Results...

Well, I can't say I'm surprised, but the ultrasound today showed that I have a hematoma (blood filled sac) near my uterus on the right side (the side that oozed/bled so much during surgery). This isn't the worst option, but it isn't a good option either. As of right now its not obvious that the hematoma is getting bigger and/or infected (an abscess). However, that is a significant possibility. So I'm on some high-powered antibiotics, rest, wait & see until next Thursday. Then I have another ultrasound & visit with Dr. B. She's fairly confident that it'll resolve itself if I take care of myself. However, if it doesn't, Dr. B will have to do more surgery on me to remove the offending hematoma/abscess. If she does that I'll go ahead & have her remove my uterus this time. Of course, the biggest concern with that is that for whatever reason I bled last time will still be present & I'll bleed badly again. However, if the pain doesn't decrease & the hematoma doesn't shrink there really isn't another option. Of course, this all means that my 2nd stage reconstruction ('permanent' implant exchange for these horrible expanders I have in now) will be delayed again. That's terribly frustrating to me. Basically I'm in wait & see mode.

I had to give in to the fact that I'm having some trouble dealing with all this emotionally & mentally, so I'm going to rely on some pharmaceutical help in that department. I'm still not going to be allowed to walk, be active, or pick-up/handle the kids. However, hopefully in a few years I won't even remember this seeming roadblock in the road except as as a bit of speed-bump. Last night I was kind of blaming myself for this problem because I didn't *have* to have my ovaries & tubes removed yet. However, Dr. B read the surgical report & saw that I had an ovarian cyst (benign, but still problematic) that would most likely have needed to be removed in 4-6 months anyway. So I'd have had to have my ovaries removed regardless of whether I chose to or not. So contrarily, that kind of made me feel better emotionally about my decision even though I'm suffering for it now. I was also pleased that the tech that did my ultrasound was actually the same one that did all my biophysical profiles for Rachel before she was born. I got to share with her how big & healthy Rachel turned out. That was a good feeling. Something similar happened yesterday at the Health Park. The woman that registered me for my CT scan had dealt with me while I was still pregnant & bald. I was able to tell her about Rachel's wonderful health too.

I am still kind of depressed about the whole situation. It looks like I'm going to have about a month longer off work to recover. Its also really hard not to pick-up the babies. They're so cute & sweet that I just want to cuddle them & hug them. However, when I do, I pay for it with lots of pain. However, I'm getting a lot of support from family, friends, and even complete strangers. That helps me realize that God is up there watching over me. Its easy to feel like God is out to get me or punish me for something. One of the techs today pointed out that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I think one of the saints is quoted as saying they wished God didn't love them quite so much when confronted with that logic. I feel like that saint. I've also lately been given several quotes and/or comparisons to Job. However, I just don't think I'm nearly as righteous as he was (or the saint was). However, I'll keep plugging away. I still pray for God to let this cup pass from me, but I figure that since He didn't let Jesus's cup pass, He's not going to let mine pass either. However, it is comforting to know that even Jesus cried out to God for relief & was denied. Granted He did a whole lot more than me and was a lot more blameless than me, but He still suffered & cried out for relief. Thank you everyone who's praying, thinking, and wishing me well. I appreciate it & need it!

Its been a while...

I guess its bad that I've not been blogging. Honestly, I just haven't felt up to it. Things have not been so well...

After my surgery I thought things were going to get better relatively quickly. I was apparently wrong. Its been 4 weeks and I'm still on Lortab & Ibuprofen every 6 hours. I'm hurting a lot more than I anticipated... I'm pretty sure I'm hurting more than the doctor(s) anticipated as well. Yesterday, Dr. B ordered a CT scan to check on the conditions of my innards. The CT scan revealed that I have an abscess, an infection of my tube (that's supposed to have been removed), or an accumulation of fluid on my right side. I go tomorrow to have an ultrasound to see about differentiating which problem it is.

I'm pretty bummed out about all this. I have hot flashes too. I'm just not so happy. To start with I was told to expect a laproscopic procedure combined with my reconstruction with a 2-3 week recovery phase. Instead I ended up with a laparotomy with 5 days in the hospital & at least 6 weeks recovery and no completed reconstruction. Even though I knew the surgery went poorly, I still expected to have my usual quick recovery. Not so. When the pain (for me) outlasts the pain medicine the doctor(s) give, its a really bad sign.

I feel like my body has betrayed me. I mean, it was bad enough to get cancer while I was pregnant & in my (late) 20s. Then it was bad to find out that I'd have to have "permanent" silicone implants instead of using my own tissue. Then I didn't heal quite as quickly as I wanted from the mastectomy/reconstruction. Now, I made the difficult decision to have my ovaries out thinking it'd be an easy procedure (I was assured of it by several doctors and lay-people), only to have it back-fire on me. I feel awful. I feel ugly. I feel defective. I feel depressed. I feel like I'm a bad mom b/c I don't have much maternal desire right now. I'm just miserable.

Rachel & Simon are doing great though. Simon's still not potty-trained, but he's extraordinarily intelligent! Rachel is growing like a weed & learning to stand & even walk. Andrew's being great too. He's still unemployed, but we're spending a lot of time together!

Home again!

We started home almost as soon as I was released from the hospital Saturday afternoon. We had to stop for the night about 5 hours away from home. Then we made it all the way home by 3 pm Sunday afternoon. It was a long hard trip that I'm still trying to recover from.

We spent the night by ourselves - sent the babies off to my mother-in-law's house. We slept in really late & then Andrew went to go get Simon. We played with him all day! Andrew's going to bring Rachel home tomorrow.

Brenda (my mother-in-law) called earlier to let us know that Rachel stood up on her own without holding onto anything else. Brenda said she turned away for a second & the next thing she knew Rachel was standing holding on to a toy! While we were gone she mastered some words - bye-bye with hand motions (means both the obvious as well as come get me I want to be with you), mama, nana, dada, and papa. Mom sent me a video of her doing it.

It makes me sad to miss some of these firsts of Rachel's. I feel like I've not bonded as well with her as I could have. Simon was so dependant and connected to me (quite literally a lot of the time) when he was this age. I still felt kind of left out sometimes because Andrew has always had quite a way with him. However, at least I knew I was providing him w/ something vital that linked us all the time.

Poor Rachel has been continually separated from me it seems. First it was chemo separation. I was with her, but not really b/c I was somewhat miserable from the chemo. Then I had my 1st surgery, so I was unable to hold her for 2 weeks. Then even after I healed from that surgery, I've had some issues with not being able to hold her close b/c of my expanders and pain. Then we kind of settled in with each other. However, now we've been separated for a long time again & I won't be able to hold her for at least 2 weeks again. In a few weeks (3-4 maybe) I plan on trying to have my 2nd stage of my reconstruction done. So that'll be *another* separation.

However, I still feel like she's more bonded with others than she is with me. Maybe part of it is because I don't have that same closeness of nursing her. Another part of it is that I feel like I've just been so worried about myself that I've not been able to be as single-minded with her. I don't feel like she's been neglected or anything. Its just that I have uber Mommy guilt I guess.

This sucks...

If there's a list of what can go wrong during an ooph I probably hit all the top ones. I had my surgery Aug 31st. Supposed to be laproscopic & implant exchange. Ended up being a laparotomy without exchange. I lost almost 2 liters of blood during surgery. I had adhesions from endometriosis all over. She left my uterus. I've had transfusions & now have illeus (my bowel's asleep). I'm still in the hospital & I'm absolutely miserable. I still have my horribly ugly expanders. I'm pissy & sore.I'm 900 miles away from my home & kids. Farting is my biggest accomplishment for the day. It just sucks.

Houston we have a problem...

Well, I did get to have my surgery, but only part of it. I was scheduled for both my ovaries to be removed as well as for my 2nd step of reconstruction. The ovary removal was 1st. We never got past that part. Apparently my endometriosis has been really busy since I had Rachel. Dr. K got into my abdomen and found all kinds of adhesions. My ureter (tube that connects your bladder to your wee-wee) was attached to my ovary, and other things we attached to each other. Technically, nothing was supposed to be connected to anything else. Dr. K got my right ovary out, but I kept bleeding. I lost over a liter of blood & have had to have a transfusion. A simple 2 hour surgery (the ovary part) turned into a LONG time. I think all told, from when I got here yesterday until they found me a room was about 15 hours. With all these complications, my 2nd step of reconstruction couldn't be done. The risks were just too high. Instead of being in the hospital for one night, it's probably going to be 2-3 nights total. Instead of 3 weeks off of work for recovery, its going to be about 6 weeks. I'm pretty miserable. I'm glad to have at least this much done, but I'm just so exhausted. I'm on a morphine pump - I can give myself a dose every 6 minutes. I'm pretty much doing that. Please keep the prayers coming. I really appreciate it.