Monday, March 1, 2010
A Foob-new me... :-(
I never thought having a foob job would make me emotional. Right now, its more like I'm having hormonal flashes, mood swings, & hot flashes as if I'd had a hysterectomy/oophorectomy. I can't seem to find anything that doesn't make me want to cry. :-( I am SO not like this usually. I'm having a hard time w/ being helpless. The helplessness of chemo was NOTHING compare to this. Here are some concrete examples...
I'm supposed to drink lots to flush all the drugs out of my system, right? Well, think about where you keep your drinking glasses (and plates & such). Your answer is probably similar to mine - in the shelves *above* your counters. Part of my plastic surgeon's orders were to not reach above my head. So in order for me to do something as simple & required as drinking lots of fluids - I have to have someone else do it. The same for plates & such.
Think about how you work with your children. For instance, Simon just learned to climb out of his bed when he doesn't want to lay down (typical little boy). So most parents I know would just pick up their child & put them back in bed. Well, since Simon is *well* over the weight of a 2-liter bottle, I'm definitely not allowed to pick him up. I can't even pull on him when he refuses to go/do what I ask. If he isn't feeling cooperative I can't even change his diaper b/c I can't lift his legs & butt. Even as small as Rachel is I can't pick her up, change her position if someone has put her on me, or even hold her butt up to change a diaper. It also seems like our kiddos have become so used to other people's houses that they don't want to sleep here. Neither one has slept through the night since we've gotten home. Both were sleeping through the night fine b/4 we left & while we were gone. I can't help w/ that either. :-(
Now think about how you cuddle with your children. You snug them up against your chest kind of on your shoulder and tucked under your chin (at least that's my babies' favorite position). Well, b/c I can only slightly feel pressure on my chest and I'm worried about putting too much pressure on my nipples, I can't hold either of them against my chest. So earlier today both kids were crying and Brenda (who was helping out today) had one, but I could do nothing for the other. Of course, when someone else is in the room both of them tend to gravitate toward the other person rather than me anyway.
Now think about other more basic needs... like scratching your back. I have one of those extend-able back scratchers that a FORCE member (Thanks Barbara) gave me. So last night I had an itch. I pulled out my scratcher & then had sharp shooting pains in my right arm-pit from using it. I can't pick up my lap-top to move it, so I had to have Andrew set it up on the kitchen table. To be completely honest, it hurts to put clothes on - even my pants or socks. To go TMI on you - it even hurts to wipe after I pee b/c of the twisting motion involved.
Now, I'm not saying this to whine, I'm just trying to explain *why* I'm so bummed out and feeling helpless. I know it will all get better. I know that my kids love me. I know that Andrew doesn't mind having to help me. I know my mom doesn't mind helping either. His mom doesn't mind either. Its not that. Its that I just *HATE* not being able to do for myself. My mind knows on the one hand that I'm not supposed to do, but my mind thinks/remembers that my body can do it. However, my body very quickly reminds my mind that I'm not supposed to do things. So the short-story is that I'm having a pity party. Please *don't* join me... Its bad enough for me to be miserable. I hope everyone else is doing ok.