma/abscess. If she does that I'll go ahead & have her remove my uterus this time. Of course, the biggest concern with that is that for whatever reason I bled last time will still be present & I'll bleed badly again. However, if the pain doesn't decrease & the hematoma doesn't shrink there really isn't another option. Of course, this all means that my 2nd stage reconstruction ('permanent' implant exchange for these horrible expanders I have in now) will be delayed again. That's terribly frustrating to me. Basically I'm in wait & see mode.

I had to give in to the fact that I'm having some trouble dealing with all this emotionally & mentally, so I'm going to rely on some pharmaceutical help in that department. I'm still not going to be allowed to walk, be active, or pick-up/handle the kids. However, hopefully in a few years I won't even remember this seeming roadblock in the road except as as a bit of speed-bump. Last night I was kind of blaming myself for this problem because I didn't *have* to have my ovaries & tubes removed yet. However, Dr. B read the surgical report & saw that I had an ovarian cyst (benign, but still problematic) that would most likely have needed to be removed in 4-6 months anyway. So I'd have had to have my ovaries removed regardless of whether I chose to or not. So contrarily, that kind of made me feel better emotionally about my decision even though I'm suffering for it now. I was also pleased that the tech that did my ultrasound was actually the same one that did all my biophysical profiles for Rachel before she was born. I got to share with her how big & healthy Rachel turned out. That was a good feeling. Something similar happened yesterday at the Health Park. The woman that registered me for my CT scan had dealt with me while I was still pregnant & bald. I was able to tell her about Rachel's wonderful health too.

I am still kind of depressed about the whole situation. It looks like I'm going to have about a month longer off work to recover. Its also really hard not to pick-up the babies. They're so cute & sweet that I just want to cuddle them & hug them. However, when I do, I pay for it with lots of pain. However, I'm getting a lot of support from family, friends, and even complete strangers. That helps me realize that God is up there watching over me. Its easy to feel like God is out to get me or punish me for something. One of the techs today pointed out that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I think one of the saints is quoted as saying they wished God didn't love them quite so much when confronted with that logic. I feel like that saint. I've also lately been given several quotes and/or comparisons to Job. However, I just don't think I'm nearly as righteous as he was (or the saint was). However, I'll keep plugging away. I still pray for God to let this cup pass from me, but I figure that since He didn't let Jesus's cup pass, He's not going to let mine pass either. However, it is comforting to know that even Jesus cried out to God for relief & was denied. Granted He did a whole lot more than me and was a lot more blameless than me, but He still suffered & cried out for relief. Thank you everyone who's praying, thinking, and wishing me well. I appreciate it & need it!