Saturday, March 27, 2010
HATE my 'new' body
I guess I should say part of what started this was that even my 2 year old son, when he accidentally saw my new breasts said 'balloons' and kept staring with a quizzical expression on his face. I'm 5 weeks post BM w/ expanders filled to 700cc's. I look so artificial its horrible. I hurt too. I just want to cry. I HATE the way I look right now. I've never really been in love w/ my body, but at least I knew it was mine & God gave it to me. I had a decent body prior to this (well, b/4 this last pregnancy since I was dx during pregnancy). I was 5'6" about 140 lbs, 34DDD/36DD chest, 28-29 waist, and 38 hips. I didn't have quite the perkiest boobs b/c I had a lot of under-arm breast & nursed for a full year in 2008, but they were decent looking. I had a flat stomach (that's why I wasn't eligible for TRAM like I wanted). Heck, I was 20 wks pregnant & didn't look pregnant at all...
I've never had a whole lot of self-confidence, but these expanders are ruining what little I have... I know they're only temporary, but I just can't imagine the implants looking that much better. My body is shaped to have under-arm boobs (my ribs are *very* narrow and kind of cave in at my chest). I'm asking the PS to see if he can't put the implants a bit closer to my breast-bone, but since I kept my nipples, I'm not sure he'll be able to do that w/o a lot of implant being under my arm.
I don't typically swim much (there are some years I don't put on a bathing suit at all), but I'm planning a trip to see my grandfather on St. George Island, FL this fall (after I get my implants). With the scars under my arms, the *huge* indentation on the left side right where my arm-pit meets the breast (where my tumor was), and foobs, I just don't know that I'll be able to over-come my self-consciousness. What kind of bathing suit covers those scar areas, covers the indentation, disguises the foobs & still looks like I'm a normal human?
Actually, I've never really been self-conscious about my breasts b/4. I've always wanted to hide my legs, so I'm more likely to wear a bathing suit top w/ capris or something... Now I'm paranoid about both. :-( In the hot-humid KY summers I generally wear tank tops all the time - even to work (they're just the dressier type). With my new build I don't think I'll be able to do so. At least now at my job there are some other women instead of just guys... Although I don't know if that's truly better or not.
I know I should realize that this is just temporary. The implants will look better than these expanders. However, there's nothing that can be done for the scars and indentation (there's a moderate one on the right too). Plus I'm afraid that since implants can't fill up all the areas where breast tissue used to be (like below your collar-bone & beside your breast-bone), I'm just going to look weird. Until this last fill I guess it wasn't as obvious to me how foreign I look. I was focusing more on the feel. I guess I'm kind of getting used to the feel, but now the look is bugging me.
I also know that I should just be happy to be alive and cancer-free. I am - trust me. I count my blessings every day - starting w/ my little miracle baby, Rachel. My husband is wonderful (even when he's not behaving that way ;-) and a beautiful 2 year old. I have a wonderful family and an extensive (more-so than I ever realized) network of friends. I am truly blessed. Its just that sometimes I feel blessed & cursed at the same time. Sometimes the bad overshadows the good in my mind. This is one of those times.