Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Its been a while...
I guess its bad that I've not been blogging. Honestly, I just haven't felt up to it. Things have not been so well...
After my surgery I thought things were going to get better relatively quickly. I was apparently wrong. Its been 4 weeks and I'm still on Lortab & Ibuprofen every 6 hours. I'm hurting a lot more than I anticipated... I'm pretty sure I'm hurting more than the doctor(s) anticipated as well. Yesterday, Dr. B ordered a CT scan to check on the conditions of my innards. The CT scan revealed that I have an abscess, an infection of my tube (that's supposed to have been removed), or an accumulation of fluid on my right side. I go tomorrow to have an ultrasound to see about differentiating which problem it is.
I'm pretty bummed out about all this. I have hot flashes too. I'm just not so happy. To start with I was told to expect a laproscopic procedure combined with my reconstruction with a 2-3 week recovery phase. Instead I ended up with a laparotomy with 5 days in the hospital & at least 6 weeks recovery and no completed reconstruction. Even though I knew the surgery went poorly, I still expected to have my usual quick recovery. Not so. When the pain (for me) outlasts the pain medicine the doctor(s) give, its a really bad sign.
I feel like my body has betrayed me. I mean, it was bad enough to get cancer while I was pregnant & in my (late) 20s. Then it was bad to find out that I'd have to have "permanent" silicone implants instead of using my own tissue. Then I didn't heal quite as quickly as I wanted from the mastectomy/reconstruction. Now, I made the difficult decision to have my ovaries out thinking it'd be an easy procedure (I was assured of it by several doctors and lay-people), only to have it back-fire on me. I feel awful. I feel ugly. I feel defective. I feel depressed. I feel like I'm a bad mom b/c I don't have much maternal desire right now. I'm just miserable.
Rachel & Simon are doing great though. Simon's still not potty-trained, but he's extraordinarily intelligent! Rachel is growing like a weed & learning to stand & even walk. Andrew's being great too. He's still unemployed, but we're spending a lot of time together!