Nervous Nelly thy Name is Erika

Well, tomorrow morning at 515 I will be checking in for my 8-10 hour surgery. I'm marked up like a side of beef. Mom took a photo, but my blog isn't rated for that kind of content. ;-) If you've ever had doctors make a road map on your body with a Sharpie, you know how humiliating & frightening it is. If you haven't experienced it, pray you don't. The humiliation is because at that time you are no longer a person, you are a canvas. The doctors (there were 3 drawing on me) spoke among themselves as if I wasn't conscious. When they acknowledged me, it was to issue orders for me to move a certain way or to try to re-assure me. The reassurances didn't really work. I think the inside of my lip will bear the permanent mark of my teeth. It was all I could do to not cry. The doctors were not cruel or rude in anyway, but being stripped of all clothing except some brief undies & verbally dissected was just kind of hard to take.


Suffice it to save that large portions of my anatomy will be transferred from one location to another & the implants will be canned. Hopefully, the pain from the surgery won't be too bad. Hopefully, the constant pain will leave me.

For the first 48 hours, the transplanted tissue will be checked for appropriate circulation every hour. If circulation is compromised by clots, I will be rushed back to surgery. This failure only happens about 1% of the time. About 50% of those failures are salvageable. Sometimes the flap of transplanted tissue must be removed. After 48 hours the risk of flap failure decreases dramatically. At that point, hematomas, seromas, infections, and poor healing become the threats. With the exception of a severe infection, none of these other concerns are life threatening.

For about 2 weeks I will have to walk slumped over to protect the sutures on my abdomen. The skin from my belly-button to the low-rise waist of my pants & all the fat & some (maybe) of the muscle will be removed. Depending on the amount of muscle taken, the pain, recovery, & permanent functionality of my abdominal muscle will be affected. If much of the muscle is needed my abdominal strength will forever be compromised. It shouldn't be too bad, but it will definitely be another adjustment.

Just the thought is making me sick to my stomach. "Our Father, who art in Heaven..."

If all goes well, by 6 weeks I should have a good idea of whether my constant pain has been alleviated by this surgery. I feel compelled to point out, again, that this constant pain is THE reason for this operation. This surgery is complicated and scary. This surgery is not something I chose lightly because I wasn't satisfied with my appearance or because I chose too large implants out of vanity. The implants chosen for me are the most comparable to my natural breasts. That is the point of reconstruction -- to get back as close to normal/natural as possible. I have just had the misfortune to have excruciating pain with my reconstruction. No one understands my pain, it's origin, or even it's effect on my life. This is basically my last-ditch effort to alleviate the pain. If not for the pain & it's profound effect on my life, I would NOT be having this surgery. However, the truth is that I find myself without real options. Living with the pain has gotten me nothing but grief.

These last 2 weeks of no medication as a precaution against excessive bleeding &/or uncontrollable pain have been hell. Until I quit taking any medication for it, I didn't realize how much my nightly dose helped. However, having constant pain that is already a 6 on a 1-10 (10 = worst) upon waking in the morning is awful. Depending on the activities & stress of the day, by early evening my pain level was often at an 8 or a 9. Trying to work, drive, play with the kids, cook supper, or even take care of myself was monumental. It is my fondest wish & most fervent prayer that this surgery cures my pain or at least minimizes it.