Trade Tears for Fears or Are They One & the Same?

It seems like all I ever do is whine lately. I apologize for that. The sad fact is that I actually do feel worse now than I did 2 years ago pregnant & doing chemo. Back then I at least had the comfort of knowing this phase was transitory & at the end (well, middle of chemo) I would have a beautiful baby girl to cuddle. I was also not stretched so thin between work, home, & health -- nor were my chest muscles stretched so thin. I'm still waiting to hear from MD Anderson about getting a consultation with a plastic surgeon there. The pain and strain continues to build.

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I spent almost a solid 4 hours crying. I wasn't just crying to myself -- no I had to go & cry in front of the receptionists at the doctor's office, random people at the doctor's office, my direct supervisor, my co-workers, my husband, AND my mom all at different times. For the record: I DO NOT CRY. If I'm crying then the world as I know it has come crashing down upon me. To the outside observer it seems like a simple mistake or a casual dismissal. However, to me it is the straw that broke the camel's back.

My tears yesterday were of pain, frustration, disappointment, fear, stress, and exhaustion. One of the biggest factors is fear though. Almost all the other reasons I cry are based on fear. I'm afraid that I'm just going in circles (frustration). I'm afraid that I'm not taking the right steps (disappointment). I'm afraid that I am not fulfilling all my obligations (stress). I'm afraid that I'm going to miss something (exhaustion). I'm afraid that I'm just going to have to continue living this way. I'm just afraid period. I give myself all the same platitudes & inspirational sayings that frequent Hallmark cards & motivational posters. However, at this point I can't convince myself to believe. I've become jaded and cynical.

Today I resolved to do better. My nails (fingers & toes) are a day-glo bright pink. I'm wearing peep-toe heels (so show off my day-glo bright pink nails). I'm wearing a bright pink shirt. I've plastered a smile in my mind. So far it seems to be working, but I can feel the fear still lurking in the background. I'm trying to be confident that the day-glo bright pink is enough armour to stave off the guerrilla warfare of fear. Mostly, I'm trying to be confident that His invisible shield surrounds me and comforts me. Good luck & God bless!