A day at the garage

Today I went to the garage w/ Andrew just to be out of my house (and mom's) for a change. I pretty much did all the same things, except there instead of here. It wasn't quite as comfortable, but it was good to see Andrew in his natural habitat!

I'm having some discomfort tonight. I don't think its really contractions, just too long in the wrong position today. I'm not rushing to L&D by any means. However, if it gets to where it feels like contractions for real, I definitely will go.

Mom took Simon's picture as a "Baby Bug" this afternoon. Its not his real Halloween costume, but its adorable none-the-less. Tomorrow we're going to Trunk-or-Treat at St. Alphonsus just up the road. He'll be dressed as a monkey (I hope). I'll try to get some pictures on here too.

36 weeks!

Today is our 36th weeks together for me & Rachel. We've been a pea in a pod for that long now. Everything is still good! I can't decide if I'm excited or not though... I think I'm having a delayed reaction to everything that's going on. Actually, though, I don't think I got all that excited about Simon either. I'm the type of person that thrives on routine & the familiar. Having a baby is a HUGE step outside of routine & familiar! Oh well, I want the babies, I'll just have to deal w/ the mental issues! ;-)

Simon is so cute. He's really learning to say lots of different words now. I think the list is probably in the 50s or more. Just last night he popped out w/ 'Papa' (my dad), 'Coppa' (Copper my dog), 'cracker', and a few others. His vocabulary is coming right along! He's also a sweetie, even though he prefers Andrew to me... He's also got a touch of our OCD... I was helping him put his tractors to 'bed' last night so he could go to bed. I was lining them up for him against the entertainment center. I stepped away to help him find one across the room & told him to go put it w/ the others. Instead of just randomly placing the tractor near the others (or throwing it) he continued the line-up. He did that several times (probably 3-4 tractors). The boy likes order, routine, & the familiar! He doesn't have a chance! :-)

Rachel update...

We had another ultrasound today. Rachel measured 37 weeks even though I'm actually only 35 wks & 6 days. She's estimated to weigh about 6.67lbs - I think the average for this stage is 6 lbs. She's still a big gal! I'm doing good too. Everything is going well for her to arrive on time. Hopefully she'll pop out just like a well-cooked turkey on Thanksgiving!

I've been slacking...

We had a crazy weekend this weekend. Saturday I had to have Andrew take me to L&D b/c I was contracting & just feeling 'off'. They monitored me for a couple hours, checked me for dilation/effacement, and then released me to bed-rest.

Then Sunday morning really early, Simon had to be taken to the ER b/c he quit breathing for a moment or 2 while Andrew was trying to rock him back to sleep. He'd been coughing w/ a snotty nose earlier that night, and woke up screaming high-pitched while coughing & making a weird noise. Andrew tried to get him to calm down for 3 hours b/4 he noticed Simon quit breathing. When we got to the ER of course we waited & waited & waited. Once the doctor actually saw Simon, he tested him for flu and did chest x-rays. Both came back negative (that's good). The doc said Simon has croup and a double ear infection.

Well, I'm not a big fan of ER docs, plus he told us to check in w/ Simon's pediatrician in a couple days, so I had my mother-in-law take him to the pediatrician. The pediatrician said his ears were clear (less than 48 hours after the ER doc said he had double ear infections). He did say Simon probably does have croup. He recommended that we give him steroids for the upper respiratory inflammation. We were hesitant and had already refused a steroid injection at the ER b/c the last time Simon had steroids he became a crazy child. However, the pediatrician said that we could cut the dose to once a day to reduce the side effects.

So w/ me on bed rest & Simon not feeling so well, its been a bit crazy. Theoretically I should have all the time in the world since I'm on bed rest, but I'm not really handling it all that well. I hate just the idea of being inactive on purpose. Its one thing to lack motivation on your own, but to be told you can't do anything besides sit/lay around is just irritating. Andrew is really stepping up though b/c he's doing a lot w/ Simon (especially since Simon rejects me most of the time for bed & stuff) and cleaning up the house for me. I just hate feeling worthless and helpless.

Now I find out that our lovely little Sarah has the flu - theoretically the swine flu. Of course since Thursday we've all been practically living together. Since I'm in several high risk categories, I called my OB and she's going to give me Tamiflu to hopefully prevent me from getting the full blown flu. I'm wondering about Simon & Andrew too though. I don't want/need either of them to be sick either. Oh the drama!

Another kiddo day!

I love spending time w/ kids. They're so enthusiastic about EVERYTHING! Abby is 3.5 and knows everything already! She's so cute when she's telling us what she wants to do and how she wants to do it! Sarah is a silent one, but she's always in the mix. I love how she's probably at least 5 lbs lighter than Simon & several inches shorter, but she gives just as good as she gets! Simon doesn't really understand sharing toys or people yet, but he's pretty good with both of them if I do say so myself.

He's learning so many words. Mom & I are keeping a running list & I think at this point there are over 50 words on there. In the last week or so, he's gained a bunch of words that he actually uses frequently. He's even perfected some of them - 'lawnmow' has now become 'lawnmowa' (gotta love the little Southern accent already). He's also experimenting w/ putting some words together like 'big boy' to describe himself. Of course, he still has a lot of random gibberish that I don't understand along w/ some 'sign' language that completely baffles me. However, overall I think he's very proud of himself for being able to communicate. I know Andrew & I are very pleased w/ his progress.

Rachel seems to be getting impatient b/c she is almost constantly exerting more & more pressure on me. More than half the time I feel like she's using my insides as punching/kicking bags. I have contractions on & off - most are the harmless Braxton Hicks type, but I'm afraid some of them are the more serious type. However, so far I've not had any more alarming ones that make me sure I need to go to labor & delivery.

I'm feeling a bit nervous about Rachel's delivery. For some reason (probably my cancer/chemo riddled brain), I'm paranoid that something bad is going to happen to one of us. I know that besides the chemo I'm a pretty healthy person, but the newness of this experience has me worried. I try to avoid reading all the problems that can occur, but I just can't seem to get them completely out of my mind. So far it seems like I'm the only one that's worried though. Dr. M & Dr. B seem completely confident. Andrew & my family seem pretty confident too. I'm going to have to trust God to take care of us (w/ a little help from Dr. B & Dr. M).

Even though I feel like I've grown since my diagnosis, I'm still riddled w/ uncertainty & probably a bit too much pride. I still want to do most things myself instead of accepting help. I'm also still having a bit of trouble letting go & letting God. Somehow I think that my pitiful attempts will be better than God's Almighty efforts. It doesn't make logical sense, but then again, I'm human... I just keep praying that I'll come out of this difficulty a better person in Faith, Hope, & Love. Those truly are the greatest virtues you can have I think. However, I think a good dose of Humility would do me some good too! ;-) So those of you out there praying for me, don't just pray for healing or strength, pray also for humility and understanding.

Thank you so much & know that even if I don't know you by name, I pray for you (w/ Simon & Andrew) nightly! Without the support of so many people, family, friends, and even strangers; we would have never been able to come this far. I get a lot of people telling me how strong I am and/or what an inspiration I am for handling this, I know that I'm not doing it by myself. Its God's help through prayers of people like you that helps me get through each day! Thank you and God bless!

Kiddo day!

Today I get to go up to mom's & spend time w/ not only my own kiddo, but also my 2 adorable nieces! They're at mom's until Sunday, so we'll have lots of time to play! Otherwise, I'm going to take it pretty easy!

I'm going to try to make sure Rachel stays snug & warm where she is at least until she's 37 weeks! That's 2 more weeks! Here's the update on how she's supposed to be developing so far! Of course she's already 5.78 lbs and completely head-down/partially engaged, but theoretically the other things are right. Oh, I can't remember if it mentions it or not, but at the ultrasound I had Monday we saw her practice breathing amniotic fluid. We could actually see her little chest rising & falling fairly regularly.

Taking it easy...

...Stinks! I'm really not set up mentally to be inactive apparently. I can stay home & take care of the house, the kid(s), and cook - no problem. However, as soon as I'm told *not* to do anything I find 100 things that need to be done - laundry, floors, toy pick-up, food to cook, dishes to put away & wash, etc. I don't really have the motivation to do things really, but I can't stand to be forced into that decision. Hmmm... is that obstinacy rearing its ugly head? Probably...

Butterball continues growing well!

Today we got to see Rachel again! She's doing great! She's still measuring at least a week to 2 weeks ahead by size. The weight estimate is now at 5.78 lbs! My fluid levels are also up which is a very good thing. The only negative is that I'm already dilated 1 cm and 50% effaced. I did the same thing w/ Simon w/ no real problems. I'm supposed to be easier on myself though to keep from progressing further than necessary. Overall, Dr. Briones is very pleased w/ our progress!

I got my blood tested today again as well. Everything is still doing pretty good, but my white count is probably as low as its ever been. I'm not on any restrictions that I know of, but I'm going to try to remember to step up the hand-washing & avoiding sick people.

Simon learned a new word today - comba (combine). So far his favorite words are tractor, lawn mowa (lawn mower), big (for semi trucks), and now comba. He can also count to 3 now on his own. I'm not sure if he understands completely, but he does a pretty good job. He counts stop-lights (at those intersections w/ 3 in a row). He can also say bee (any kind of bug), beeble (either people or bubbles depending on context), momma, daddy, nana (like the nah-nah song), nanny, apple, and some others. These are the words that he actually says - there are bunches others that he has said in the past for about a week, but he doesn't repeat them. Of all crazy things he doesn't say car or truck... Weird for a mechanic's son in my opinion. Oh well, he's learning! Its great to watch him continue growing so well!

100th Post!!

This is my 100th post since beginning this blog shortly after Simon was born. Things have changed so much since then. Its amazing to look back at my life then verses now.

Then: 1 newborn baby boy... Now: 20 month old little boy and expecting a newborn baby girl in 6 weeks!

Then: Full-time working at the lab... Now: Full-time stay-at-home while fighting cancer & hoping to deliver a healthy baby girl.

Then: Healthy me & family... Now: Cancer diagnosis for me with chemotherapy and surgery in the future.

Then: A horse in the backyard... Now: an empty pasture waiting to be filled.

However, the important things have stayed the same: family, friends, and faith! I think this situation has helped Andrew & I grow closer together. We are more focused on each other instead of what's outside of our lives. We have a healthy, active, and loving little boy who brightens our lives as well as those of our families. We have a healthy, active, and hopefully loving little girl on the way to add to the brightness of our lives. We have learned that our faith community not only knows who we are, but also has great concern for us and our problems. Even though this is not an easy situation (cancer while pregnant),

I think we're making the best of it and we're going to end up better for this experience. I know I have a greater appreciation for others help and support that I've never really realized before. Accepting help can actually make you stronger. That's something I never realized - I've always been quite independent and 'strong' on my own. However, in refusing help, I was actually weakening myself. It is only in becoming humble that we can achieve what God wants for us. He wants us to be servants, but He also wants us to accept and acknowledge help from others. There can be no servants if there are no people accept the service. So don't just serve others, allow others to serve you!

"So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 - How to get these? According to Blessed Theresa of Calcutta, "The fruit of Silence is Prayer. The fruit of Prayer is Faith. The fruit of Faith is Love. The fruit of Love is Service. The fruit of Service is Peace." Words to live by!

Crazy morning...

This morning the dog woke me up at 6 by hacking her lungs up. I have no idea what caused it, but it sure was annoying. She even woke Andrew, but thankfully not Simon. We booted her outside... What can I say - we aren't morning people! (She's fine by the way.) Well, then it started raining & spoiled little creature that Copper is, she started barking incessantly at the door wanting back inside. Andrew got up & let her in, but that was it - he couldn't go back to sleep. So he got dressed for work & since Simon wasn't awake yet & I suggested it, he left Simon with me.

Luckily Simon decided to sleep until 9 - yippee! However, when I pushed his door open I was met by the overwhelming smell of pee. I walked in & at first glance everything was fine. Then I touched a blanket, only to find that it was sopping wet. The same w/ his pillow, sheet, mattress cover, huggie blanket, and pajamas. I just washed all his sheets & stuff yesterday, so I wasn't really very thrilled. Guess how much more thrilled I was when I went to change his diaper only to find that it had basically exploded inside his pajamas. The gel-like goo that's inside the diapers to soak up the pee was all over him. Its in little tiny pebbles that are wet, but not completely. He had little pebbles of the gel from his chin all the way down into the feet. So had to stand him up & strip him. Of course, the gel got EVERYWHERE and he still smelled like pee.

First things first, I needed to clean him. So since I just wanted to do a quickie, I ran hot water in the kitchen sink, where I used to give him his baths. Apparently he's developed a phobia about taking a bath in the sink. He shrieked, bucked, stiffened, and was basically very uncooperative while I rinsed him off. He wouldn't sit in the sink, so I had him standing. He wouldn't let go of my neck, so I got soaked too. He kept trying to get out so I had to hold onto one leg to keep it in the sink. It was horrible! When I finally got him rinsed off & wrapped him in his towel he was fine. That is, until I headed to his bedroom. Then he started screaming again. I think he associates baths/getting clean w/ going to bed & he didn't want to go back to bed. Once I grabbed a diaper & left his room, he was fine again. Go figure... Of course, by this point I've broken all the rules Dr. Briones told me. I'm not supposed to pick him up - how else could I get him into & out of the sink... I'm not supposed to wrestle with him - how else was I supposed to get him cleaned off... I'm not supposed to stress out - what else could I do w/ a pee-covered, screaming little boy... In the end, he was clean & I was exhausted. Thank GOD for mom! I dressed him for her & brought him to her house. The up side of this whole adventure was that mom got to see him in his cute little pumpkin sweatshirt w/ matching socks again!

Oh yeah, 20 months ago today, Simon was just coming into this world! I have to say that the 30 minute clean up today was harder than my 13 hour labor! ;-)

Not much going on today...

Yippee its a slow day today! I don't really have any obligations or anything today. Mom & I are still heading into Owensboro to run some errands, but nothing pressing. I should really be using these down times to work on my Thank You notes, but I think I'm going to procrastinate another day.

I may get to go see my prospective horse again this week! I thought I was going to have to wait for another week. Yippee!! From the sound of her she'll be a perfect addition to our family. I'm going to have mom make sure for me though!

Rachel will be here (hopefully) in less than 45 days!!! Whoop whoop!!! I hope we're ready!

Wonderful community event

I am so blessed to be surrounded by the friends & family & community that I have. Yesterday there was an effort headed by my local parish St. Elizabeth in collaboration w/ a nearby parish of St. Alphonsus and Calhoun Baptist Church to raise some funds for mine & Rachel's continued health. There were 400 servings of chili available - all but one serving was eaten. There were children's games, face paintings, 'train' rides (a lawn mower pulling 'cars' made of 50 gallon plastic barrels), corn hole tournaments, silent auctions, raffles, baked good sales, and pumpkin (painted & plain) sales. The turn out was wonderful and I was so touched that when I tried to thank everyone for coming I choked up. I'm not typically an emotional person, at least not publically, so that was a big thing!

Today I helped mom deliver some of the silent auction items to the winning bidders as well as going to check on Rachel & my blood levels. Rachel is Ms. Consistency w/ a steady heart-rate of 145 bpm (like always). I'm also pulling consistent numbers on my blood tests - fairly low-normal ranges. Everything looks good for delivery the week of Thanksgiving (hopefully on Thanksgiving, but she'll come when she wants to come). Yippee!! I'm also needing to start my Thank you notes to all kinds of people! Hopefully I'll have that finished by the end of the week!

Lazy rainy day...

Today was a lazy rainy day. It was nice though b/c I got the surprise of Andrew coming home around lunch. I made a vegetable soup for lunch/supper so he'd have something warm to eat. Simon stayed w/ mom most of the day so I could keep resting. Mom was really busy making breads for the event this weekend. I actually brought her my breadmaker so she'd have twice as much dough ready to go! It was fun to see both machines in action. She just uses the machines to knead & do the 1st rise, then she bakes in her own pans in the oven. She's WAY more talented than I am. She's also finished the pumpkins. They're all uniquely painted w/ either faces or a design. I can't decide which is my favorite! I hope it clears up tomorrow and Sunday so everyone doesn't get waterlogged this weekend. I'm supposed to be helping Andrew install a program though, so I should get to it! Have a blast!

FAC is FINISHED!!!

I got unplugged this afternoon! What a wonderful feeling! I'm off chemo for 8 weeks (at least) and will only have my regular OB appointments and weekly blood tests for the oncologist. It will be a wonderful break especially after going to the doctor 8 times (4 days in a row) this week and other chemo weeks! I hope I get my energy back in time to bring Rachel into the world!

the Middle of the End...

I'm still plugging along w/ Agent Orange, but I get unplugged today. We haven't done a whole lot this week - I'm trying to save up my energy for this weekend's event.

Yesterday was a great day though. We went to a road-side farmer's market that had a straw bale maze for Simon, a pumpkin maze for him, a corn pit, and lots of pumpkins to examine! He had an absolute blast. Then we drove through Panther Creek Park. We had some leftover bread from our lunch, so we stopped and fed the ducks. Simon hasn't played w/ ducks that I know of since we went to Gatlinburg in June. He loved it! When we got home, he was even more thrilled b/c Andrew was mowing the yard. Simon got to sit on the front porch, play with his tractors, and watch Andrew mow. I think that rounded out his day quite well!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Since it is breast cancer awareness month I thought I'd say something about donating to the various causes. Since I am currently battling breast cancer as well as being pregnant (and very pro-life), I thought it would be good to share what I know. You can take or leave my advice as you wish, however, I encourage you to do your own research on any/all organizations that get your hard-earned money. I am in no way saying any of these organizations are bad in & of themselves or that those that donate to their worthy causes are committing a horrible error. I'm simply trying to help save the babies as well as the women carrying them.

Some of the breast cancer funds are kind of sneaky w/ what they do w/ their money. Some support organizations that provide abortions and do embryonic stem cell research with aborted baby cells as well as 'abandoned' IVF embryos. Even if the Breast cancer group isn't directly supporting abortions (although many would have encouraged me to have an abortion in my situation), indirect support means that more little babies suffer. For instance, the Susan B Komen group gives and gets funds from Planned Parenthood - the leading provider of abortions in our country (if not the world). While Susan B. Komen doesn't actually fund abortions, the fact that they give money to Planned Parenthood for Planned Parenthood's breast cancer screening programs, opens up the possibility (probability) that they provide more abortion services. To my understanding, many of the government funds that go to Planned Parenthood focused on breast cancer screening, can easily get diverted once it reaches PP. The same is true for money given by Susan B Komen and other 'good' organizations that want to help w/ women's health issues like breast cancer.

Here's the breakdown w/ fake numbers of what *can* happen. Government funding gives 1 million to breast cancer screening to PP. Susan B Komen gives 1 million to breast cancer screening to PP. PP budgets and needs to use 1 million for breast cancer screening. They're left w/ 1 million extra to do w/ what they want, b/c everyone knows no-one is going to give the money back to the government or Susan B Komen. Therefore, if their abortion services aren't getting as much money, they're going to funnel at least a portion of that money there. Some of the money may also go to cover administrative needs. In other words, unless you completely know where all the money is going when you give to an organization, in the health industry you cannot guarantee exactly where it is going in the organization or in their 'favorite' sister organizations.

The way I personally get around this is to do lots of research on my own & only donate to organizations that don't have any ties to pseudo 'good' organizations. Any breast cancer screening money I have to give is going to go directly to MD Anderson's research section. They do not use embryonic stem cells. They were among the first (if not the first) to acknowledge that abortion during pregnancy does NOT in any way increase survivability of the mother. They've been treating pregnant women w/ cancer for 20 years with absolutely wonderful success.

BTW I've included embryonic stem cell research b/c some of the ESCs come from IVF babies that are 'abandoned', but some also come from aborted baby tissue. There has been little if anything done by ESCs that adult stem cells cannot do as well. However, the government is really standing behind ESCs while somewhat neglecting adult stem cells. Most people don't realize that their baby's cord blood is very rich in embryonic-type stem cells. As an adult, you also have a plethora of adult stem cells that can be used just like ESCs. Plus they're already tailored for your body unlike ESCs. There is no problem with rejection and it can also encourage your body to produce more similar cells. If you're the inquiring type, you can easily go online to research what I'm saying. There are several Pro-Life organizations that have a list of organizations that fund (even indirectly) abortions through 'sister' organizations. You can also email or write & ask individual organizations their stance on both abortion and embryonic stem cell research.

First day of the last chemo

Today I went in for my last FAC chemo treatment. I have about 7 weeks until Rachel is due to recover. Then I get a week to 10 days after delivery before starting the Taxol chemo for 12 weeks. However, right now the best bet is to focus on the first day of the last round of FAC chemo! Dr. M is very pleased w/ my progress and reaction to the chemo so far. Dr. B is pleased w/ Rachel's progress as well. We didn't get a chance to hear Rachel today b/c we were running behind. However, I felt her moving the whole time I was getting plugged in, so I'm sure all is fine.

Simon is not handling something well, but we're not really sure what is bothering him. He woke up screaming around 230 am this morning. I went to check on him & ended up holding him in his glider for a while. I thought I'd held him long enough to get him back to sleep, but he seemed determined to stay awake. I caved & brought him into our bed. He laid down for a while, but was very restless. I took him back to his room into his bed & he started screaming again. I rocked him some more & put him back w/ the same result. I finally told him he was just going to have to cry. By that time it was 430 am. Andrew had been awake on & off throughout, but he finally got up for good and laid with Simon in the recliner. They 'slept' there till later in the morning. Hopefully he'll sleep better tonight b/c Andrew has to work, so he can't really be up all night/morning. Send us some sleepy time vibes for the little boy please!

Bleh day...

Today I got up & went to church, but felt awful. My stomach has been upset for the past few days. Mom thinks its nerves b/c of my last chemo. I think its the chemo building up in my system from all 3 of my prior treatments. Either way its pretty miserable.

On a good note, the boys went to Mass w/ me. We also had music again finally! Our music director's father is very ill and he's been travelling instead of playing for us. I hope his dad gets better, but selfishly I hope he plays for Mass more often!

Tomorrow is the beginning of my last round of this type of chemo! Yippee! Hopefully it won't wipe me out too badly, but at least I'll have about 7 weeks (hopefully) until Rachel arrives. She's been very active lately - like usual. It kind of stinks tho when she's active & my stomach is upset... She's not real kind to my intestines! Oh well, the joys of pregnancy!

Late morning

The boys & I slept very late this morning. We had a leisurely breakfast then we drove to Nortonville to see a horse. We ended up putting $100 down on one named Phoebe. She's a 7 year old Haflinger that's trained to drive. I'm really excited b/c she seems like exactly what we need! She was stoic about everything I did to her. I the next couple weeks I'm going to drag mom down there to go drive the horse w/ my harness just to be sure. Its been over a month since I've touched a horse, so I was just basically excited to be around one again! I definitely don't want to spend the $$ on a horse that's not going to fit in. Andrew even seemed to approve.

Where did the day go?

Today we planned on painting pumpkins, but instead ended up running to Owensboro to pick up supplies. Somehow it ended up taking all day! I didn't even go into a store & I'm exhausted. These chemos are really building up on me. I hope that by the time it comes to bring Rachel into the world I'll have at least a little bit more energy! Simon has enough energy for me and him plus about 10 other people! He's so cute though! It makes it all worthwhile!

My little Butterball

Yesterday we had our last pre-chemo ultrasound. Rachel measured in at 4.48 lbs, that's almost a pound bigger than the average for a 32 week baby! She's doing great! She let us see again w/o a doubt that she's a girl! This was probably her most blatant show-off of her girliness through all the ultrasounds we've done! So she's growing quite well. I'm doing ok too, but I've been ordered to drink more b/c my amniotic fluid is just a bit low. So even though I feel like I'm floating away 90% of the time already, I'm going to need to drink more! Of course, that also means I'll be visiting the girl's room even more... Sometimes I think I should just stay in there for all the time I spend! :-)

I've decided that if I don't do the turkey on my belly for Halloween, maybe I should do a Butterball logo instead! She's so big & so healthy I'm continually surprised & blessed! Tonight she gets to sample the food at the Right to Life of Owensboro's annual banquet. I'm sure she'll be kicking up a storm! Simon gets to partake as well. This will be his second all before he actually turns 2! What a way to start a pro-life journey! Hope to see some of you guys there!